


Universal Constant

by whistlesupremacist



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But whatever, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, honestly idk what to tag, just read it, more like best friends to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 48,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27615319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whistlesupremacist/pseuds/whistlesupremacist
Summary: where Lisa has been unconsciously using Jisoo as the point of comparison to gauge all the girls she's ever been withorLisa is in love with her best friend, but she doesn’t know it yet
Relationships: Kim Jisoo/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa, Lisa/Jisoo, Lisoo - Relationship
Comments: 14
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to crosspost this from AFF after I completed it, but I only found the energy to do it now. For those who haven't read this story yet, enjoy!
> 
> Unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine.

The familiar aftermath of a drunken stupor chases away my chance of going back to sleep the moment my consciousness seeps in.

“Fuck,” I groan.

My throat and tongue feel so dry in my mouth as though I’ve swallowed a fistful of sand and another, my head pounds like it’s being axed over and over with a blunt axe desperately trying to get to the center of my brain, and my body feels peculiarly heavy, too heavy to even move.

In short, I feel like shit.

With a frustrated grunt that barely passes my lips, I wait for my sight to adjust to the unforgiving bright morning light, but I’m left even more confused when my view finally comes into focus.

I have no recollection of passing out on the couch in the living area, but here I am, with a woman deep asleep on top of me who, I just realize, is the very reason why I can’t move. I guess that’s one thing I cross out from the list of what my hangover did cause.

All her deadweight pinning me down and her limbs entangled with mine, that it’s hard to distinguish where I end and she begins, make it impossible for me to even wiggle away, leaving me no other choice but to wake her up.

“Hey, Jisoo?” I try again and again, my hoarse voice reaching the peak of its volume, but she just won’t budge. Desperate, I manage to free an arm and I gently shake her shoulder, once, twice, until I wasn’t being so gentle anymore, and that finally makes her stir a little.

“Jisoo, can you move? I really need to—”

“Shut up,” Jisoo grumbles just clear enough for me to understand, slapping my hand away.

“Drink. I was gonna say I need to drink... I mean there are many ways to shut me up but letting me die from dehydration is a little mean, I think.” I retort, but soon realize my efforts are futile when it’s her soft snores that answer me. “Well, I guess not.”

I chuckle feebly as my still stinging hand reaches out to tuck the strands of hair sprawled all over her face and just like always, I catch myself staring at her beauty with nothing but absolute awe.

How anyone can look this good while sleeping is beyond me. Waking up next to Jisoo happens often, but it still amazes me how she looks like an angel when she sleeps; so beautiful, so serene, so dazzling to the eyes, even more luminous than the morning sun, but never blinding.

But as much as she's pretty to look at, I really _badly need_ a glass of water.

“Okay, let me just…” I slide my arm trapped under her to her hip, trying to be as careful as I can to move her without pushing her off this stupidly small, stuffy couch, but Jisoo stirs again and mumbles unintelligibly, nuzzling further in the crook of my neck.

“ _Fine_ , I'll stay.” I take a deep breath to release a resigned sigh, but the faint scent of bacon wafts through my nose, then shoots straight to my stomach, causing the famished monster in there to growl loud enough to wake up the entire neighborhood.

_That's_ what finally jolts Jisoo awake. She prods herself up on her elbows and I try hard not to laugh at how disoriented she looks.

“Lisa?”

“Hi, I'm down here.”

Jisoo looks down, squinting. “What the fuck was that? Thunder?”

“Sort of,” I smile, wiping away the sleep around her eyes. She furrows her brows when she sees the pristine weather condition outside. “Not out there. It’s from my belly and I’m thankful it woke you up.”

“That's how you wake me up? You can’t do it like how normal people do?” The adorable bags under her eyes become more prominent when she chuckles groggily.

“Perhaps if you sleep like a normal person and not like a fucking log,” I bite back. “Also, fyi, I tried, but you slapped my hand away and gave me mad attitude again. Not cute!”

“Oh.” Jisoo's face falls at that, pursing her lips, and buries her face on my shoulder. “I'm sorry.” 

“What?” The guilt in her voice surprises me as much as it confuses me. I was expecting a snarky comeback, _not_ an apology. Jisoo should know I wasn’t being serious like, we bicker _all_ the time. "You know I'm just messing with you, right?"

Jisoo slightly tilts her head just so she can look me in the eye, her face just inches away from mine. I huff a soft chuckle at the pout on her lips, resting my hand on the small of her back.

“I mean not everyone can say a pretty girl was sleeping on top of them when they woke up this morning. Who am I to complain?”

"Shut up," Jisoo says, but she laughs and visibly relaxes as the tension leaves her body. "I just thought—"

“Oh, _please_! Get a room!”

Jisoo and I roll our eyes and grunt at the same time, turning our heads towards the archway where a tall blonde girl is now standing, eyeing our very compromising position with a disgusted frown on her lips.

“On the couch? _Really?_ ”

“Roseanne, stop,” Jisoo warns sternly.

But, Rosie just smirks, unbothered. “I’m not saying you two are—”

Jisoo moves so quickly that I could've sworn that the empty can of beer now in her hand has just magically materialized out of thin air.

“— fucking, but that’s exactly what I’m saying!” Rosie gabbles the rest of her sentence and zooms out of sight, the empty can Jisoo throws just _barely_ missing her.

Rosie's loud cackle echoes in the apartment, “Get your asses in the kitchen when you’re done being girlfriends! Brunch is ready!”

“That dumb bitch.” Jisoo stands with a scowl on her face.

“Whoa, okay, hold up.” I ignore how the room spins when I sit up quickly, pulling Jisoo back down beside me. She looks genuinely pissed and for what reason? How she’s been behaving is seriously throwing me off. “What's up with you? You're acting all weird. Is the thought of being my girlfriend really _that_ bad?”

“Bold of you to think I would even think about that,” Jisoo deadpans.

“Okay, damn. I get it, you're straight. No need to hurt my feelings.” I start to laugh, but it halts awkwardly when Jisoo doesn’t join me and stays all riled up.

Okay, hear me out.

Having been her best friend since high school, Jisoo being straight as an arrow is something I’m already fully aware of. I’d be lying though if I say I didn’t have any amount of attraction towards her the first time I met her, but that shallow feeling waned the closer we got. Seven years have passed since and now that we’re in our last year of college, our friendship is only stronger if anything.

So strong that we’ve got no problem being affectionate towards each other to the point where we get mistaken as girlfriends a lot _._ Like, a _lot_.

And, that’s something we have already grown so used to... So much so that we can just lightheartedly bicker and get a good laugh out of it. But that’s clearly not how she’s acting right now.

It’s typical of Rosie to tease us and we’re both already so used to it in the past three years we’ve all lived under the same roof, so Jisoo being all pissed at her just because of her stupid one-liner is so weird and confusing the shit out of me.

“Is there a problem? Do _we_ have a problem?” I ask warily.

“No, not us.” Jisoo meets my eyes with a glint of worry in hers and I feel a pang in my chest. That one look is all I need to understand what’s going on. She’s worried about me.

“I just think it's insensitive of her to joke about that right now. You literally just broke up with Joy.”

My chest tightens, even more, when I hear her say it. I guess that also explains the apology and why she was being cautious about my feelings earlier, but the thing is since I woke up, I haven’t thought about what happened last night. Well, not until now.

I was doing so well keeping my mind off of how I left our apartment still being in an eight-month-long relationship and came back being out of it, but I guess I just can’t run forever.

“Here, drink this.” Jisoo hands me an aspirin and a glass of water. My eyebrows furrow in confusion, because where the hell did she get these? As if reading my mind, she says, “I left them here for when you wake up.”

“Oh, thank God, you’re an actual angel.”

“How are you feeling, Lisa?” Jisoo asks, and I know she’s not asking about my terrible hangover.

“I don’t know,” I sigh heavily, putting the now empty glass of water back on the table. “I really don’t know.”

See, it’s funny how I went to surprise my now ex-girlfriend but was the one surprised instead when I caught her cheating on me with someone who was supposed to be her “project partner”. I believed that, until I saw that the project they were busy doing was each other.

I couldn’t even be bothered to listen to her explain herself because whatever she spewed, I would have called bullshit, so I broke it off right there and then. She ran after me in the hallways, no, not to apologize but just so she could go off about how it’s my fault and I have no one to blame but myself.

I wanted to burst because how the fuck is it _my_ fault that a man’s tongue was down her throat, but I just scoffed and walked away before she could say more.

How I held myself together on the way back is beyond me, but the facade of a tough front collapsed as soon as I retreated into the comforts of my home where my friends were both at a loss when I suddenly walked into their movie night and burst out into ugly tears.

I told them nothing more than we broke up and they respected that. They didn’t push for more details instead, they stayed silent by my side while I wept and downed my poison heedlessly. And, that’s as far as I can remember.

How I ended up on the couch with Jisoo is something I can’t recall. I must’ve squeezed myself beside her and somewhere, somehow in the midst of a movie I can’t remember now, I fell asleep and she must’ve too.

I meet Jisoo’s worried gaze, smiling reassuringly. “Don’t look at me like that. I’ll be fine. I don't deserve someone who cheats on me anyway.”

“She _what?_ Like you _caught_ her in the act?” Jisoo exclaims and her eyes widen with anger when I nod. “Oh god help me... if I see her on campus...”

“Oh?” I snort. How bold of her to insinuate what she’s insinuating when she’s a dwarf compared to Joy. “What are you gonna do? Fight her knees?”

That earns me a solid punch I'm not guarded for. “Don't test me.”

“Geez, calm down.” I say as I tend to my soon-to-be bruised arm. I know she can fight. I’ve known that since high school, actually, when she came to my rescue and got into a fight with this stupid girl who called me the ‘d slur’ and pushed me in the hallways.

“Joy knows how to fight too, you know. You two have a lot in common, actually.” She throws me a side-eye and my lips curve into a silly grin. “No wonder she’s also into dicks just like you are.”

Jisoo looks so affronted that I can’t stop myself from laughing. Aware of it now, I stop her fist before it connects. “You _dare_ compare me with that bitch? You’re so annoying!”

“You love me anyway.” 

Still holding her wrist, I pull and lock her in an embrace, her back against my chest. She’s so warm and I’ve always found her warmth so comforting. And, comfort is what I need right now.

I sigh heavily, digging my chin gently on her shoulder and Jisoo stops struggling, knowing how much I need this without me telling her.

“Do you want me to stay with you today?” Jisoo asks after a little while.

“Hm?” I scrunch my nose in thought. “But, don’t you have plans?”

“Well, yeah, but I can cancel—”

“Cancel your plans with Suho? Oh no, you can't,” I cut her off abruptly, thinking of how long Jisoo hasn’t had any quality time with her boyfriend, because of their busy schedules. She’s been waiting excitedly for this day and I’m not going to ruin that just because some bitch broke my heart. “That’s _not_ what you’re gonna do.”

“But—”

“Nah, no buts, lady.” I release her from my embrace and distance myself to safety before I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively. “Go get your pussy dicked down like you deserve!”

I swiftly avoid the can she throws at me and run out to the kitchen and I hear her shout, “Whether my pussy gets dicked down or not is _none_ of your business!”

Rosie wheezes with me. “Whatever you say, horndog!” I shout back.

“Well, this _horndog_ is gonna get more sleep,” Jisoo yawns as she climbs the stairs, looking back at us. “Leave some food for me.”

Jisoo enters her room before I can even get another word out.

“It’s literally noon,” I mutter. “What does she need more sleep f—”

Roseanne cuts me off by shoving a bacon strip in my mouth. I raise my brows questioningly and she scoffs, shaking her head.

“You don’t even remember, huh? You were a fucking mess, created a fucking mess. Bitch, you were so drunk. Who do you think took care of you ‘til the crack of dawn?”

“ _Oh_.” Looking at the change of clothes I just noticed I’m wearing, I ask, “She did?”

“Uh-huh.” Rosie nods and my heart swells. “You didn’t wanna go back to your room and you wanted her to stay with you. That’s why you two were on the couch, by the way.”

A smile spreads across my face, stamping a mental note to thank Jisoo later.

“Are you sure you two aren’t together? I mean that’s the kind of stuff I’d only do for my girl—”

This time I shove a piece of bacon in her mouth. “Don’t start. That’s what _good_ friends do. Heck, I’ll even do it for you and that says a lot about _me._ ”

Rosie makes a face. “Yeah, that you’re too kind for your own good and it’s gonna bite you in the ass one day.”

“Good thing I don’t have an ass,” I deadpan.

And, that finally makes my housemate drop the subject as she bursts into laughter, “Right, _that_ you don't.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the writing gets better as you go on, i think!


	2. Chapter 2

People watching has always been entertaining for me, but today, it’s even more interesting. Walking down the hallway, I see a girl, sitting by the corner, in a staring contest with her laptop screen as if that would hasten the rendering of her video. Beside her is a group of students arguing and talking over each other while the professor they cornered narrowly slips away without their knowledge. I laugh to myself, wondering how long it’ll take for them to notice.

I continue to look around, observing the people I walk past. The school hallway is quite different today in the sense that it's kind of divided into two— heaven and hell. Each person either is in complete chaos or at absolute peace. No purgatory, no in-between. It is the last week of the school year so everyone either has something to be worried about or none at all.

As for myself, I can proudly say that I belong to the latter because I’ve finally taken care of all the requirements I need to graduate. The past few months have been the most hectic and stressful part of my college life and I’m just glad it’s over. I had a lot of things on my plate that I had no time for anything else. I haven’t even been on a single date since Joy and I broke up and that was 4 months ago.

_Four months… I've been dry for four fucking months. I can't-_

_“_ Believe!” I gasp out the last of my thoughts as the door in front of me suddenly flies open. My hand reflexively shoots up, stopping it just inches away from hitting my face. “Be careful, damn it!”

The culprit steps out from behind the door and whatever it is she was about to say dies in her throat. She just stands there gaping like a fish when she sees me.

“Joy,” I blurt out in shock of seeing the subject of my thoughts materialize before me. “What are you doing here?”

Not that I care, I just didn’t expect to run into her here. Although we’re in the same university, we belong in different departments. Her building is literally on the other side of the campus, so the chances were next to none.

“Just had something to, uh, take care of,” Joy stammers, waving her portfolio. She clears her throat. “Um… I'm sorry, are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I nod as my palm loses its prickling numbness from the impact. “I'm fine. You barely did any damage.” 

Joy flinches a little and I swallow down the laugh that threatens to escape at how obviously more uncomfortable she becomes. I wasn’t implying anything, I swear, but I guess the shoe fits.

This is the first time we talked since we broke up and I really couldn’t care less about her at all now, but it’s fun seeing her clown herself like this. So, have I moved on? Yes, definitely and quickly. They say it’s odd how I get over my breakups so fast, but it’s just the way I am. I cry my heart’s out, then move on with my life.

“ _Right_ ,” I break the awkward silence. “I’ll go ahead. Just be careful next time.”

“Wait.” Joy grabs my elbow as I’m about to pass her, her eyes glued on the floor, biting her lip like how she does when she’s nervous. “Can we talk?”

I arch a curious brow. “About?”

“Us.” Joy musters the courage to look me straight in the eyes. “A-about what happened to us.”

“There’s nothing left to talk about, Joy.” I know that comes out a little too indifferent, but it's just that talking about us will not, in _any_ way, benefit me and there’s genuinely not one single cell in my body that cares. “I have somewhere to be so if you could let go of my arm, I’d appre—”

“I’ll be quick _._ ” Her grip tightening suggests how strongly _she_ needs this... and not me. I could hear it in her voice when she pleads, “Please, Lisa.”

I close my eyes briefly, taking in a deep breath. Rosie always reminds me how I’m only a step away from being too kind to being a complete pushover; that one day, I need to take a step back, but I guess today’s not that day.

I sigh. “Yeah, okay.”

//

My head dangles at the foot of my bed, looking at my TV upside down and smashing random buttons on my controller. This is how I chose to spend my Saturday night, well, given my limited options.

I don’t have a girl to date and the two people who I genuinely like spending time with both have plans with their partners tonight. Roseanne asked me if I wanted to join her and Nayeon, but I wasn’t down at the thought of being the third wheel, so I declined.

So, yes, here I am with my PS4 & sixth can of beer as company, left with the thoughts of my talk with Joy yesterday.

It went as I expected it would. I didn’t get to say much and just listened to what she had to get off of her chest. She apologized for what she did and what she said that night, but it’s the last part of our conversation that’s been living rent-free in my mind.

_“I feel as though even if you’ve given me everything you had, there was this hollow feeling inside me that you couldn’t tend to. He filled that hole, Lisa. But I know that doesn’t excuse-”_

_“Wait, let me just— my ‘everything’ was not enough for you? Is that what you're trying to say?” I’m more amused than offended, actually._

_“If you put it that way...”_ _Joy looks at me so ruefully that it makes me believe that she’s genuinely sorry for what she did. "I'm so sorry. God, you deserve so, so much better."_

_There’s no sense in holding a grudge over the past, so I decide to forgive her and while it’s true when I said I couldn’t care less about her anymore, I’d be lying if I say it doesn’t bring me some kind of peace._

_“Well, you better be,” I joke lightheartedly and she lets out a brief chuckle. “Though, I wish you could’ve just told me that instead of me finding it out the way I did cos—”_

_“Cos you would have understood, right?” Joy finishes for me and I nod. “See, I knew that… and my conscience gnawed on me every day knowing that you would. You’ve always been so nice so I didn’t want to hurt you, but I guess I ended up hurting you even—”_

_My phone ringing interrupts her and my eyes widen when I see who's calling and what time it is already. “Shit, is that the fucking time?”_

_I scramble to answer the call, but before I can even get a word out, Jisoo threatens, “You better have a good excuse for making me wait or else—”_

_“I’m so sorry,” I cut her off. I know how much Jisoo_ hates _waiting. Abhors it, even. “I’m on my way. If I don’t make it in 15 minutes, I’ll let Dalgom chew my eyes out.”_

_“Oh? I was gonna say you'll have to buy me dinner, but that’s even better.” Her tone has lost its fangs and I heave a sigh of relief. “I’ll make sure that happens if you’re not here in 15. See ya.”_

_I quickly gather my stuff as soon as she drops the call that I almost forgot I was with someone. I flash Joy an apologetic smile, "Sorry, I have to go."_

_“No, I'm sorry for holding you up,” Joy apologizes, handing me the jacket I drop in my hurry. “That was Jisoo, right? Are you two… dating now?”_

_Despite being in a rush, I_ have _to halt all actions just to roll my eyes at her exasperatedly. “C’mon! Not you too!”_

_“You know the only reason I stopped being jealous of her when we were dating was that you proved that I could trust you, but you two have so much chemistry. Maybe even more than we had and I was your girlfriend… like? Have you never thought of dating her? Ever?”_

_“Oh my god,” I chuckle, shaking my head. “Look, I really need to go. We’re just friends and that’s on that. Drop it, yeah?”_

_But, Joy just shrugs. I can’t believe her. It’s just been a minute since we got on good terms and she’s being annoying already. I start towards the door not bothering to give her a response again._

_Joy speaks behind me, loud enough for me to hear, “Just try and think if you ever want to kiss her, Lisa.”_

I snort a laugh, thinking about how ridiculous that was. When I told Jisoo about it yesterday, we just laughed it off, because again, it _is_ ridiculous. I just don’t see Jisoo that way, even when I had that tiny crush on her eight years ago, that never came to mind.

“Watch out for his combo! Oof!” The huge K.O appears on the screen before I can even press the left button to block. Jisoo cracks up from where I can't see her, “God, can you _not_ suck so much in video games?” 

“Can you not knock?” I mock because apparently, she’s entered my room without my knowing.

“Maybe if you don’t keep your door wide open all the damn time.”

“Oh, fuck off. Just get—” The rest of the sentence gets stuck in my throat when I turn over to look at her. I can’t stop the stupid grin that curls on my lips. “—it. Woman, you can _get it_. Phew!”

“Oh?” Jisoo arches a brow, smirking coyly. “Like what you see?”

She knows she’s pretty and confidence looks so good on her, so I play along, “I think I might need to take a closer look.”

Maybe I should've thought it through first before standing abruptly because it seems that the alcohol has gone to my head and the whole room spins intensely before me. Jisoo quickly grips both my arms to help me steady myself when I trip on my foot.

“You’re drunk.” Jisoo frowns, unamused.

“Just a _tiny_ bit.” I grin impishly, but my brows furrow when I notice her eye level’s the same as mine. “Wait, whoa, since when have you been this tall?”

“I'm wearing heels, dumbass.”

“Oh,” I giggle as my gaze drops to her feet. A pair of killer red stilettos. Nice. “ _Oh,_ that’s sexy.”

“Alright, that’s enough,” Jisoo chuckles, shaking her head. “Go sober up, drunky.”

“Wait, I still need to check you out. I can’t have my best friend looking like shit on her date.”

I don't want to pass up on an opportunity to make a sly comment about her looks, but my breath hitches on my throat instead when I do _look_ at her, because God, I didn't think Jisoo would be this breathtakingly stunning tonight.

Jisoo hardly ever works out, but you'd find that hard to believe when you see how toned her tiny body is. I knew she is sexy under all those oversized clothes and baggy track pants she almost always wears but knowing it isn't the same as seeing it.

I’ve only rarely seen Jisoo in a dress but this one’s the best one she’s ever worn yet. It hugs all of her most-of-the-time hidden curves, revealing how perfect her body truly is. But, her face— dude, her _face_ — is entirely something else and her black wavy hair cascading flawlessly down her shoulders only accentuates her goddess-like beauty.

“Woman, you’re stunning,” I breathe out.

“Like so stunning, drop-dead gorgeous that you want to kiss me?” 

Jisoo smirks. And then, my eyes zero in onher heart-shaped lips, my absolute favorite feature of her face if I'm to pick one. They just have always been so mesmerizing to me. I sometimes catch myself staring at them when she talks, but when she’s quiet like this and her lips are still is when I find them the most beautiful. Painted with a deep shade of red, they look even more alluring and… inviting.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I obliviously lick my lips, hypnotized by the perfect set of hers, wondering if they taste as sweet as they look.

“Yeah, I do. I want to.” 

_Wait, what?_ I snap out of my trance as soon as I hear myself, blinking in quick succession, because what the fuck? What the _actual_ fuck? That kiss thing has been an ongoing joke between us since yesterday, but my voice just now has forfeited its playful tone.

Jisoo looks just as taken aback as I am. I guess she noticed the difference too. Her eyes bore into mine with no disgust or apprehension, just clouded with questions I don’t know the answer to. I’m just as confused as she is. 

I’m drunk and lost and my head throbs. That is and will never be a good combination, but I know I truly meant what I said.

I want to. I really want to. I still want to. But, there’s no way I’m telling her that.

“Sike!” I gain enough of my wit back to fake a laugh, doubling over and pointing at her. “You should see the look on your face! Did you think I was serious?”

Jisoo’s eyes widen, smacking the fuck out of me. “You _looked_ like it!”

“Oh? Maybe I should try being an actress then,” I singsong, jumping back on my bed and unpausing my game. I’m keeping myself at a safe distance because being close to her right now is not what I need. “Isn’t your boyfriend waiting for you downstairs? You better go before he ditches you, dummy.”

“Shit, right! I was just supposed to say bye.” Jisoo throws me a flying kiss and rushes to the door. She almost bumps into Rosie as she steps out. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you’re here.”

“Yeah, I just got home. I was actually looking for you to tell you Suho said you guys should get going.”

Jisoo hurries down the stairs at that and I listen as her footsteps weaken to a faint sound, burying my face in my palms, breathing out the air I didn’t know I was holding in.

I still have _no_ idea what the fuck just happened.

“Lisa? Can I come in?”

“Rosie. Not now, please.” I still hear her come in, though. “I said not—”

“Were you really just joking around?” Rosie interjects and I feel her sit beside me. She’s smiling apologetically when I tilt my head to look at her. “I heard. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”

“Ah, fuck it.” The internal debate I’m having whether to tell Rosie or not doesn’t last long because, in the state that I’m in right now, I just know I can’t figure shit out by myself. I need someone to help me gather my thoughts.

“I don't even know what happened, Rosie. She’s my best friend for fuck’s sake. I shouldn’t have those thoughts in the first place. Joy got in my head. I just need to get myself a date. I’m horny and drunk and affection deprived.”

Rosie just hums, her gaze far off like she’s deep and lost in her thoughts. “Do you want me to be the friend who says what they think or the one who just agrees with you? I can be either.” 

I swallow the clot building in my throat. “Tell me what you think.”

“You know it perplexes me how your relationships never work out and how fast it is for you to move on. I mean Joy, Sana, and Irene—” she trails off for a moment. “God, that woman looks so much like Jisoo, it's almost creepy.”

“Okay, you lost me.” The space between my brows creases in confusion. “What point are you trying to make here?”

“I’m just thinking out loud but don’t you see a pattern here? You always go for older women. Also, I noticed how you tend to compare them to Jisoo one way or another.”

“Yeah, and?” I spout, sitting right up. “I just admire Jisoo as a person. Maybe I do compare them sometimes but there’s no deeper meaning to that. They just have similarities and I notice that, and that’s all that is.”

“Okay, let’s say that’s true.”

I sense that there’s a ‘but’ coming.

“But…” And, there it is. “Do you really believe it’s not weird to compare your girlfriends with someone who’s supposed to be _just_ your best friend?”

I open my mouth and purse them shut when I can’t think of what to say because if you think about it, it's kind of weird.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe, _just maybe_ , these similarities you deem not important are actually the reasons why you liked them in the first place? Don’t you think you were… projecting?”

_Projecting._

Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's not, but my mind suddenly becomes as clear as water and it strikes me. And, it strikes real hard.

_I was._

During my first date with Joy, I remember noticing how she laughs with a slight overbite like Jisoo. I remember thinking Sana has a positive mindset when she stays optimistic through everything and it’s easy to spot when she’s anxious because she bites her nails just like Jisoo. Irene looks like a spitting image of Jisoo, but she has a dull sense of humor... nothing like Jisoo.

And I just realize now that the characteristics they don’t have in common with my best friend were mostly the ones I didn’t like about them. I’ve been unconsciously making Jisoo the point of comparison even at the littlest of quirks they weren’t anything alike at all and I would’ve never realized it if Roseanne hasn’t pointed it out.

If my relationships are composed of formulas, Jisoo has always been the universal constant.

“What the fuck.” I try to shake my thoughts away, pulling my hair in distress.

“Yeah, what the fuck,” Rosie agrees, squeezing my shoulder reassuringly. “You know fuck Joy and her mother, I hate that stupid bitch, but she had a point. Your ‘everything’ wasn’t enough, because you didn’t, _couldn’t_ love her enough.”

And, hearing Rosie say that is all it takes for an overwhelming epiphany to scourge my mind.

The attraction I had for Jisoo never went away, instead I buried it deep inside where it grew beyond my sight. 

I forced myself to feel only platonic love for her, only so I can protect my heart from the pain if I allowed anything more, but no one could have ever warned me that it was a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow up on my face. And now, I’m feeling everything all at once.

Now, I understand why it’s so easy for me to move on and why my relationships never worked out. It’s like the dots just keep on connecting in my head and I hate how it all makes sense.

“Jesus, Rosie, I think I'm in love with her.”

“I kind of guessed that,” she says. She’s been with us for four years. A set of fresh, perceptive eyes watching us and she saw what I failed to see.

I release a shaky breath. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“It isn’t my place to do so,” Rosie answers, smiling sadly. “Plus, it was just a mere speculation.”

“And Jisoo?” I ask, my voice almost pleading.

Rosie releases a long sigh as she avoids my gaze. I know then that whatever she’s going to say, it’s not what I want to hear, but it is what’s in my mind as well. My shoulders sag as if the whole world just fell on me.

“You of all people should know the most how she’s so certain about her sexuality. She’s been with and in love with Suho for 3 years… I don’t think…”

Rosie trails off, but she didn’t need to finish her sentence for me to understand. She lays her head on my shoulder. A comforting gesture that helps little to nothing to the gnawing pain and longing radiating throughout my body.

“If you still want to tell her, it’s up to you,” Rosie mutters weakly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any more help.”

“No, you've done more than enough.” I rest my head on hers, tears starting to sting my eyes. And not before long, they begin streaming down my face. “God, I’m so fucking stupid.”

Rosie just wipes my tears away. “Do you want me to get more beer? I still have time before I need to go. I'll drink with you.”

“I don’t think this is something a few more drinks can fix.” I shake my head, plopping down on my bed. "I need to think clearly, cos it feels like this hasn’t completely sunk in me yet.”

“You should go to sleep and think it through once you’re sober,” Rosie says, getting on her feet. “Just know whatever you decide to do, I’ll be here for you.” She gives me a reassuring smile. “Night, Lisa.”

The tears begin to flow again as soon as Rosie closes the door. It’s as if a flood gate has been opened, the downfall just won’t stop. 

And, the next thing I remember is waking up to someone sneaking into my bed and my arms.

_Lavenders. Jisoo always smells of lavenders._


	3. Chapter 3

I’m pretending as if Jisoo hasn’t woken me up. I know I’m running away, but I’m afraid to face her this soon. Afraid of what feeling seeing her would bring when my heart is already hammering so violently against my ribcage at the simple fact that she’s beside me.

Jisoo shifts endlessly, moving closer and closer like she sometimes does when she tries to _subtly-but-not-so-subtly_ wake me up except this time, every move she makes and every light breath that brushes my exposed skin makes my heartbeat get a little more erratic each time.

“Lisaaa, wake up…” Well, there goes her subtlety out the window.

I fake an irritated groan and turn my back on her, providing myself a little space away before my heart combusts, praying to all the gods that it will be enough to get her to stop pestering me.

But, even the gods hold no power over her because she maneuvers and sits on top of me. _Jesus Christ._ I wonder how much a heart can take until a person goes into cardiac arrest. Might as well die tonight. Everyone’s going to die, anyway.

“C’mon, I have something important to tell,” Jisoo says, repeatedly poking my shoulders. And, I can see her pouting in my mind's eye.

There’s no point in ignoring her when she’s like this. There’s no way she’s going to stop.

“God, _what_ is it _?_ ” I sigh through my nose, opening my eyes to look at her.

“Hi!” Her pout turns into a wide smile but reverses just as quickly. Her delicate fingers reach out and gently caress the baggage around my eyes. “Have you been crying?”

It’s quite ironic that such a pure and sweet gesture can make the emotional turmoil come rushing back like a pack of wild bulls in a rodeo gone wrong; like my heart is throwing up rainbows and sunshine while being pricked by thousands of needles at the same time.

I take her hand away from my face before I prospectively malfunction on the spot.

“Just watched a sad movie is all,” I lie. And, that seems to have convinced her because her smile returns, so bright that it puts the sun to shame. I stare at her curiously, my lips forming a genuine smile of its own at how blissful she looks.

Her happiness has always been contagious… so contagious that it’s all it takes for me to forget the predicament that I’m in. It seems as though her happiness outweighs everything else. Yeah, that seems like it.

“Okay, wait.” I sit up, holding onto her waist, and slide back so I can lean on the headboard. “Damn, you’re heavy. What did you have for dinner? The entire menu?”

“Hop off my dick.”

“Last time I checked, you're the one sitting on top of me.”

Jisoo laughs, lightly punching the top of my chest. This is already an unending cycle, I tease, she smacks, we laugh, but never has my heart ever skip a beat as it does now.

“Okay, but why do you look so disgustingly happy?”

Jisoo’s smile grows even bigger, making her eyes disappear. It’s the smile of hers that I like the most and I allow myself to bask in it.

Don't get me wrong. Jisoo was undeniably stunning last night, but right now… Jisoo in her pajamas with no makeup on, just her bare face and her beautiful smile… just the beauty in the simplicity of it all, of her all, makes my helpless heart go haywire for the umpteenth time.

And, it may take time to fall in love with someone, to figure out if you are, but one second in a certain moment, no matter how complex, sober or not, is all it takes to realize that you already are.

And, _this_ is my moment. I am, without a single spec of doubt, in love with my best friend.

“That's because I’m getting married!”

An icy shiver runs down my spine. “You’re what now?” I blink, begging the gods that I heard her wrong, but Jisoo reveals the hand hidden behind her back and shows the ring on her finger that glimmers in the light.

And, I can only let my fists clench onto the helms of her shirt desperately, unheedingly as if that will stop her from falling further away from me as if that would stop it from being true. I don’t know what else to do.

If someone told me yesterday that I’d be utterly destroyed when my best friend announces her engagement, I would have still laughed, but here I am now... utterly destroyed and nowhere near laughing.

I can’t think of a word that can encapsulate the excruciating pain that engulfs my entire being, maybe such a word doesn’t exist, but Jisoo seems to be so blinded by the gleaming shine in her eyes to see the pain I’m pretty certain is evident in mine.

I never, in all the years I’ve known her, have seen her this happy and for the first time in eight years, I take agony in her happiness.

“I’m engaged!” She squeals again, as if the pain of hearing it the first time wasn’t enough, and envelops me in a neck crushing embrace. “I wanted you the first to know because you’re my best friend. I’m so happy.”

A bitter chuckle comes out of me so weakly even I can barely hear it. The answer to my question has just been handed to me. To tell her about my heart now would be selfish and cruel. I can’t do that to her and I will not. Her happiness is all that needs to matter, even if it means I’m losing mine in the process.

Freeing her from my grip, I snake my arms around her, just holding onto her small, dainty frame. I nuzzle my head on the crook of her neck as my heart shatters into a million specs of dust. I take a deep breath to ease the throbbing pain in my chest and I truly mean every word when I say, “You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

“You know what will make me happier?”

I hum. “What?”

“If you’ll be my maid of honor.” She pulls back, looking at me with a glint in her eyes that sparkles even more. Call me a masochist, but I just laugh at the absurdity of it all.

“Like I would let anyone else take that place.”

Jisoo hugs me again, lost in her bliss. I bite my tongue so hard that I taste blood in my mouth just to stop myself from breaking down as she proceeds to tell me the events of her night. When she’s done, all that’s left inside of me is a numbing pain.

You know when a cut is too deep and the shock is too much, you can’t feel the pain, but the grave wound is right there and bleeding out? Well, that’s exactly how I feel.

I trace random strokes on her back, blankly staring at the ceiling of my room, as she lies here beside me. For some reason, sleep escapes her in hers, so she stays in mine tonight. I wonder if she’s asleep already.

“Jisoo? Why are you here right now? Shouldn’t you be celebrating with your… fiancé _?_ ” 

Saying that last word leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

“I was.” Ah, I see she can’t catch sleep here either. “But there’s an emergency at the hospital. He needed to go, so I asked him to drop me off here instead of leaving me alone in his apartment.”

Jisoo turns to face me, scooching closer into my arms, and I sigh away the ache her closeness brings. She fits so perfectly in my embrace as if all these years of us cuddling sculptured my lean arms to be made especially for her. And, for what?

I stroke her hair softly. She loves this, especially when she has trouble sleeping.

I swear I hear her purr a little. “Can you sing me to sleep too?”

“No,” I decline with a teasing smile. She frowns and I laugh lightly, placing a ghost of a peck on the top of her head. “Kidding. I’m going to spoil you tonight. _Just_ tonight.”

Jisoo beams triumphantly and kisses me on the cheek, leaving a burning sensation on where her lips touched. Good thing she closes her eyes soon after or she would’ve seen the blush scorching on my face.

I take the opportunity to stare at her loving face. I find it kind of sarcastically funny how ironic it is that everything in the room is mine except the one I’m holding so close and the one I want the most.

One of the songs she recommended me back then comes into mind and I begin to sing it for her. I can see her breathing go steady as I go on, so I know she’s close to falling asleep.

_No, you don't need my protection_

_But I'm in love, can't blame me for checking_

_I love in your direction, hoping that the message goes_

_Somewhere close to you_

_Close to you_

_Like so close if they heard you, you wouldn't find out_

_If you let me, I'd be there by now_

_Close to you_

“You have the sweetest voice… It sounds like honey,” Jisoo mutters once I'm done, with one foot probably already set in dreamland. She turns around again, but grabs my arm, draping it around her small waist, making her my little spoon. “I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s soothing... I love it so much.”

“Oh no, don’t go falling in love with me now,” I chuckle softly like I regularly joke around with her, but tonight, it serves as my coping mechanism to help the guilt of loving her and the pain, that arrived uninvited, of never having her a little bearable.

“If only I swing your way.” A typical answer that I’ve already heard from her more times than I can count with my fingers and toes combined, so anger fills me up when something that used to be funny suddenly hurts.

My tears start welling up. I feel weak. I feel as if there’s nothing that won’t hurt me at this point.

I struggle to keep my tears silent. “Too bad. It’s your loss.”

I mentally chastise myself when my voice cracks but, fortunately, Jisoo seems to have already succumbed to sleep because the reaction I expect never comes. I can see her steady breathing through my blurred vision, which only proves that she has.

So, I let my emotions take control, let the tears I’ve been trying to contain fall once again.

I hate how people have always romanticized our friendship and, now, I despise myself for being the hypocrite that I am. Different thoughts flood my brain and every one of them just fuels the anger I feel for myself, feeding my inexplicable self-loathing.

My sobs are stifled at first in a hopeless attempt to hide the enormity of my woe but soon, I’m weeping helplessly, shaking uncontrollably. All of my defenses have been washed away in these salty tears. And my blood tainted by pain and shame circulates through every vein in my body.

My tears continue to drip, raining down my pillow, and I can’t get them to stop.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let this happen. I shouldn’t let myself fall for you. I’m so sorry,” I sob ever so silently, nestling my face at the back of her neck. “I love you and I'm sorry.”

And, again, I fall asleep crying.


	4. Chapter 4

That was the last time I held Jisoo to sleep because a month after that night, she moved out of the apartment.

I figured it would happen sooner than later since she stayed with her fiancé the nights prior to her officially moving out. With our college years basically over and us just waiting for our graduation ceremony, there was absolutely no reason left for her to stay.

Roseanne went back to her parents’ place, so I had no choice but to vacate our residence for three and rent this new apartment I found near my workplace.

It took a lot of getting used to, even more than I care to admit. The separation anxiety I experienced was the total worst. As much as I love being alone, it’s extremely lonely not having them around, but I know the distance away from Jisoo was what I needed the most.

But, Jisoo not being physically present didn’t help much either since every time I’m alone with my thoughts, which I mind you is pretty often than not in a place where you stay alone, the thoughts of her plague me.

Fortunately, I have my job to distract myself with which helped _a lot_ to silence my mind; to silence her raspy voice and laugh I randomly sometimes hear; to stop the film of our memories, triggered by the stuff that reminds me of her, from playing over and over in my head.

When I said it’s easy for me to move on, I found out the hard way that she’s an exception because I’ve already cried myself dry for more days and nights than I can count, but the sorrow and pain still remained so I’ve accepted the fact that this isn’t something I can rush; that my heart will take its sweet time to heal.

Six months have passed since I discovered the deep-rooted love I had for Jisoo and I’d like to think I’ve at least made progress.

“Lisa? Lisa! Are you still there?”

I sigh internally when my mum drags me back from my wandering thoughts. She’s never stopped bothering me since I graduated, I just kind of zone out most of the time now.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I asked why won’t you just come home?” Every time she calls, she never fails to ask the same damn thing. I’m so tired of it that I can’t stop a grunt from escaping me which pretty much obviously pissed her off. “Lalisa Manoban!”

I flinch at her using my whole name which is an already proven indication that she’s about to go off and she will _not_ stop once she’s started so I put her on mute, mostly for self-care. I have just gotten back, exhausted from a whole day shoot under the scorching sun, so the last thing I need is for her to add more stress to this godforsaken day.

I turn the volume back on after a while and just as I thought, she still hasn’t stopped blabbering. My eyeballs almost pop out of their sockets when I roll my eyes. _If any of y’all higher beings is real, now’s the time to prove yourselves. I’m begging._

Someone knocks on my door without delay, which startles me out of my skin and… out of my couch too.

“Fuck that hurts,” I cuss, my bony ass slumped on the floor.

My mum calms down a bit. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Just fell off the couch,” I say, pushing myself up. “Someone’s at my door. I have to go, mum.”

“Who’s there? Are you expecting someone?”

“Yes, someone from work,” I lie, quickly taking the chance of whoever’s god has blessed me with. “I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”

I drop the call before she can utter another word and I’m sure I’m going to pay for that the next time she calls, but that’s a problem for another time. I walk towards the door with a grateful smile plastered on my face. It’s probably my old lady neighbor, looking for her cat _again_. I’ve already lost count of the times she has lost “Yogi” since I moved in. It’s annoying most of the time but, right now, I can actually kiss her.

“Hello, Mrs. Ch--”

The person on the other side throws herself at me as soon as I open the door, my neck carrying all of her weight. I don’t know what stones me in place— the surprise of her being the one on the other side of the door or her warmth I’ve deprived myself of that she envelops me with.

“You’re obviously not my neighbor looking for her cat,” I blurt out, still in utter shock. Security is tight around here and people need to be buzzed in before they can go inside the vicinity and I clearly don’t remember doing that for her. “Wait, how exactly did you get in?”

“I helped a nice old lady with her shopping bags by the gate and she probably couldn’t think ill of someone as pretty as I am so she let me in as well,” she answers cheekily, pulling back a bit but her arms are still encircled around my neck. Her face is a little too close for comfort, and my heart goes into overdrive. _Oh, nah, fuck… nah._

“What are you doing here, Jisoo? You could’ve messaged me first.”

“For what? So you can turn me down again? I haven’t seen you for _months.”_ Jisoo frowns and I can just stare blankly at her, guilt-ridden. “I don’t want to be that person, but I’m starting to feel like you’re avoiding me.”

Well, she’s not wrong because I was. Believe me when I say I’ve tried my best for everything between us to stay the same at the start because I thought facing my feelings head-on would help me move on faster, but when that apparently didn’t work out and I realized how emotionally and mentally draining it is to pretend as if everything’s okay, I tried a different path to take and that’s me steering clear of seeing her for a while.

She’s been busy with her wedding arrangements and the couple of times she found time and asked me out, I turned her down. While it’s true that I’ve also been busy with work, I actually can manage to squeeze her in if I wanted to.

I pretty much used all the excuse there is to avoid being with her; to elude the risk of feeling _exactly_ what I’m feeling right now with her inside my personal space. 

Six months. It’s been six months and yet... the effect she has on me is still unwavering. No matter how much my mind wills myself to believe that I’ve already made progress, the way my heart clenches at her embrace says otherwise.

I feel nothing but frustration at the realization that this path only leads to the same bleak, dire end— where I’m still so deeply, irrevocably in love with her. If anything, absence only made my heart grow fonder.

“Let's go get dinner,” Jisoo says.

“Not like I have a choice, you cornered me,” I scoff. “You know for someone who’s engaged, you have an awful lot of free time.”

I meant to say that as a joke, but my voice fails to deliver the humor and I know Jisoo catches the frigidity of my tone because a deep wrinkle furrows her brows.

“I don’t. I’m just grasping at straws to find time to spend with you. I can’t even remember the last time we’ve hung out.” She slides her hands from my neck down to my arms, clasping on my elbows as she lays her forehead just below my shoulder. I clench my jaw as my heart frantically pounds in my chest like a wild bear trapped in a cage. I hate how this kind of skinship still comes so naturally to her and I can’t stress enough how much I hate how right it still feels for me.

She remains oblivious of what she does to me; of what torment her actions bring. I doubt that she’s dense. It’s just that we’ve always been like this and there’s nothing I won’t give just for things to go back to how it was in the old times where I don’t have to worry about keeping my feelings at bay but how is that going to happen when even the littlest things she does make it impossible? What more am I supposed to do?

“I really miss you, dumbass. You have no idea.”

_Oh but I do... I know it’s not as much as I miss you._

With her around, the hollow space inside me that only her presence can tend to is filled once again. I missed her so much it hurts but I can’t trust my voice to say it out loud, with all the frustration and longing boiling inside me, so I choose to stay silent. I missed her so much that every fiber of my being aches to wrap her in my arms; to shower her with all the love I cannot give; to let my kisses tell her how much I’ve longed for her, but the universe doesn’t permit me to do so, so I constrain myself, standing still, unmoving.

“Jisoo, can you let go?” I ask before I lose whatever’s left of my self-control.

Jisoo conforms quickly, letting go of me like she just grazed a sweltering iron. She might have as well did because the pain painted in her eyes is as palpable as a third-degree burn. I’d rather she be angry but she looks more hurt than anything and I can swear I hear my heart shatter.

“Sorry, I’ll just go.” I hear the sadness in her voice as she meets my gaze with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I shouldn’t have come uninvited. Just text me when you’re free or whatever.”

“No, that’s not it. Don’t go,” I sigh as I run a hand over my face, breathing in a lungful of air to get a grip of myself. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.”

Jisoo just purses her lips. “I just don’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“You never talk to me anymore. I know we’re both busy and that’s partly to blame but we haven’t seen each other for _months_ , Lisa, three months and three weeks to be exact. And, you’ve been nothing but cold and terribly aloof since I got here. It’s just…” Jisoo sighs with the sad glint in her eyes still intact except now she’s looking at me like I’m a total stranger. “The Lisa I know would’ve acted _way_ differently. When I asked you out, you gave all kinds of excuses... I can’t help but think that you’ve grown distant on purpose, but it’s just not clicking...” 

_You’re not so dense, after all. In fact, you know me best…_

“Help me out here,” she begs as she takes my hand and gives it a little squeeze, staring at me with inquisitive eyes. “Did I do anything wrong? You know you can tell me anything.”

_…but you don’t know everything because I can’t. I can’t tell you that I’m in love with you, stupid._

“No, I’ve just been _really_ busy. I wasn’t cutting you off or anything.” The white lies just come naturally to me at this point. “I’m sorry I was being an asshole… Work hasn’t been kind to me today so I’m stressed out and lashed it out at you. I'm really sorry.” I pull her into a tight embrace, burying my nose on the top of her head, stealing a whiff of her lavender scent, before I say the first whole truth I’ve said to her in a while, “I missed you too, Jisoo. Like _so_ much.”

Jisoo sags in my arms as if that finally reassured her. “I guess I’m just being a little emotional.”

_No, I’m just a liar._ “I think it’s valid.”

“You’re already forgiven, so you can stop licking my ass now.” We both chuckle as she pushes me away gently, giving my shoulders reassuring squeezes. “Say fuck eating out... How about we stay in, order Chinese food, watch a movie, and enjoy a huge tub of ice cream?”

My lips curve into a huge grin. That’s our basic protocol when either of us feels like the other has fallen to the bottommost of dumps due to school or just life in general. I may have added a couple of lies, but my work has really been trying me lately, so this is just what I need. 

I boop her nose. “Ahh, no one still gets me like you do.”

“I said stop licking my ass,” Jisoo slaps my hand away jestingly, making me cackle. She then winks and smirks. “Also, _of course_. Even _none_ of the girls you kept around compares to me.”

“Wow, you’ve surpassed confidence and reached peak arrogance,” I scoff amusedly as she whips her hair, walking past me. Closing the door, I laugh, “And yes, you can come in, by the way.”

Jisoo sits on the couch, looking around my tiny apartment. I haven’t invited her since I moved in. We would meet outside, but never here because I, at least, wanted to have an environment where she hasn’t tainted yet; a place which won't remind me of her.

We have been best friends for the longest time now that we’ve already probably gone to every nook and corner of Seoul so trying to find a destination where it wouldn’t make me think of her can be very, _very,_ difficult. I groan inwardly as I just realize that I'm about to lose this apartment too.

I leave her be as I walk directly to the kitchen to get her something to drink like the good host that I wasn’t being one earlier.

“Jisoo, what do you want? Water, juice, or uh… water?” I snort at how pitiful a sight my almost empty refrigerator is. For the past couple of months, I’ve survived with takeout, which I knew would most likely happen anyway since cooking hates me as much as I hate it. “Jisoo?”

I just grab one of each when she still doesn’t respond. I can only see her side profile when I glance at her, but it’s enough for me to perceive that she’s staring blankly into nothingness.

“Jisoo!” I try to drag her away from her trance.

“I lied,” she finally speaks, turning her head towards me, with a troubled expression affixed on her face.

My eyebrows graze my hairline. “Lied about what?”

“I didn’t come here just to hang out for no reason… I just— I can’t think of anyone else I can be with right now. I need you.”

“Me? Why? What’s up?” I tread closer to her and when I get close enough, my poor eyesight takes notice of the brewing tears in her eyes and concern immediately fills me up.

Jisoo isn’t the type of person who cries so easily, so seeing her like this, on the verge of crying, tells me how serious whatever the situation she is in.

“Oh my god, what’s wrong?” I ask, quickly positioning myself on the table directly in front of her.

Her lips start to quiver and in just literally a blink of an eye, her tears stream down her cheeks. She buries her face in her palm; her voice is muffled but I still hear her clearly as she speaks in between her sobs, “Lisa, the w-wedding is off.”

_The wedding is what now?_ My mouth falls open, but words fail to come out. It seems that information is too much for my brain to process, causing it to just completely freeze and shut down.

And in the shell-shocked status that I’m in, I say what is one of the most, if not the most, stupidest thing I’ve ever said. “Uhh, I have beer, too?” I grimace, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Sorry, that was dumb.”

Jisoo just snorts, then chuckles, wiping her tears away. “Yeah, that was and you are,” she says, looking at me with a warm smile as if my lack of a better response was what she needed. Maybe it served as an out. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about it yet. “But, just water would be nice.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse (mostly emotional)

Scrolling mindlessly through Netflix, I wait for Jisoo to come back from the bathroom. We’ve just had our dinner and talked about everything we’ve missed about each other’s lives these past few months. Well, everything if what happened between her and Suho doesn’t count. It’s quite obvious she still doesn’t want to talk about it yet and I didn’t and won’t force her to.

“So, what will we watch?” I ask as soon as Jisoo occupies the other end of the couch. I’m thinking anything but romance, considering the situation she’s in, but then she surprises me when she answers Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

A bittersweet romantic film, but a _romantic_ film nonetheless? I might have raised an inquisitive brow. “You sure?”

“I said what I said. Just play it,” Jisoo answers nonchalantly, so I just shrug off my disbelief and do as I’m told. Besides, it’s one of my favorites, so there are no objections.

I found myself distracted, though. I keep stealing glances to check up on Jisoo but she just seems normal, very much entranced by the movie... like she’s not going through anything. She could’ve fooled me if only she wasn’t just crying earlier.

To be honest, the news still hasn’t sunk on me yet. They’ve been together for more than four years. What could’ve possibly gone wrong? Thinking about an answer that doesn’t come, my heavy eyelids droop and I can feel myself giving in to the fatigue I’ve accumulated for the entire week.

“I wonder if I'd do the same,” Jisoo speaks and that wakes me up. Her voice is right next to my ear, so I fathom she’s moved closer to my side. “Would you?”

“Huh?” is the only response I can give with my mind still disheveled from my slumber to understand what she’s asking. I take a moment to shed the sleep from my brain, noticing the credits rolling on the TV screen.

“Great, I slept through the entire movie,” I groan.

“Not like you haven’t seen this before,” Jisoo chuckles and scoots even closer, leaning on my shoulder. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I yawn. Her hair tickles my nose when I nuzzle my cheek on her head. “What were you asking again?”

“I mean if Lacuna Inc. does exist, would you have the memories of the person you loved erased because you can’t handle the pain? The person who broke your heart.”

“The person who broke my heart,” I muse.

She’s asking me if I’d choose to forget about her. I never thought about it but now that she’s made me, I realize that maybe a part of me wants the easy way out because, honestly, I’m just truly one big mess inside. I mean just hours ago, I was condemning how she is inside my personal space, but here I am now basking myself in excellence that is she.

“Maybe.”

I hear her breathe in sharply and raggedly. I do that too when I try to lessen the sting in my chest sometimes. She’s hurting more than she cares to show and that’s a confirmation.

“Maybe I would too.” Jisoo pauses for a moment and sighs. “You know how much I love him. I was the happiest girl when he proposed but everything… just went downhill from there.”

“But I thought you were… Weren’t both of you busy planning your wedding?”

The laugh that comes out of her was no less than lugubrious.

“Not we, _I_ was. I wish he cared even the slightest bit. He’s just not interested. When I ask him about stuff, he’d tell me just to pick what I want like I’m a bother. It’s our wedding and it’s appalling how there’s no single bone in his body that seems to care. I’m not asking for too much. I just wanted to at least be one of his priorities.”

“Aren’t you? I mean, one of his priorities?” I ask, then she shakes her head again. And, I can’t believe it. All this while I thought she was living her best life. She never mentioned it in any of her messages. “Maybe he’s just busy? Didn’t you say he’s a workaholic? And that you actually admired that about him?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it was a problem before since I was also busy with college. We were both occupied with our own. I mean I’m busy with work too, but I still find time. There’s literally no effort on his part in everything, actually. Not just the wedding stuff,” she sighs heavily. “I guess I just never really noticed how distant our relationship was and how I probably wasn’t his priority even then...”

I nod. That makes sense. That’s the reason why I didn’t want her to cancel her plans with Suho when Joy and I broke up because they barely get to talk and hang out.

“Yeah, like, I wasn’t even being subtle about how I thought it was weird but you always said it was okay because you love him.”

“Then you call me a stupid bitch.” I nod again and she chuckles, “But don’t we all do stupid things for love?”

“I guess…” Oh, don’t I know it. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

Jisoo leaves the comfort of my shoulder and hugs her legs tightly, her chin tucked on her knees— all balled up like she’s locking herself away from everything that hurt. It’s such a heartbreaking sight. She’s a strong woman and seeing her this fragile breaks me.

“It was okay since I thought it would be for our future but now, I can’t see myself in the future, living a happy life with him anymore. I’m just… _there_.” She shudders and I ball my fist. Just how terrifying is the thought of having a future with him to make her shudder?

“I feel like I don’t know him anymore. He stays in the hospital mostly. He’s barely at home and when he is, he barely gives me attention, and somehow, he makes me believe like it’s my fault. I let him gaslight me because I’m stupid and I love him. I tried to be as understanding and tolerant and passive as I can be but…”

“But you’re only human,” I finish her sentence when she obviously can’t quite place the right words.

Jisoo nods. “So, we fight and we broke into our worst one this morning just because I said I miss him. He told me I was becoming too needy, whiny, and demanding. Tons of shit he already called me before but what hit me this time was when he said I wasn’t the woman he proposed to; that I wasn’t who he thought I was; that he was wrong. Like I was a mistake...”

“You? A _mistake_? _You_?”

I clench my jaw and grind my teeth as bitterness chokes me. I’m disgusted by how the ways of the world are so rotten. How… just how can he treat someone I can only dream of like straight-up garbage when to be loved by her is a privilege that I cannot have and he just… He just took her for granted. It’s so unfair.

“He’s fucking stupid.”

“I know. I was holding my tongue for months until I couldn’t anymore I started lashing out and starting calling him names and calling him out and I might have hit a nerve because he raised a hand against me.”

My whole body stiffens. “He hit—”

“No, he held back.” Jisoo shakes her head. “But, I _could_ see that he wanted to hurt me. The darkness inhis eyes.”

“ _Fuck_.” I run my hand through my face.

“So, that was the last straw. I’m not waiting until he does, because I know he _will_.” Jisoo hugs her legs tighter and her breathing becomes unstable. She might not admit it but I know she was scared shitless. “I turned a blind eye on so many red flags when he finally showed his true colors. I guess it’s true that you never really truly know someone until you live with them.”

I keep my mouth shut, not because I want to but, because I don’t know what to say.

“I hoped things would start to look up one day but it never came. It only got worse by the day and I couldn’t tell anyone because I was too prideful to admit it to myself… much more to anyone else.” She bites her quivering lip, fist clenched on her arms. “I can’t— I’ve never felt sadder and pitiful and alone ever in my life than the months I’ve stayed with him and I don’t know what to do anymore. I _needed_ to get out of there. I _needed_ to rid myself of him.”

The insurmountable pain and helplessness I hear in her voice act as a stimulus for my arm to reflexively pull her into my chest, but she feels so stiff in my embrace as if I’m holding onto the thickest walls she had no choice but to build around herself to keep her emotional state intact when there wasn’t anyone around for her.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone,” I whisper with all the sincerity I have in me, securing her tighter in my arms. “I should’ve been there for you, but I’m here now… You don’t have to hold back anymore. Cry, shout, break my things for all I care. _I’m here_.”

I don’t stop whispering words of reassurance, hammering and barging through her walls like a crazy human bulldozer until it… _she_ collapsed unreservedly. I hold her as she weeps and shakes tremendously. That level of pain cannot be simply taken away by tears, but it helps.

I don’t know how long Jisoo bawled her eyes out, but by the time she has calmed down, my shirt is soaked.

Jisoo abandons the space on my chest. Her eyes are so puffy, she can barely open them. The aftermath of her breakdown literally made a mess, so I wipe her tears, her mucus, every fluid stuck on her face, away.

“Stop that, that’s disgusting,” she grumbles weakly, grabbing my hand.

I look at her funny, taking it back from her grip, and continue to wipe them away anyway.

“I’ve heard you fart. I’ve smelled your morning breath. I’ve seen you pick your nose and flick your booger at me… Does it look like I care about your snot? _Please_.”

Jisoo laughs, then sighs, just staring at me while I do what I do. 

“What are you looking at?”

“Get a girlfriend.”

I just chuckle at the randomness of it. “Be my girlfriend, then.”

“Ha-ha, hilarious.” Jisoo rolls her eyes, leaning against the couch, and my gaze follows her. “I’m being serious.”

“Who said I was joking?”

Jisoo slaps the side of my arm and I can't help, but laugh again. I would prepare a flower path for her with me waiting at the end of it, with rings and promises of a love so true and she would still think I'm kidding. It’s just how it is.

“It’s been what? A year since Joy? Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“ _Girl_ ,” I scoff. “Why does it matter?”

She was _literally_ just crying, how the hell did we even get into this conversation? It’s something I don’t want to talk about, but Jisoo has other plans and yanks me back when I attempt to escape, so I end up leaning against the couch too.

God, she can be very annoying sometimes.

“You’re sweet, caring, and gorgeous. You deserve to be with someone who loves you.”

I stare at the ceiling; a hollow chuckle leaves my throat. Those are not enough apparently. The problem is they deserve to be with someone who loves them, too.

“I’m doing just fine being single,” I sigh, meeting her gaze when I see in my peripheral that she’s looking at me. “Why are you even bringing this up?”

“At least one of us should have it… you know,” she says faintly. “The happy ending I thought I was gonna have with him.”

_Well, unless you love me back, then we’re both doomed._

“God, come here,” I whisper instead, pulling her to my arms once more.

Again, she breaks into tears but this time, it’s a somber and quiet cry. No anger, just pure pain, and lonely desolation. I can’t blame her if she thinks that way, especially right now when the wound is still so fresh, but I have to disagree and she needs to hear me disagree.

“You are the most beautiful soul I have ever met. It’s a crime if you don’t get that happy ending, not with him, fuck him, you’re too perfect for him anyway, but with someone else. Someone who’ll see your worth and love you just like the way you love.”

“You think?”

“I _know_ for a fact,” I state, kissing the top of her head. “You're not hard to love.”

Jisoo smiles as I let go of her, offering her the sweetest, comforting smile I can, and though I want to be the one to wipe away her tears again, this time, I let her.

“It’s gonna be alright. You’re gonna be alright,” I promise and I truly believe that. My brows raise when Jisoo just fixes a fond gaze at me. “You’re staring again.”

“Sorry," Jisoo chuckles softly, shaking her head. "I was just thinking about how you always know what to say. And, I know I said this already, but I really missed you… like in a way you probably don’t understand.”

“In a way I don’t understand?” I ask, my face contorts in confusion.

“Yeah…” Jisoo reaches for my hand and I watch her dainty finger mindlessly draw circles on my palm, waiting for her to speak again. “Back then, when he rejects my invites, you were always there to keep me company without fail and you always made me feel better so I guess you were the reason why I didn’t mind it too much. These past months that you were absent and things were so shitty, it made me realize how lonely it is without you around.”

“I’m sorry,” is all I can say, feeling the guilt flood my veins.

“Stop apologizing, dummy.” Jisoo intertwines our fingers together as she lays her head on top of my lap. “I'm just trying to say that I missed him. I really did… but I’ve always found myself missing you more. I missed my best friend. I missed the only constant happy pill I have.”

“Am I like a clown to you or something?” I ask with a laugh and she slaps my knee with her other hand.

“Will it _kill_ you to be serious for at least one second?”

“Okay, jokes aside.” I smile, fleeting but holding so much promise. “You’re never losing me again.”

“Good, cos it wasn’t really that long if you think about it but drifting apart with you had been stomach-turningly awful,” Jisoo grunts sleepily. I don’t even notice I’m running my fingers through her hair (I guess they still do come naturally to me too, the littlest nuances) until she sighs, “Oh, and I missed that too.”

“Do you want to stay over the night?”

“Um, about that…” Jisoo yawns.

“Yeah?”

“Can I stay here until I find a place of my own?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a change in pov halfway through the story and what about it

**JISOO'S POV** ****

Seoul Homes lists the best apartments available in the market, well _supposedly_ , but I’m here staring as vacant as the places listed on my computer screen after crossing all of them out in my head because none of the ‘best’ is good enough.

I groan, my elbows on the table, palms holding the weight of my head, fingers pressing my temples. “Are all the good ones really taken already?” 

“Not me, last time I checked.” Lisa has sneaked behind me and whispers in my ear.

“Jesus! Fuck!” I jolt hard, my hand clasps on my chest. Lisa laughs like crazy. “I will _kill_ you!”

I exclaim that but my body sinks into her hug like it’s second nature when she circles her long limbs around my neck. She just came back from work and out of the shower. Her wet hair drips cold water through my shirt, and usually, I would be annoyed, but I’m too comfortable to complain right now.

“Oh, you meant apartments,” Lisa says when her laughter dies off, her chin on my head. “These seem pretty decent to me. You’re just too picky, Jisoo. And that’s not a bad thing.”

“Not a bad thing?” I ask, tilting my head up a bit so I can look at her.

Lisa just winks and smiles so wide, her cheekbones pop. “Anyway, enough of that. I’ve got a better plan to spend the night.”

Her lips lightly brush my forehead, so light it felt as though she just breathed on it before she stands straight again and slams my laptop shut. She proceeds to the kitchen and pops a bottle of wine she bought on the way home for no reason.

“You were actually serious? Why?”

“Yeah? Should there be any other reason besides I want to be wine drunk with you?”

Lisa rolls her eyes all the way to the back of her head when I just stare at her with incredulity and amusement. She almost stomps like a little girl, one hand holding the bottle and two wine glasses and the other now grasping my wrist, pulling me with her to the couch.

“You have work tomorrow.”

“I know, but _please_?”

Lisa huffs through her nose and pouts like a baby, and a smile spreads on my face. She reminds of those underground tunnels I see in the movies where there are different paths to choose from and they lead you to different exits — from the hustle and bustle of the city streets, to a house cradling a family of four, or to the creepy alleyway somewhere no one ever dares go to. It’s so random, each of them a surprise, and that’s what makes it compelling.

Lisa’s personality is just like that. She can be mature. She can be playful and fun. She can be scary and intimidating (oh god, it’s true when they say you should be afraid when nice people are mad). But in the series of her tunnels I’m pretty sure I’ve all already wandered into, there’s one hidden path that I found, that only I can have access to, that _she_ only gave access to _me_ even if she’s maybe unaware of it.

Leaving your home country and family at such a young age to study in another country in which you are not accustomed to the culture, the people, and the language leaves you no other choice, but to be independent. Lisa is no different. Sure she had her guardian to look out for her, but they could only do so much. My best friend learned how to look out for herself at such a young age (it actually amazes me how despite that, she still doesn’t know how to cook).

So when Lisa shows this side of her, when she opens this tunnel where she acts like a baby, like she wants to be spoiled, I still marvel into it as I wander and wonder like it’s the first time, taking careful, slow steps and enjoying the walk, even in the many times I’ve been let in, because I know the multiple and complex locks and clogs of the door to this path only and solely opens for me. Not even her ex-girlfriends, no, because she loves being the mature one.

It’s like my tiny privilege in and of itself and I realize that I find myself _always_ indulging her.

“Jisoo?”

“Hm?” I hum blankly, unaware of how I’ve been carried away by my distant musings and suddenly aware of how I’m not laughing anymore. I clear my throat when I see Lisa looking at me curiously.

“I kinda lost you there,” Lisa breathes out a chuckle, sitting me gently on the couch and setting the wine on the table. She meets my gaze again with the same curiosity not leaving her eyes. “What were you thinking?”

I don’t want to tell her for some reason. ‘For some reason’ is that I’m afraid that if she isn’t, in fact, aware of it and suddenly becomes, she would shut the path down completely because of her pride or whatever. And I don’t want that.

“Nothing,” I brush it off calmly and apparently convincing enough because Lisa just shrugs and reaches for the remote. I pour wine into each of our glasses and hand over one to her, a knowing smirk tugging on my lips.

“I knew you can’t say no to me,” Lisa says. Her big goofy grin occupies almost half of her impossibly tiny face.

That’s exactly what I was thinking to sum it all up. In the spectacle of our dynamic where we are mostly just a couple of chaotic individuals when together, wanting to punch each other’s throat as a norm, I like the usually not directly spoken and hinted with jokes and jabs, but obvious part, where we also care for each other deeply.

I love indulging her even in the littlest ways and I don’t want that to be taken away from me, especially now, because for the most part since I lived here, she’s been the one taking care of me. She rarely ‘opens the door’ and asks for anything anymore. She just gives and gives. And I’d love to give back in any way I possibly can.

I’m not blind. Of course, I notice.

It takes knowing a person for so long and so well to be familiar with the even rhythm of their breathing when they’re sleeping and well it’s Lisa… I honestly don’t know anyone more, so I noticed the uneven ups and downs of her chest when I used to cry myself to sleep because she knows, without me telling her, that I needed space. I noticed how she just looked out for me in silence; how she _always_ welcomed me in her arms and embraced me so securely when I move to her side of the bed when I’ve already cried myself dry and still couldn’t fall into slumber.

How she took the liberty of getting my stuff from Suho’s because she knows how much I don’t want to see him again even if she abhors him too. How she finds time to accompany me when I just want to jaunt around Seoul to keep my mind off of things. How she would hold my hand and squeeze it reassuringly when I suddenly stiffen because I see something that reminds me of my ex-fiancé. How she takes breaks from her work or life in general, just to give me attention and listen to me complain about everything or nothing at all, even though she’s extremely busy.

Lisa is always there, her presence just hovering around or planted beside me, helping and guiding me through my healing process… and even out of it. And if I list those too, then it will be unending.

The thing is Lisa always indulges me too, in more ways than one. I owe her a _lot_.

“Okay, what is up with you, creep? Why do you keep staring? Is that a habit you picked up?” Lisa shifts uncomfortably beside me and nudges my shoulder hard. When I just smile sheepishly, she points a finger to my face. “Oh, no, _No._ You’re not smiling your way out of this. You, ma’am, are gonna tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Fine.” I swirl my wine around, taking a whiff of it, and sigh contentedly. “I’m just. Thankful. To you, for everything.”

When Lisa doesn’t respond, I look at her again. Her big, doe eyes are narrowed, but I catch the smile trying to break out of her lips before she manages a disgusted grimace.

“Ew. Forget I asked, I don’t need you getting cheesy on me.”

“Dork.” I roll my eyes fondly, flicking the top of her ear a little too hard than I intended because it reddens instantly at the contact and she winces. I utter a quick sorry and my hand reflexively shoots back to her ear to softly rub the pain away. 

Lisa jerks back. It almost looks comical how her eyes widened and how fast she faced front to hide her face from me. She probably thinks I didn’t notice the redness of her ear spread like a plague to her cheeks. A giggle bubbles in my throat as I put my hand back on my lap.

It’s true when I said I don’t know anyone more than I do Lisa, but in certain instances, even after so many years, I still discover something new. Things that shouldn’t be a big deal, but I like them nonetheless. It’s like finding a couple of paper bills in a bag or a pair of pants I haven’t used for so long. It catches me by surprise, then it makes me feel giddy because I found something I wasn’t expecting.

‘That spot of Lisa’s ear is sensitive as fuck’ is my last thought with a silly smile stuck on my face before I zeroed in on the movie she’s chosen for us to watch.

“Prisoner of Azkaban?”

“Uh-huh, best Harry Potter movie,” Lisa answers, her voice about an octave higher.

_Not when you’ve read the book, no,_ I wanted to say, but I’m not in the mood to engage in another Harry Potter argument with her, so I drink my wine instead.

//

Lisa popped another bottle for herself when we started the next movie. I can’t handle my alcohol that well, so I stopped drinking after the first bottle, feeling the buzz in my head. I’m drunk, mind in a frenzy, world spinning faster than normal, but not _too_ drunk to lose bodily functions and sensible thoughts.

I'm lying on top of Lisa’s lap, her fingers playing with my hair, curling strands of it, and I’m drunk enough not to care about the occasional, embarrassing purrs that leave my lips when she gently drags her fingernails on my scalp. Lisa hears the last one and she giggles, tilting her head down. An easy smile settles on her lips.

“I love you, you know?” Lisa says so off-handedly as if she just said the most obvious thing in the world.

“And _you_ accused me of being cheesy.”

Lisa throws her head back in laughter. “It’s the alcohol talking. Sorry,” she releases a long sigh, then continues to watch the movie.

I love her too, you know. Yeah, sure, we date other people, but we will always be each other’s person. We connect in levels some people can only dream of and will probably never achieve in their lifetime. Life is just so, so much easier around her like I don’t even have to try to fit in. It’s just seamless and it flows smoothly. And the year I spent in this apartment with her, after her ‘ghosting’ me and after the _worst_ break up I’ve ever had, just solidifies that fact.

Lisa is my best friend. My life partner. My through thick and thin. My for better and for wor—

“Oh my god!” I gasp loudly, hand on my mouth, when my train of thoughts catches up to me and Lisa jumps in her seat, startled and confused. The corners of my mouth stretch into a goofy smile. “I just realized something!”

Lisa creases her brows in a very unflattering way. “ _What_ the _hell_ is it this time, weirdo?” 

“We’re married! I mean minus the sex, _duh_ , we’re actually like a married couple!”

“Minus the _what_ we’re like _what_ now?” Lisa blurts out with a look on her face that borders disbelief and amazement. And then, she cackles loudly. She looks at me, then the wine glass in her hand, then the bottles of wine and the already forgotten glass on the table, _and then_ back at me. “How much have you had to drink? Are you drunker than I am?”

“I’m buzzed but I’m fine. Listen. Shut up for a second,” I roll my eyes, trying my best not to chuckle along with her very infectious laugh. Lisa purses her lips to suppress it, but her whole body is still shaking, and I guess that’s the best she can do, and that will do. 

“We live together. We sleep on the same bed. We pay bills. We buy groceries every week and I cook for us. We celebrate our work accomplishments and successes together. You go to work, you drive me to work when I need to go, you fetch me from work, or I wait for you ‘til you come home because it gets boring when I’m alone—” I pause to catch my breath and Lisa isn’t laughing anymore, instead she’s looking at me thoughtfully, her head tilted to the side, resting on the palm of her hand. She nods for me to continue and I do, “—I mean we’re here, in each other’s personal space, getting drunk on wine and watching a movie after a long day. Just the two of us. We’re so. _Domesticated_.”

Lisa just continues to stare at me in ways that range from “do you hear yourself” to “but I hate that it makes sense”. Maybe it’s because of the alcohol freely flowing in her bloodstreams that her eyes are extra expressive tonight. She has the most expressive eyes known to humans, so it doesn’t get past me when the mirthful, amused gleam in her irises suddenly turns blank and cold when I say what I say next.

“God, this is exactly how it should’ve been with Suho.”

“Are you... still not over him?” Lisa asks, her finger trailing my collar bone back and forth. I see her throat work when she gulps hard, looking forward but probably not seeing what’s ahead.

See, whenever I mention Suho, Lisa dives straight down into this hole where she just seems detached; like she’s in the receiving end of a dementor’s kiss and her eyes are void of happiness. I asked her about it one time and she told me it’s because she hates the man so much for what he did to me and it just sucks the life out of her.

But even then, Lisa didn’t want me to stop confiding in her when I needed to get something out of my chest because that’s what matters more. So, after a lot of arguing on my part and convincing on hers, I didn’t stop, and she listened with the same empty eyes she has now.

And though I hate seeing them again, they make me realize something. This is the first time for a very long time that I’ve seen Lisa like this because I haven’t talked about Suho for so long and I honestly can’t even remember the last time he crossed my mind. The pain in my chest that has always demanded to be felt whenever I think about him is not there anymore. Nothing. I feel nothing, and if anything, it’s relief. Then, it hits me.

“I am… Oh my god, I _am_ over him.” 

It feels so good to hear myself say it out loud and actually believe it. A jaw-breaking, lip-tearing smile breaks free on my face. I snap into a sitting position and Lisa’s widened eyes, now full of life, disappear from my line of sight when I pull her into an embrace.

“You took your time, huh,” Lisa chuckles airily in my ear and I slap her back lightly.

“Shut up, it’s only been a year! I did great!”

“Blah, blah, whatever. That piece of shit didn’t deserve one day. You deserve someone better.”

“No shit.” I retract myself from her arms and pinch both her puffy cheeks. “Our very domesticated lifestyle just made me realize what I want. Now, I’ll just wait ‘til someone like you comes along.”

Lisa rolls her eyes and wriggles away from my fingers. “Right,” she scoffs, dripping with sarcasm.

“Men can only wish they can even come close to everything that I am,” Lisa says with so much confidence, it makes me gag (fine, fake gag). “Gag all you want, doesn’t make it less true.” She smirks and slams her whole hand on my face, shoving it back.

I burst into laughter as my body unceremoniously goes crashing to the couch. Closing my eyes, I breathe in deep and long until my lungs can’t take air anymore and I release probably the longest sigh I’ve had yet.

What Lisa said is true, though. I’ve witnessed how she loves. In a platonic way, I’ve experienced it too.

It’s kind of a shame, really, to see someone with so much love to give having no one to give it to. Not that I haven’t seen girls flock towards her and flirt with her when we go out, so finding a girl is definitely not the problem. I even suggested to set her up on a date with someone I know from work, but she rejected the idea before I could even say the first syllable of her name.

Lisa just and still brushes me off whenever I ask her about anything _finding-a-girlfriend_ related, so I gave it up. Joy will forever be her last girlfriend if this goes on and that’s such, like a said, a shame ‘cos she was a cheater.

“Hey, Lisa? Have you ever found out what exactly Joy meant about what’s lacking in your relationship? Or was that just an excuse she had so her cheating can somehow be validated? No, screw that, cheating will never be valid _ever_ but like. You know what I mean.” 

I wait for her to answer or to at least feel her _move_. After a few moments of nothing but television noise and complete stillness between us, she still doesn’t speak a word, but she finally moves, the dip of where she was sitting on the other end of the couch disappears.

“Lisa?” I squint an eye open and prop myself to see what she’s up to. “Where are you going?” I ask when I find her walking towards the door.

The girl in question just picks up the garbage bags I left there earlier to be taken out later (later which is supposed to be now but I forgot about it), instead of answering me again. She’s ignoring me.

“Wait, are you taking the trash out?”

“Uh, obviously?” Lisa answers finally, lifting the bags a bit higher to further emphasize how dumb my question is. “What else am I supposed to do with these?”

I roll my eyes. “It’s my turn to take them out, so leave them be and just rest.”

“No, it’s okay.” Lisa shrugs, avoiding my gaze. “I wanna get some fresh air too, anyway.”

Lisa keeps on doing this, claiming my end of tasks and responsibilities in the apartment whenever she can, that I know better now than to argue. Especially now that I seem to have ticked a nerve. I had no idea it was still a sour topic. I thought she already moved on?

“Fine,” I sigh in surrender, standing up and opening the door for her. “I’ll just go with you.”

We walk in not-companionable-but-preferred silence down the hallway. It’s surprising how Lisa can still walk straight after consuming _so much_ alcohol. If this were before, she’d be wobbling right now. Her alcohol tolerance has improved so much. When even was the last time I’ve seen her drunk?

_Oh_ . My stomach tightens when I remember. It was _that_ night.

Lisa was drunk on beer, stumbled on her feet and I caught her and she drank _me_ in, from head to toe to head, lips if I’m to be precise. There was something different in her gaze, so I teased her to keep my mind off of how my stomach was in knots because of how she was looking at me, but it only got worse.

She said she wanted to kiss me and I believed her. I truly did in that few but probably _longest_ seconds of my life. And I was so shocked and confused ‘til she laughed at me, the look in her eyes long gone.

I was truly taken the fuck back. Thinking of it now, that might actually have shocked me more than when Suho popped the question later that same night. But, I’m never telling her that, because that’s just… embarrassing and, like, messed up.

“I wasn’t in love with her.”

I can tell it’s an unconscious thought that unintentionally lolls out of Lisa's tongue because she purses her lips shut when I snap my head towards her. But, I heard it and I _can’t_ pretend like I didn’t.

We’re waiting for the elevator and Lisa is watching the number rise to our floor anxiously, while I blink slowly at her side profile, bewildered to my core. I think she’s a lie. It has to be a lie.

“Are you talking about Joy?”

“Yeah. Well. Okay…I mean I cared for her and I loved her but I don’t think I was in love with her—” Lisa sighs through her nose sharply, nipping on her lower lip gingerly, her eyes now tightly shut. “—I was in love with someone else.”

“ _What?_ ” I spin her, forcing her to face me. “It’s been what? Almost two years? And you’re only telling me _now_?”

“I couldn’t tell you,” Lisa chuckles somberly, opening her eyes, and her gaze pierces mine. “You were pretty preoccupied.”

Then, the elevator arrives. The lone occupant asks if we’re going to get in, but after a few seconds of awkward silence, they close the elevator doors, ignored and still alone.

I wonder if this is how a deer caught in headlight feels like— frozen in place, not expecting what’s about to hit it. I didn’t know what I was expecting to see when I forced her to look at me but it wasn’t _this_. This is the most unguarded and raw I’ve ever seen her eyes apart from— _God. Oh, god._

My stomach is suddenly in familiar knots _again_.

Lisa and I have had been in so many drunken truth and dare games back when I didn’t have a boyfriend yet and we never backed down. When people dared us to kiss... We _kissed_ — peck, wet, tongue, all kinds, whatever was asked— so, _that_ particular night, it wasn’t the thought of kissing her that surprised me, no.

It was the intense want, need, and longing her eyes screamed when she whispered the words that did. That’s what was different. And tonight, they’re there again in her eyes, much more profound, and matched with unimaginable pain and accumulated frustration and heartbreaking sadness— the look of someone so broken, and yet had no choice, but to live with the pain.

All directed to me. All _because_ of me.

“I still am. Unfortunately,” her small, defeated voice ripples in the silence, and I swallow hard. My head spins and I’m pretty sure the alcohol in my system has got nothing to do with it, but because of how I’m wracking my brain for something to say.

“Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?” is the best I can come up with.

“I don’t know,” Lisa shrugs a shoulder. “I can’t pinpoint when exactly. I know when I realized it, though.” She takes a moment and scoffs dryly, shaking her head. “You went out and came home engaged. That was the happiest I’ve ever seen you, Jisoo… how was I supposed to tell you?”

I wish Lisa would just laugh again and tell me she’s just joking and I’d believe her. I’ll find myself believing her, like what I did back _that_ night because it's easier. I’d push the look in her eyes to the back of my head because that’s easier than dealing with it being true. Or she could just say it’s the alcohol talking again and drunken words are not sober thoughts or something. _Anything._

But Lisa doesn’t. She just shrugs half-heartedly with a rueful, dejected smile.

_My best friend is in love with me._

And, my heart drops to the pits of hell. I can’t feel my knees and my hands squeeze tighter onto her arms, desperate to support my weight, as everything that happened in the last year falls into different pieces, but _everything_ still fits together into a different huge-ass puzzle that shows how Lisa has been in love with me the whole time. I was just looking at it the wrong way.

“You were engaged, then you were preparing for your wedding, then you were not anymore and it left you so broken. I didn’t have the chance to tell you. But maybe I’ve always wanted you to know,” Lisa draws in a deep breath. “I wanted to tell you somehow, in some way, cos it’s unfair to you. You deserve to know. You’ve noticed— the ghosting, the ‘very domesticated lifestyle’, me being sick of the girlfriend talk, how I go the extra mile for you— but you never got it, which is not your fault, really. It’s hard to get the message across when… we’re just how we are… so ‘couply’ and shit.”

“Lisa…” It sounds so weak and so foreign I wouldn’t believe it came from me if I didn’t know better. Lisa scrunches her nose and exhales sharply like she does when she tries not to cry. She succeeds and smiles reassuringly. She’s _wounded_ and _aching_ , and yet she’s reassuring _me_ — the one who caused the wound and the ache.

“I love you. I’ve been in love with you for god knows how long, but you’ve been my best friend for longer and no one knows more than us that you don’t swing my way, so don’t worry, I’m just telling you for the sake of telling you. I tried _so hard_ to stop feeling what I'm feeling, it makes me sick because you’re my best friend, but I’m already too far in and that’s all on _me_. So, if this—” Lisa points to both of us, back and forth. “—is not comfortable to you anymore, I’ll stay away. I’ll understand.”

Words have completely left me. I feel so emotionally and mentally overwhelmed. My body is jelly; my mind is hazy; my brain can’t catch up.

I don’t even realize that I’m already crying ‘til Lisa cups my cheek and wipes my tears away; that I jerked like I was scorched by her touch ‘til that same gentle hand, now inches away from my face, curls into a fist then drops limp beside her. And, I regret doing what I did as soon as I see the wounded look on her face and the unshed tears in her eyes.

“I-I’m sorry.” I take a step towards her, but Lisa steps back.

“ _Please_ , don’t do anything you don’t wanna do on my account. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry,” Lisa croaks out, her wistful gaze begging me to keep my distance or she will lose every ounce of resolve she has left not to break down in front of me. “I’ll, um, go. I have to throw these away.” 

I feel like someone just ripped my heart out of my chest and I can just watch them step on it over and over again. I hurt Lisa and that’s the last thing I wanted to do, but… I also don’t know _what_ I want to do. So, I can just stand here helplessly and stare at her, my sight blurry from the tears that won’t stop, as she quickly enters the elevator when it arrives.

I know when she’s barely keeping it together and one last tiny push will send her over the edge. I’ve seen it before. I cry harder seeing it now.

Teeth biting hard on her bottom lip, Lisa presses the close button repeatedly and forcefully, willing it to shut the doors faster. But, she can only hold it in for so long and the elevator doors aren’t fast enough.

An inch before they completely close between us, I see and hear Lisa collapse, the palm of her hands digging at her eyes, the sound of her cries reverberating in the small space.

Then, she’s gone and my heart’s left on the floor, bruised and bleeding out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> personally, this is my favorite chapter! the next chapter is a close second lol


	7. Chapter 7

_**LISA’S**_ _**POV**_

I once watched a (horrible) movie where this huge, buff guy was pierced by a shard of glass in his leg. He had this girl pull it out and asked her to cauterize it before he bleeds dry. And regardless of how strong he looks and how high his pain tolerance seems, his face still unflatteringly contorts in pain; a desperate groan flits through his teeth, biting hard on a cloth in his mouth.

He was in complete and total anguish. But I’d trade places with him if I can.

There’s a level of pain that’s too much for your heart to contain that it shoots in every part of your body; that it pains you physically even if there’s no physical wound present; like there’s a nerve damage appearing and concentrated in random places making the pain more immense and intense. It stings in your chest one second, then the pit of your stomach, then the tips of your fingers, then the temples of your head, then all of them at the same time. Around and around, it travels. And it’s so exasperating and maddening because no treatment can heal it and no amount of pain killers can dull the pain. You _feel_.

There’s no escape. It is persistent and you can’t run from it. It will catch you, pin you on the ground, put you in a chokehold until your throat constricts and your lungs beg for air, and force you to tap out.

And all of that can happen in only a matter of seconds. The mere seconds when the arguably most important person in your life recoils at your touch.

I despise myself for failing to hold my emotions in when Jisoo did that and she had to witness me collapse because someone guilted into staying is something I will never wish for anyone. If she’s uncomfortable with me, she has every right to feel so and I should respect that.

I knew it could happen, but nothing could’ve ever prepared me for the pain. I told her I’ll understand and I do, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

“Whoa, you look like shit,” is Rosie’s hello when she accepts my facetime.

“Can’t believe you actually answered,” I muse. She rarely answers her calls, and almost always ignores texts, so I’m for real surprised.

Her eyebrow quirks. Worry creases her forehead.

“Where are you? And why do you look like you just got curved?” Rosie asks sternly, ignoring my attempt to stir the subject.

“The park. On top of a slide.” I nip on my chapped lips and sigh. Hearing myself say it just makes me think about how stupid this is. A big, adult girl finding safety in a kids’ playground because she’s a coward. “And well, cos I just did get... curved.”

Shock settles on Rosie’s face as it comes closer and closer on my screen. And before I realize what’s happening, there’s a loud plop of something hitting skin, the screen turns black, and a pained groan follows soon after.

“Oh my god? Are you alright?”

“I-I’m fine. I’m fine!” She squeaks the moment her face was back on again, a little disoriented, and a part of her cheek where her phone landed a little reddish. She nurses it with her hand and winces. “Fuck, that’s gonna bruise.”

“You clumsy bitch,” I chuckle. And it makes me feel, well, just a tad bit better.

“Shut up,” Rosie breathes out and I do and we sit in silence for a moment. “Oh my god... You told Jisoo. Wait, we’re talking about her, right? _How_?”

“Who else? It just sort of came out,” I shrug feebly. “We were drinking wine and she was just there, lying on my lap and I was just there, playing with her hair, and then when she looked at me, I was suddenly in my feelings and I told her I love her—“

“And? It’s not like we don’t tell each other I love yous.”

“Which is why she didn’t know any better,” I say and Rosie gets that I’m not done yet. “But that’s how it started. It was a hole in the dam of unspoken truth and brooding feelings inside me and though I plastered the leak and went back to my wine, she ripped it right off when she went on about how we act like we’re practically married. And then she asked if I figured out why it didn’t work out with Joy... And at that point, everything was just _so_ overwhelming and the dam failed to hold up. I told her.”

I can almost feel the sympathetic rub Rosie would have given the small of my back if she’s right here in the way she’s looking at me through the screen, but there was an evident annoyance there too, as little as it may be.

“I still tried to suppress it, really, but I couldn’t in the end... and I word-vomited and she was crying. I know she doesn’t feel the same way though, so... I’m just scared.” The last sentence quavers in my throat and I blink back the tears threatening to flow again. “I don’t wanna lose my best friend. When I tried to wipe her tears, she backed off and that’s exactly what I felt.” I breathe out shakily, “Shit, I’m a fucking mess.”

“Yeah well, unrequited love and with your best friend nonetheless and finally confessing to her after years of painfully hiding it from her and thinking you’re losing her because of the feelings you didn’t ask for in the first place kinda does that to you.” Rosie scowls and crosses her arms over her chest. The annoyance has grown, apparently. “I _told_ you it was a bad idea—“

“—to live with her again,” I finish her sentence with an eye roll. “I know, I know. But I _told_ you I couldn’t say no. I thought it’s just for a couple of days but she can’t for the love of god find a place she likes. What was I supposed to do? Kick her out?”

Rosie looks like she’s considering that isn’t a bad idea.

“I _couldn’t_ do that,” I shut her down before she even starts. “ _You_ wouldn’t do that to her.”

“You’re right, I won’t. But you missed the part where I’m not hopelessly and desperately in love with her. _You_ are,” Rosie scoffs.

“Yeah, and? She’s still my best friend. I couldn’t turn my back away from her again.”

“Of course, you can’t,” Rosie says, dripping with sarcasm.

“Excuse me?” I raise an inquisitive brow.

“You just can’t run away from her, circles and circles you go always running _towards_ her,” Rosie retorts flatly and I can only bite my bottom lip in response. She shakes her head and sighs. “I’m sorry. I know I sound like a condescending asshole but I just- I love you and I’ve seen how stupidly in love you are with her from the get-go and it was cute at first, but it brought you so much pain... You can’t do that to yourself forever.”

In a way, Rosie is right. When I tried to stay away from Jisoo ages ago, I know deep inside my subconscious I believed that she will still be there in case I cave; in case I choose her again. And I‘m certain even when she didn’t appear on my doorstep, sooner or later, I would have appeared on hers because she’s Jisoo.

_I’ve been doomed from the start, huh,_ I chuckle lifelessly as I tilt my head up to the cloudless, moonless, night sky. It gives me a sense of clarity. The bright stars alone illuminate the dark and they shine so beautifully, so at peace in each of their places after having gone through death. I want what the stars have, too— the death and the peace that comes after.

Jisoo is the bane of my existence, but also the only safety net I cling onto. The best and worst part of my life shackled together in one tiny body. And I knew that the only way I could keep the best part for certain is if I embraced the worst. So, I did that.

She’s this incredible abyss that I keep falling and falling deeper into and I didn’t know how to stop. No, I refused the only option left because even if I was falling to my death, I also enjoyed the bliss of flying. But it’s evanescent and at some point, I will reach the bottom and I have.

And I realize that’s exactly the reason why I told Jisoo, even if it meant the ‘best’ dies with it and I have to live through the ‘worst‘ so I can experience the peace I’ve deprived myself of.

“You’re kinda wrong, you know,” I utter bluntly. Rosie arches an offended brow. “I mean what you said about how I can’t run away from her.”

”Okay,” says Rosie but she looks confused. “Okay, you lost me.”

“I’m not the chaser. I’ve always been the one being chased. Running away from the truth looming behind me, above me, and all around me, because I’m terrified. Terrified of what might happen if I let it catch on to me.”

“H-hold up?” Rosie stammers a bit when I motion to climb down the slide. I don’t stop, though. “Where are you going?”

“Towards her.” I nod once as if I wasn’t definitive before I heard myself say it.

“Oh, you mean,” Rosie utters weakly. “But you said— are you not scared of losing her anymore?”

“I am. Of course, I am but I’m _so_ tired,” I release a sigh to ease the pain, but it helps little to nothing. “If losing her is the price I have to pay, then so be it. Sure, it’s gonna hurt and I’d be destroyed and crushed to smithereens, but if it’s closure that I need in order to move on, then I’m gonna take it in any way, shape, or form it comes even if it means I’m losing her.”

“That sounds awfully harrowing, okay, but it still feels like you’re oversimplifying it? You will go through hell or whatever’s worse than that and Jisoo will, too. I know how much she matters to you. And you matter to her just as much, so maybe don’t sell her short? I mean you just threw a bomb at her and she probably was shocked and confused. Maybe, she just needs time to process it—”

“Rosie, zip it,” I laugh grimly. She turned into this optimistic girl, exactly what I don’t need right now. “Don’t backpedal now. Don't give me false hope. It doesn’t make things better.”

“Sorry,” Rosie mutters, shifting uncomfortably on her bed. “I was just trying to—“

“Help, I know,” I smile understandingly and she visibly relaxes. “You already did by answering my call, by the way. I still can’t believe you did,” I chuckle.

“Beats me,” Rosie smirks, then gentles it into a soft, reassuring smile. “I’ll make sure to answer again the next time you call.”

//

Walking to our apartment has been the most dreadful ten minutes of my life (well if what happened earlier and what might happen in the next ten minutes doesn’t count). I feel like throwing my guts out.

Jisoo is in here. I’m sure after seeing all the pairs of shoes she owns still sitting pretty with all of mine in the rack. And since she’s not anywhere my eyes can reach, I figure she’s in my room, _our_ room.

Everything in here is ours now, actually. I still don’t know how it exactly happened. Jisoo moving in wasn’t the plan, in fact, we didn’t discuss it. It just sort of happened. We settled into a steady ebb and flow, a steady rhythm, and a year later, here we are. It’s back to how we were in college and more, and it just feels right.

Her stuff started mixing with mine, but even so, nothing ever felt out of place. We share half of everything. Half of my closet. Half of my vanity. Half of my bed which she occupies only when she’s not on my side, in my arms. Some mornings I wake up cuddling her, some mornings she wakes up earlier to cook us breakfast.

Well, we don’t actually share everything.

The sight of her working in the kitchen is something I never thought I’d ever witness. Somewhere, somehow while living with her douchebag ex-fiancé, she learned how to cook and she said that’s the only good takeaway she got from that time of her life.

I remember the morning when I saw her cooking for the first time. You could imagine my surprise when I walked in on Jisoo meddling with the cooking stuff that I have but never used, wearing an apron, belting Clarity, and pumping her fist in the air with a few head bangs here and there. The sight was so amusing and comical that a loud ass cackle burst out from me and then, there’s a spatula flying to my face.

I never thought such a happy memory will ever prompt a somber smile.

Jisoo owns the kitchen and all of its glory. And all of its glory will be gone along with her when she leaves and the same goes with every single aspect of my life.

But change is inevitable. It comes in different degrees but it is one of life’s permanent universal constant. And the worst impact it can make on mine is to erase the one and only other universal constant I’ve ever known.

It might do just that and the way my guts clench at the thought almost stops me from turning the knob to reality. But, I refuse to do that anymore.

The door creaks as I open it ever so slowly and that’s enough to announce my presence. The only light in the room comes from the lamp beside Jisoo and it dimly illuminates her face just enough for me to see that she’s still awake.

“You’re back,” Jisoo rasps, her voice hoarse, throat dry from crying probably. Certainly. She doesn’t so much as glance at me, though. She lies still on her side, facing away from my side of the bed.

“Yeah, I just— yeah, I am,” is the only reply I can give. My heart is pounding hard in my chest as I sit on the corner of the bed, as far away from her as physically possible.

The tension in the air is so thick I can almost taste it, but no one dares to speak as if we’re both gauging the situation or we just don’t know how to go on from here and address the elephant in the room. And, the unbearable silence stretches into minutes. 

“Can we, um...” Jisoo is the one who breaks it and my nervousness has doubled. My palms are all sweaty and my throat begins to swell up. “Do you mind if we talk about it tomorrow?”

“No, that’s okay,” I manage to croak out. I can wait. I have no choice but to wait because I have no hand on the steering wheel here, no foot on the pedal. I’m merely a passenger with no control and wherever she takes me, that’s for her to decide and for me to accept. “If that’s what you want,” I clear the lump in my throat.

The bottom of my palm presses down the cushion as I help myself on my feet. I start towards the door, a pillow tucked in my arm, then I hear the sheets shift behind me.

“What _I_ want? What about what _you_ want?”

I turn around and Jisoo is looking right at me. It was easy to contain my emotions when I came in; when I was looking anywhere but directly into her dim eyes. But now that I am, it just hits me really hard— how much I love her. She looks so melancholic and grey. I love her too much that I hate how I’m the one to blame for that. She deserves so much better too. Not a best friend who falls in love with her and puts her through this.

“I want what you want,” is what I thought was the right answer but the way anger consumes her eyes and twists her lips makes me think otherwise.

Jisoo scoffs out the frustration clearly painted on her face and I blink in confusion, overwhelmed by the sudden change of mood.

“Do you just do everything I want?” The coldness in her voice brings an icy chill down my spine. She’s mad for whatever reason I can’t grasp. 

“Okay, I just think this is too much for you to take in and you need your space, so if you don’t want to talk about it now, that’s fine by me. I don’t know why you’re mad. I’m giving you what you asked for.”

“That’s exactly the problem!” Jisoo screams and I almost forget my balance when I stumble back. “Stop thinking about me! Fuck! Be selfish for once in your life!”

"Be selfish?" I breathe in sharply. She doesn’t understand, does she? She has put me on such a high pedestal and fails to see what I’ve done.

“Giving you what you want is the least I can do because I just did the most selfish thing,” I hiss through gritted teeth. The pillow in my arm is battered with the way I’m clenching my fist onto it to save what’s left of my cool but it doesn’t work.

“Do you think I told you about how I feel because I was thinking of _you_? That I‘m making you go through whatever you’re feeling right now _for_ _you_? No, this is me being selfish! I did this for _myself_! Look at what I’m putting you through! This wouldn’t have happened if only I let you go on with your life without knowing, but no, I took that away because it’s been two years and God forbid I find another way, _any_ _other_ _way_ , to get over you!”

“But I don’t want my life to go on like that if it meant I’m hurting you! You’ve been harboring so much pain because of me when you— all this time you were helping me nurse mine and I had no idea!” Jisoo is kneeling on the bed now, aggressively shouting at my face. This conversation has just quickly escalated into a screaming match. “Why did it take you so long to tell me?! And don’t say you had no chance because if you really wanted to, you would’ve found one! And I _know_ you damn well know I would never have figured it out myself!”

“Because I was scared out of my mind that it will push you away! Because the pain of loving you is _nothing_ compared to the thought of losing you! So, I’m sorry if I got ahead of myself and thought I could hold it in and move on and I couldn’t tell you sooner! I’m sorry if you’re the one person I can’t afford to lose!”

“Are you fucking stupid?! Give me some damn credit!” Jisoo _yells_ , red in the face, veins popping in her neck, and I stagger back at how _furious_ she is. “You suffered and dealt with this all on your own while you showed me nothing but care and love I don’t think is even warranted after what _I_ put you through because you were scared of losing me?! _Me?_ Fuck, Lisa, what makes you think you’re ever gonna lose me?!”

Then, my mind goes completely blank. The screaming stops and we’re both just heaving for breath. Jisoo sinks into her seat, still holding my gaze.

“W-what makes me—” I stutter like a fool. “But, earlier, when I— you—”

“You didn’t see what I saw,” Jisoo mutters. Oh, she knows what I’m talking about. “You looked so broken and contrite... It was soul-wrenching, tear-my-heart-out aching to see _my_ person like that because of me. I’ve hurt you so much and yet you, despite that, you wanted to comfort me, thinking about me, stroking my tears away... And I don’t deserve such treatment from you, _especially_ from you, so my body just reacted and backed away. But, all that did was hurt you again. I thought _I've_ pushed _you_ away for good.”

"Me?" I mutter, completely dumbfounded.

“When you asked if I’m not comfortable with us anymore, I thought that was just you being... _you_ ,” Jisoo says, tears brimming in her eyes. “Thinking only of what I want when I should be the one asking you that. Because if being close to me makes it harder, I will leave you alone. If that’s what _you_ want, I will.”

“No, that's not," I say strongly, shaking my head. "That's the last thing I want to happen.”

"Yeah?" The bite in her gaze is replaced by a light of relief and a wave of hope washes over me. "Cos I don't want to lose you too.”

Succumbing to hope is never good because you give it the power to break you even more. I know that, and yet, here I am letting myself yield to it.

I wonder if I was just overthinking things, but no, I think it’s valid. Fear is always valid. But there’s nothing I should’ve been afraid of... because it’s Jisoo. If anything, fear just blinded me from seeing that I truly matter to her just as much as she matters to me.

I try not to be a pessimistic person most of the time, so I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this or if I’ve ever felt like this. When you expect the worst, hammer it in your mind and body, but end up with even just a slightly better result, it’s like a drug that surges through your veins and brings indescribable euphoria.

And I feel like I just had the fanciest drug. Maybe there’s a smile on my face right now, I don’t know. I must be going crazy.

“What's wrong with you?” A bewildered Jisoo throws a pillow but misses the mark which I believe is me and plops on the floor instead. My brows furrow in puzzlement. “Why were you laughing?”

“Oh? Was I? I didn’t— Sorry.” I pick the pillow up and fluff it. “I’m just... happy,” I say as my gaze finds its way back to her, and a soft smile curls her lips.

“Here, catch,” I toss the pillow back to her with much less force and she catches it. “You know you have got to stop throwing stuff at people.”

“Nope, I don’t,” Jisoo just brushes me off. That’s actually how this conversation always ends and I’m left with my head shaking in disapproval.

Jisoo moves to the edge of the bed, her short legs barely touching the floor, and taps the space beside her. “Come here,” she beckons.

She rests her head on my shoulder the moment I sit beside her like it’s a knee-jerk reaction. She always does this but never has it given this much comfort, so I let myself relish in it. Until, a weary sigh escapes her.

“Hey," I say softly. "What are you thinking?”

“Are you really gonna be okay?” Jisoo asks after a few moments, her tone wrapped in worry and concern.

This is as good as it can get. I finally got the closure I needed and I still have my best friend. I can’t ask for more. “I’ll be,” I confidently answer without any lingering doubt.

“I’m sorry,” she sighs again and the weight of it crushes into me, too. I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like if I’m the one who broke her heart. None of this is easy for both parties.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault I— you know, that I’m so lame,” I chuckle. I know the guilt she’s feeling won’t be that easy to sweep under a rug. The only way I can help her is if I finally get over her and I will. We’ll just have to wait for both of us. “I’m just one of those stereotypical lesbians who fall in love with their straight best friend.”

“Yeah but,” Jisoo pulls away and I arch a quizzical brow at the smug smirk glued on her face. “Who can blame you? I’m hot.”

“Yup, that’s your only redeeming quality, actually,” I deadpan and Jisoo looks genuinely offended.

Jisoo slaps my arm. “Take that back right now!”

I snort and fall on the bed, laughing. This is good. Some might find it insensitive to joke about it this early but I prefer this. Just get it out there and laugh about it until the time comes that it’s nothing but just that— just a distant memory to laugh at.

Jisoo is smiling tenderly when she turns and faces me. Seeing me like this must be a relief for her. It’s all too good to be true actually and that kind of scares me, to be honest.

“You think things will change?” I wonder, closing my eyes. “I mean, between us?”

“Literally just minutes ago, I was thinking you won’t be a part of my life anymore, so I don’t think whatever change happens will be as drastic as that,” muses Jisoo as she falls on her back beside me. “I hope.”

Hope is a dangerous thing to have, but that isn’t always so as long as it’s grounded. And after everything that has happened tonight and how things worked out wonderfully, having hope doesn’t sound half bad.

I hear myself inarticulately mumble something like 'I hope so too' before I completely submit to probably the most tranquil sleep I’ll ever have after so long.


	8. Chapter 8

_**JISOO'S POV** _

_1 new message_

_Nallalisa_

_Hey, slr, I forgot to tell you I’ll be coming home late. We’re nowhere near done :/_

_‘Oh, that’s fine. Just hang in there_ , _yeah? :(_ ’ is what I reply with as much sympathy a text can offer. I texted Lisa three hours ago to ask if she’d be home for dinner, but she just had the time to respond now. She’s obviously busy and I expected that.

Lisa has been out of the apartment more than she’s been in it for the past two months. The production leg of the biggest movie they have taken under their wing yet has officially begun and most weeks of those two months, she spent someplace else, filming and filming and _more_ filming.

Even when she’s just in their company’s studio, it’s no better. She _often_ comes home so late I’m already asleep, then goes to work again even before I wake up.

It’s insane. I don’t know how she handles it. There are no fucks given to weekday and weekend distinctions in her line of work, so she hardly gets days off and when she does, she uses them to sleep in and recharge.

_1 new message_

_Nallalisa_

_I’ll try my best not to hang myself, but no promises!_

A soft chuckle is my prompt response, but a deep sigh quickly finds its way through my throat and a sullen smile sweeps my lips. _This is pathetic_ , I think as my head blindly falls to the back of the couch. The ceiling catches my gaze, motionless yet distracted.

I miss her. I really miss her. And it’s not helping whenever she’s being a goofball.

But this is good for her, I guess.

Lisa never asked for space, but it presented itself to her nonetheless. The moment she knew she was going to be busy as hell, she actually reassured me that she won’t be around much because of work; that it won’t be on purpose and it has nothing to do with _us_. It’s funny how she called me out before I had the chance to overthink things.

Not that she would’ve given me a chance to, because she’d always find time to respond to my messages or call me during her breaks or come home in the few times I can count in one hand to join me for dinner. She’s insanely busy, but she goes out of her way to spend her precious free time (or lack thereof) with me.

But be that as it may, there’s still a huge chunk of her time _not_ spent around me and I think that’s good for her because, I don’t know, she’s moving on? Or maybe she’s already moved on. Closure was what was holding her back and she finally received that.

I mean it’s Lisa. If all we have as a basis is how fast she got over her previous relationships like she’s just recovering from a paper cut, she probably already did.

I don’t know. I literally have no clue where she’s at right now. It doesn’t come up when we talk. I guess we just have more important things to talk about in the few chances we’ve spoken to each other, like how our day went (or week, depending on how long it’s been since the last time we spoke) and who we wanted to kill that particular day and seriously considered worthy to go to jail for (that mostly just involves Lisa and someone in their production team who got under her skin.)

Anyway.

I have no idea. And I can’t bring myself to ask her.

And I gave up trying to read her. She’s impossible. Lisa who had platonic love, Lisa who had romantic love, and Lisa after she confessed treat me all the same. When we said nothing will change, she took it to heart. If I couldn’t read her then, what makes you think I can do it now?

The only way I’ll know for sure that she’s over me is if it comes directly from her— like when she said she is in love with me.

Or was. Is, was, whatever, but at one point or many points in her life, Lisa was in love with me. And god, the thought of that still hits _hard_ like I just stumbled upon the news yesterday, like it’s a fresh discovery.

At random times, like right now, it springs to mind that she confessed and it still catches me off guard and a part of me still has a difficult time processing that it happened. It feels like one crazy, hazy fever dream because it resulted in no drastic repercussions to remind me by. It made no difference. At all.

Okay, no, that last bit isn’t entirely true.

I mean Lisa is still the same, quirks and all, but in a way, she isn’t. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like although nothing changed with the way things are between us, it’s still different because I’ve become aware of something I wasn’t before and it’s like I’m seeing her in a new light.

Before, Lisa was just my best friend. Now, she is _Lisa_ , my best friend who’s _in love_ with me. Just one detail different, but so big that when it hits me, it’s like an arrow piercing through my stomach and slashing a way for butterflies to infiltrate. And how their wings flutter wild and frenzied is how my heart behaves exactly.

I know how that may sound to you, but I don’t like her like _that_. I just... you know, after what happened to me and my ex-fiancé, she’s like a breath of fresh air; a reminder that someone is capable of loving me up to that degree.

Set aside the immense guilt, it just feels good to know that someone like her— the most beautiful girl inside and out I’ve ever known— would feel that deeply about me. That in and of itself is just very, _very_ flattering.

So, I always try not to think about it because that’s pretty shitty of me, isn’t it? I shouldn’t revel in something that made her suffer. It’s sick. 

_2 new messages_

_Nallalisa_

_Sorry, I couldn’t join you for dinner again. I’ll make it up to you._

_I gtg. I miss you, btw._

But when a person like _this—_ always sweet and always thoughtful amongst many other too good to be true qualities she constantly is— could hold so much love for you, wouldn’t you feel the same?

//

_1 new message_

_Nallalisa_

_Hey..._

“Ms. Kim, is everything okay?”

“Sorry, I have to go to the restroom,” I excuse myself immediately, grabbing my phone. My client looks surprised, but he nods.

When Lisa texts me that hey followed by those three ominous dots, it doesn’t matter what I’m in the middle of, I drop _whatever_ it is I’m doing... even if I’m in an important meeting.

_‘Hey, you... are you okay?’_ I asked just for the sake of asking because I already know she isn’t.

It’s been a week since Lisa last came home. They’re in the third month and nearing the end of filming, so everything has been extra hectic for her lately. I can only imagine the hellhole she’s dwelling in right now.

_No :/ my stress level is at its peak and my boss is being an absolute bitch I'm literally going insane :/_

Called it.

This isn’t the first time that my best friend is on the verge of a stress-induced mental breakdown, so I’ve also figured out what to do to help cheer her up.

_Oh no, that bad??? :/_

_Wait, are u coming home today?_

_Yeah, but rly late as usual. why?_

_Okay, just come home._

_I’m cooking ur fave Thai food._

_For real?!!?!_

_Omg! I love you!!!_

I giggle a little. She’s so easy, sometimes.

Lisa is always hungry when she comes home no matter how late it is or how exhausted she is. Without fail, she always grabs a bite before hitting the sack. I mean I’m asleep so I never see her eat, but I eventually figured it out when there were mornings when I noticed that the leftovers from the night before are gone. Or an empty cup of ramen is recently added to the trash.

Since then, I took the initiative to always order or cook for two when I know she’s coming home and leave her share on the table. It’s kinda like leaving cookies and a glass of milk for Santa on Christmas Eve, except this Santa doesn’t bring gifts, she just _eats_.

I chuckle at that thought as I unpack the last of the groceries I just went out to buy. My palm lands hard in the middle of my forehead and I won’t be surprised if it leaves a mark when I notice I missed an ingredient.

See, when Lisa is having an extremely shittier than normal shit day, I don’t order take out, I cook one of her favorite food. Today’s one of those days. And the last thing I want to do is disappoint her on top of her having a tough day, so that’s exactly why I couldn’t _not_ cook it even when I was in no mood to go out again... to buy _salt_. Of all things I could forget.

So, to the supermarket, I go, annoyed, and I get home, still very much so. I roughly throw the pack of salt on the table and glare at it like it’s to blame that I had to walk another half kilometer. 

“Out of all the things I could’ve for—“

The rest of my rant dies in my throat as my head jerks to the closed door of the bathroom.

Lisa always texts me if there’s a change of plans. And I didn’t receive any message that she’d be home earlier than she said. So, whoever it is that dropped something in there, I don’t think is her.

The main door was unlocked when I got home, but I was still caught up with having to go out again to actually care. And I only come to my senses that that should’ve been the least of my worries.

“Hello?” I knock, but no one answers. I press my ear against the door and I swear to God I hear movement as faint as it may be. “Who’s there?” My voice shakes entirely but again, no answer.

I’m starting to break into a cold sweat, my heart racing in my chest. I’m alone. And scared. And projected straight into a panic.

I wrap my hand on the knob and turn it, as slowly and as silently as possible. The rational part of my mind ordering me to stop and just call for help or at least grab something I can use to protect myself is easily overshadowed by the mixture of intense panic and fright that spawns a stupidity that pushes me to open the door.

I’m not thinking straight and my brain is so close to having a seizure. 

Then, it pretty much does.

And, my heart still races… but for an entirely different reason.

A quarter of a second isn’t long in most context, but in some, it is. A quarter of a second is long enough to take the first place in a race from the rest. A quarter of a second is long enough to be all the extra time you need to successfully defuse a bomb before it blows.

And a quarter of a second is more than long enough for your rational mind to yield… and witness someone completely bare and naked right in front of your eyes.

Lisa doesn’t know I’m here, because her reflection in the mirror shows that her eyes are closed and airpods are tucked in her ears which explains why she couldn’t hear me. She doesn’t know, so I can just close the door and go and pretend this never happened, and yet I find myself doing exactly the opposite of that.

I want to say this isn’t a big deal since I’ve seen her naked before, but Lisa changing her clothes in front of me never had any effect on me. I mean I notice how incredibly sexy she is, but I never linger on it. I just notice. Any sane person would.

But her body dancing and swaying in ways to match what I can assume is a slow, sensual melody playing in her ears takes the ‘sexy’ on a whole other level. A level where I stay and I stare and I stand still like Medusa has just caught my eyes and stoned me in place, stunned and defenseless.

She’s lost in the rhythm and I’m lost with the way she... _just_ _is_ right now. The entirety of her at this moment— the way the line of her neck looks impossibly long and swan-like with her head tilted up; the way her collarbone protrudes even more above her chest as her fingers run through her hair; the way her hips slowly and calculatedly move side to side, and side to side, and side to side...

Like a swinging watch that renders me into a trance-like state, hypnotized and transfixed and powerless over my own body. 

When it stops, I feel faint... Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen for holding my breath in for too long or maybe it’s my heart pumping way too much blood way too fast in my veins or maybe it’s the scorching heat blazing in every part of my body or maybe—

“Maybe after you’re done staring at my bum, you can tell me _why the hell_ you are _staring at my bum_.”

I jump in place as my head jerks up. Lisa is looking at me through the mirror. Her eyes aren’t closed anymore. They’re watching _me_ watching her. And though I didn’t think it was possible, I know I’m blushing even more than I was a second before.

How she doesn’t scramble to cover herself up tells how confident and comfortable she is in this _very_ naked situation and I wish I can even be just half of that. But she wasn’t the one caught ogling like a creep, _I_ was.

“I just—” I squeak a sound I didn’t know I was capable of. And I don’t miss the slightly amused smirk that surfaces on Lisa’s face at that before it’s gone.

“Relax, I’m kidding,” Lisa laughs, flapping a dismissive hand. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I’m hot, I’d stare at myself too.”

I’m relieved she said that because I'm at a loss for why I did what I did and why I feel the way I feel, but that one’s plausible and acceptable, so I’ll take it.

It doesn’t make me feel any less embarrassed, though.

Lisa grabs her towel and wraps it around herself and I feel my throat loosen. But when she turns to look me directly in the eyes and throws a playful wink my way, it tightens again. Good lord, I _have_ to get out of here.

“Well? Do you have to pee or something? Cos I still need to take a shower.”

“Oh, um, no,” I swallow thickly and my palm is clammy around the knob. “I heard something from here and I tried to knock but you didn’t answer. I thought you were a burglar or something, so I took a peek to check. But you’re clearly not, so, um— bye.”

I quickly close the door I shouldn’t have opened it in the first place. “ _Bye?_ Did I really just say _bye_?” I cringe and pull a clump of my hair as I make a beeline to the refrigerator to get me a glass of really cold, much-needed water. 

//

“Hey, I have a question.”

A fully clothed Lisa emerges from the bathroom minutes later and crosses her arms, leaning on the door frame. She looks sickeningly patronizing, so I brace myself for what’s to come.

“If I was a burglar, what made you think it was a good idea to take a peek?”

“Shut up, I know it wasn’t. I just panicked.” I stop stir-frying just to give her a dismissive blink. “And how many times do I have to tell you to lock doors? What happened would’ve been _literally_ prevented by doing that.”

“Then, you wouldn’t have had the chance to watch me dance naked.”

Lisa bites her lower lip, her eyes smoldering, and my jaw just... _falls_. If it wasn’t locked to my head, the floor would’ve caught it by now. 

“You know... people get paid to do that and they’re not nearly half as sexy as I am and you got it for free. Plus… I could tell you enjoyed it.”

The slight smirk she had earlier returns, except this time it’s bigger and bolder and, apparently, staying. She’s brazenly teasing me and I hate how it almost chips away from the calm I’ve struggled to gather by distracting myself with cooking.

“Are you seriously trying to seduce me right now?”

“Hmm,” Lisa responds, her smirk still unfaltering. “If it’s working, then I am.”

“Aw, honey.” I pout exaggeratedly, shaking my head.

Lisa snorts, then breaks out of character, holding both her arms up in the air like in surrender. “I give up. If seeing me sexy dancing in the nudedid not wake up the gay or _the lack thereof_ in you, then nothing ever will,” she says with a laugh as she walks towards me.

“Whatever,” I chuckle, turning my focus back to what I’m cooking before it burns. “Why didn’t you message me that you were coming home early by the way?”

“I wanted to surprise you, and I guess I did, in a way I didn’t intend to.” I shoot her a side-eye and she smiles goofily. “Sorry, I’ll drop it. Anyway, I still have to go back to the studio tonight.”

“Oh? Still not done?”

“Yeah, there were some technical issues and it will take hours to fix. But we’re on a tight schedule, so we can’t reschedule anymore,” Lisa ends with a helpless quirk on the side of her lips and shrugs. “I had time to kill, so I decided to go home and have dinner with you.”

Lisa stands behind me and wraps her arms around my waist and I inhale sharply. It’s nothing new, nothing fresh, same old shit we both do, and yet feeling her body— which I’ve just seen naked as a jaybird a while ago and the image still painstakingly fresh in my head— pressed against mine makes me feel a little... bothered.

“So, how did your meeting go?” Lisa asks before I could dive into those feelings.

“It was a nightmare,” I scoff, suddenly annoyed. “He won’t listen to me. I’ve designed book covers for unknown authors who couldn’t put their faces on the map no matter how good they are... and their sales improved. What more does he need?”

No matter how many times you tell people not to judge a book by its cover, they still do. It’s impossible not to when there are hundreds and hundreds of books lying around. No one has the time to read all the summaries. Of course, they pick something by a known author or a known publisher or just the interesting looking one.

_I_ make them look interesting. And, I'm _damn good_ at my job.

“That sucks. I’m sorry.” Lisa tuts her tongue. “He’ll see the light, though. You’ve always been great at what you do.”

Lisa has always believed in me even back when it was just a mere dream and there still wasn’t results to base it on. And that just makes it more aggravating how other people still fail to see it even now that I have _actual_ results to show.

“Oh c’mon, cheer up,” Lisa says softly.

“I don’t know, it’s just kinda disheartening.”

My shoulder drops and I puff in disappointment.

“Okay, that won’t do. I know just what you need,” Lisa says and before I could ask what, I’m already off the floor.

I yelp in surprise when she hoists me over her shoulder in one swift move, carrying me like a sack of potatoes, and whirls me around like I weigh nothing.

“Lisa! Put me down! Oh my god!”

“Nope! Not until you say you’re okay!”

“Are you for real?! I’m not a kid!” I protest, but it’s hard to make myself believable when I’ve become a giggling mess. “Fine! _Fine_! I’m okay!”

“Not a kid, my ass. You love it when I do that,” Lisa snickers as she releases me from her swing ride. She points at my lips. “See? You’re smiling.”

I playfully clock her shoulder in response and she recoils exaggeratedly. “Ouch? That’s what I get for making you feel better?”

“Yes, you goof,” I roll my eyes fondly. “Cos I’m cooking your favorite food for no reason _at all._ ”

Lisa's expression suddenly turns earnest, smiling softly, and I just melt with the way her gaze lavishes me with doting affection. It’s just... _wow_. How can someone look at you like your eyes hold all the stars in the sky?

Lisa tends to look at the people she cares about like that— like her loving nature just spills and sparkles through her doe, gorgeous eyes. (I wish I could tell you I’m exaggerating, but trust me, that’s one of the reasons why a _lot_ of women fall for her charms. She’s a natural flirt through and through, unintentionally or not. It should be illegal.)

So, yes, I’ve noticed it before, but it’s just that I haven’t thought much about it, because I know it _isn’t_ reserved exclusively for me. It was not a big deal because it was nothing really special.

But now, I can’t be at the receiving end of it without thinking it does or did mean _something_ and it throws me off. No, not particularly in a bad way, because it doesn’t make me uncomfortable or anything like that, but like I’ve said... it’s just... _different_.

I don’t know how else to put it.

“You know... I joke about it sometimes, but there are really just times when I genuinely feel like collapsing in the middle of the set... You don’t know how much I appreciate it when you try to give me something to look forward to. I’m really thankful.”

Lisa gently pulls me into an embrace and buries her face on my shoulder. She doesn’t say anything and just stays there. “I _love_ the food you cook, but still nothing can ever come close to the comfort this brings,” she sighs after a moment. “I missed you.”

Before she confessed, she could say stuff like that a million times, and I just know butterflies won’t be behaving _unruly_ in my stomach in any one of those. It’s been bizarre how I’ve been reacting to her lately. But, _god,_ I missed her too. And I’d rather indulge myself in the comfort her hug provides me too than mull over something as ‘trivial’ like that.

Lisa pulls back, smiling. “Filming will be over next week. Do you wanna go out on a date after?”

Did- _Huh_? Did she say _date_?

“Are you asking me out?” I ask, dumbfounded, and Lisa looks utterly confused for a second before realization registers on her face. 

“No! Oh my god!" She profusely shakes her head as a blush spreads like wildfire on her cheeks. "I didn’t mean like a date _date_! I meant like a friendly date! Like, have a good time! I’ll invite Rosie too!”

“Oh—“ Jesus, that comes out like an elephant has crushed my windpipe. I cough it out. “Right. Yeah, sure, that sounds nice.”

“Okay... okay,” Lisa breathes in and exhales. “Sorry, that completely flew over my head. I never like... thought of ever asking you out, so that sounded way different in my mind,” she explains, scratching the back of her head awkwardly.

“Never?” I ask out of curiosity, tilting my head to the side.

“Duh,” Lisa chuckles incredulously. “Cos then, you’re gonna have to reject me... and that’d be _so_ uncomfortable for you... and _me_ that I’d want to kill myself so nope _,_ never _._ ”

Okay, that makes sense. It does and that should've been enough explanation. “What makes you so sure I’d reject you, tho?” But at this point, my tongue just lolls out the words on its own.

Lisa snorts a laugh, but when I don’t laugh with her and she realizes that I’m asking for real, it dies down. “Oh, you’re serious?” She asks and I nod. Her face contorts in disbelief. “ _Please_ , I’d have more chance of making a three-point shot than scoring a date with your straight ass. And I _suck_ at basketball.”

_Right. Of course,_ she’s right cos although I haven’t really thought it through (because why should I? The answer should be obvious), I just knew that if she’s ever gonna ask me out, I’d say no. I’ve always been certain about that and Lisa sounded so sure, too.

But, the truth is I had to ask Lisa cos I needed to hear it from her, because when I mistook her for asking me out on a date just a minute ago, well, I wasn’t thinking of saying yes…

…but I wasn’t thinking of saying no, either. But I don’t suppose that means anything, right? That doesn’t mean I was considering it, right? I’m sure I would’ve said no if she didn’t take it back... _Right?_

“Hey, did you hear that?”

“Hmm?” is my zoned out response before I get a proper hold of myself. “I’m sorry, what? Hear what?”

“Scratching at the door,” Lisa answers, walking towards it. With a hand on the knob, she feigns sudden horror. “Oh my god, maybe it’s a burglar.”

That draws out a genuine belly laugh from me. She’s so annoying. “You’re never gonna let me live this one out, are you?”

“Nope, not in the next few months,” she grins impishly, then opens the door, and unless burglars meow, I don’t think it’s one. Lisa squeals excitedly, “Why, if it isn’t the best pet on earth!”

“Hey! Excuse you, that’s not Dalgom!”

“Dalgom doesn’t even crack the top ten... _and_ I only know five pets,” Lisa refutes, sticking her tongue out. “Why does he hate me so much? And to think I got him as a gift for you… There were so many other cute puppies. Why did you have to like _him_?”

“Cos he hates you,” I bite back and Lisa gives me the stink eye. It’s actually because of how his rose gold ears perked up when he saw me. It’s just so funny to me how much he loves me as much as he hates Lisa.

“Where is he, anyway? Still in the dog hotel?” Lisa asks, cradling Yogi in her arms.

“Yeah, I visited him earlier, but had to leave him there again cos I need to go meet another author tomorrow.”

“You heard that, Yogi? The little devil isn’t here which means you can stay in peace,” Lisa baby talks and I’d be lying if I said it isn’t an adorable sight. She used to be so annoyed by Mrs. Choi’s cats straying to our apartment, but she grew fond of them, especially when they fight Dalgomie when he so much as barks at her.

If she wasn’t so busy, I bet my life she would’ve adopted at least ten cats by now.

“You know you still have to return him to Mrs. Choi, right?” I chuckle, setting our plates on the table. “Do you want to do that now or after we eat?”

“After,” Lisa answers as she lets go of Yogi who’s playing with the toy she bought for him. She practically drools when she takes a whiff of the food and quickly grabs her spoon. “ _Definitely_ after we eat.”

//

“Yogi!” Mrs. Choi wastes no time to take the ragdoll from Lisa like she’s gonna get her cat dirty, scowling. “Did the tall girl force you to play with her again?”

I stifle a chuckle. Lisa discreetly nudges my side, but her lips are pursed, suppressing one too. This is exactly why I came with her. Returning this old lady’s cat has always been a treat. Some say that being unnecessarily rude and crazy is mandatory when a person grows old. Mrs. Choi is the living proof of that.

You’d think after so many times of knocking on our door, looking for her cats she still accuses Lisa of stealing, she would at least know Lisa’s name, but no, instead she’s still “tall girl.”

“He came knocking at our door,” Lisa says with a smile.

“I still can’t see why he likes you,” Mrs. Choi easily rolls out another insult and I’m trying so hard not to lose it that I don’t hear what the old lady says next. It’s something like ‘but since you’re here and I have no choice...’ then something else that entirely eluded me.

“I’m sorry I have to go to a filming right now. But this girl can help you instead,” Lisa replies to her, draping an arm around me and rubbing my shoulder.

“What?” I blink in confusion. “Help her what?”

“Pack, silly. Weren’t you listening?” Mrs. Choi might, but I can’t _not_ notice the mischief in her eyes. “Mrs. Choi said she needs help packing her things. You’re not busy, right?”

Oh my god, I want to rip off the innocent smile planted on her face to let the world see the devil himself residing under it.

“Then, what are you waiting for? Stop wasting my time. Come in,” Mrs. Choi _orders_ me before I can even answer… not that I have the heart to decline. She may be a rude old woman, but she’s still an old woman who needs help.

But still!!! It’s only funny when she’s being mean to Lisa! God help me I won’t murder her or myself tonight if she redirects the same energy to me.

“Okay, I have to go. Thanks for dinner.” Lisa kisses my cheek and that’d be sweet and all if only she didn’t do it just so she can discreetly whisper to my ear, “Tell me how _fun_ it is when the mean old lady is mean to _you_.”

“You think this is funny?” Lisa chuckles a ‘payback really is’ as quietly as possible, so I pinch her side and she squeaks to hide the pain. “You best pray hard I am dead after this, or you’ll be.”

Whatever Lisa was supposed to say next, I won’t ever know because Mrs. Choi grabs my arm and drags me inside. The last thing I see is Lisa winking mockingly at me before the door is slammed on her face.

“My things aren’t gonna pack themselves. Stop dillydallying,” Mrs. Choi commands and I sigh inaudibly as she walks past me. This is gonna be a long night.

But a “holy hell” is all I can mumble when I turn around.

When Mrs. Choi told me I’m helping her pack, I thought she meant clothes for a trip or something, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw the stack of boxes and stuff scattered throughout the entire unit. This is definitely gonna be _a long_ night.

“Are you moving out, Mrs. Choi?” I ask, taking the huge pile of books she hands me. She points me to the box where I should put it.

“If that isn’t obvious enough,” the old lady remarks snidely. “But not until the end of the month. I just wanted to get started already. My no-good-grandson was supposed to help me, but he couldn’t make it. Good thing you offered to help.”

Not so much as forced, I think. I mentally pat myself on the back from restraining myself to say ‘it’s no problem’ with any hint of sarcasm. Or so I think because Mrs. Choi looks, well, not _meaner_.

She stares at me, though. No, sizing me up is probably the right term. “You’re really pretty,” she says right at the moment before it gets uncomfortable.

I’m initially shocked. A compliment from Mrs. Choi? I bet you that’s super rare, so I’ll take it. “Uh, thank y—”

“I’d fix you a date with my grandson if you didn’t have a girlfriend,” she cuts me off and I almost drop the books in my hands. She shots me one of her infamous mean looks and my skin quivers a bit. Old people are scary.

“I, um— Lisa isn’t my girlfriend,” I chuckle in what I believe is an awkward breathy manner and she doesn’t so much as bat an eye. It never mattered to me what people thought about me and Lisa, but her blatant stoicism isn’t what I expected and it flusters me. “I- I see why you think that, though. Believe me, you’re not the first one. We’re just really, uh, close, and she let me stay until I find a place. But, she’s- Lisa- is just my best friend. I don’t like her. I mean not like- She’s not my—“

“Good grief. I hope you can organize books in a box better than you can organize your words,” Mrs. Choi interjects, every word drips with condescension, and I suck my lips in. I will literally pay someone to off me right now. “My grandson’s pretty stupid too. You two will hit it off.”

Or, I can just off myself.

_“_ But I guess you’re not ready to date yet,” she adds as a matter-of-factly and I make the mistake of asking ‘why do you think so?’ I should stop engaging her in a conversation, not prompting it. I haven’t been here for five minutes and I’m already drained.

“Cos you would’ve already moved out if you are,” she answers and my visible confusion draws an exasperated sigh from her. “It’s one thing that your best friend’s in love with you— Oh, _please_ , close your mouth. Yes, I know. She told me.”

I do as she says, and chuckle faintly in befuddlement. I wish I wasn’t too bewildered with what the old lady said so I can be duly amazed by her collection because it’s like finding a treasure chest of books, one of them which I’ve designed. In any other circumstances, that would’ve excited me, but not in this one.

“I’m just... surprised. I have a lot of questions I don’t know where to start. Lisa never told me she told you.”

“That’s probably because tall girl doesn’t remember,” Mrs. Choi responds quite certainly. “The first week she moved in, I was introduced to this singer because she blasted her album on repeat day in and day out until my ears bled. So, I knocked on her door to tell her to keep it down, but she was so drunk and ended up telling me everything— you, your moving in with your fiancé... _everything_. The next couple of _days_ , she still played the same damn album, so my best bet is she doesn’t remember or just didn’t care. And I let her be cos I’d rather listen to that lady singer than your best friend wailing again.”

My mood plummets and my heart feels heavy all of a sudden. “Lisa’s too nice not to care so you can cross that one out,” I smile half-heartedly and Mrs. Choi hums, going back to wrapping her figurines with newspapers.

“You know, that night, there was a darkness in her eyes that’s so deep and empty, it’s like looking straight into the edge of the universe,” she says after a moment, catching my gaze. “I haven’t seen that again since you came. She looks... alive now. So, don’t beat yourself up too much.”

Oh, will you look at that? The mean old lady is trying to console me. I guess there’s still some good left in her.

“Seems that confrontation you two had had really given her the closure she needed,” Mrs. Choi throws in so casually and I snap my head towards her, wide-eyed. She sighs, shaking her head. “Why are you so shocked? It’s like you wanted to be heard when our units are beside each other and both of you were shouting your lungs out in the dead silence of the night.”

“W-wait a sec… if you knew that, why did you say I have a girlfriend?”

“To see how you’ll react. I don’t get much fun these days. Your turning into a bumbling baboon was very entertaining.” God, when I’ve just thought she isn’t that all bad, she proves me wrong.

“So you know I'm single... What makes you think I’m still not ready to date again then?” I ask just to satisfy my curiosity because best believe I somehow took an interest in Mrs. Choi's opinions. Call it what it is... Stockholm Syndrome.

“Cos if _you_ are, you would’ve already moved out. It’s one thing that your best friend’s in love with you, that’s fine... but it’s a whole other thing to be living and sleeping on the same bed with her while you date someone else. That’s just... weird.”

“Oh.” I smack my lips together.

“And you should go find a place already because Lisa isn’t going to be in love with you forever.”

“I- _What?_ ”

Funny how I would’ve never guessed in a million years that Mrs. Choi would say Lisa’s name for the first time to tell me _that_. And I’d rather think of how staggeringly unexpected that is than to ponder over how stupid I am not to have thought about what she says next—

“She might be ready to test the waters again before you are and well... bringing a girl home would be extremely hard if you’re still staying with her, don’t you think?”

—and the little, almost unnoticeable stirring discomfort in the center of my gut and the tiniest twinge in my chest at the thought of Lisa dating someone else and bringing that someone else home with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you’re curious, the lady singer Mrs. Choi is talking about is Lorde and Lisa was listening to Melodrama :))))


	9. Chapter 9

_**LISA’S POV** _

“Oh, I didn’t know you were up,” I say or something that sounds like that because my mouth is actually full and I’m also a little drunk from the small party we’ve had with the production team after we’ve called it a wrap.

I look at the clock on the wall that says it’s two in the morning, then back to the woman who just walked out of our room, tilting her head towards my voice.

Besides her disheveled hair from sleep, nothing else with the way Jisoo looks is normal. Drops of sweat trickle along her forehead, a full-blown scarlet color graces her cheeks and ears, her lips are dry and chapped, and the rise and fall of her chest are too irregular.

She looks too uncomfortable for comfort... and well, I panic.

“Jisoo, are you sick? Do you—“

“Stay!”

I choke on my food, my ass sticking back on the chair at her command like magnet to metal, seriously taken aback (and also a little scared). I blink once.

Did she seriously just order me to _stay_? _Stay_???

“Oh, _please_ , I’m not taking your food away,” Jisoo huffs and rolls her eyes, before entering the restroom.

I was confused by what she meant by that until I realize that I have wrapped a protective arm around my plate. She got me acting like a damn dog.

“I thought you were gonna take away my good treat for being a bad girl!” I puff.

And despite herself, I hear chuckles behind the shut door, which is a relief because I knew then that we are okay. But, I still have no clue what that was all about. I think of anything I've done to warrant her outburst, but come up with nothing.

“So, what was your problem?” I ask when I hear the light switch off along with the gentle opening and closing of the bathroom door minutes later.

“Sorry, I just didn’t expect you to be home,” Jisoo vaguely answers. And my body twists just so I can look at her and shoot her a disbelieving stare.

“ _Really_? That’s the best you’ve got?”

Jisoo grimaces. “Shut up. I just wasn’t prepared for you to see me like _that_.”

“ _That_ ,” I mimic her. Speaking of, she actually looks way better now, so that tugs my curiosity even more. “Okay, butwhat was that all about? I thought you had a fever, you looked _literally_ hot.”

“It’s nothing. Just a bad dream.” Jisoo tries to flip it off, but the blush rising from her neck isn’t as nonchalant as her shrug.

“Dream? What dream? How bad—?”

And then, I gasp. I guess something in the way my face lights up tells Jisoo that I figured it out because she raises a threatening finger. “Don't. Just don't.”

We both know that won’t stop me, though.

“Oh, it was _bad_ , alright, you dirty girl!” I wiggle my brows and she scoffs in annoyance. “Just how wild was it to have you looking like _that_ as aftermath?”

“Drop it. What are you? A child?” She’s acting all calm and collected, but bad for her (and good for me) that how her neck all the way up her entire face is all kinds of flushed tells that she’s everything _but_ that. She’s embarrassed and well, can you blame me that I’m enjoying every bit of it?

“Yes, yes,” I chirp, pulling myself up and kneeling on the chair both hands curled onto the backrest, like a giddy kid, and I bounce. “Tell me who it was! Tell me! Tell me! Was he good? Do I know him? He must be—“

“I said drop it, Lisa,” Jisoo says way too sternly, almost menacing that I nearly curl up on myself.

“Geez, I was just playing,” I fix myself into sitting properly again, my back facing her. “Someone needs to get laid so bad,” I whisper under my breath.

“I heard that.”

“Good, cos maybe it’s the dry spell that’s causing that sour mood of yours. You should do something about it.”

“Okay, I will. Get laid,” Jisoo accentuates the words, stepping into my line of vision like she’s challenging me or something and I curl my brows in confusion.

“Okay? What point are you trying to make? That’s literally what I’m suggesting.”

Jisoo just stares back like she wants to say something, but she sucks her lips in instead and sighs. She shakes her head dismissively. “Whatever, I’m going back to sleep.”

“Seriously?” My spoon and fork clang on the plate when I drop my hands in exasperation as I watch her turn her back on me and disappear into the bedroom. “God, what is going on with her?”

Jisoo has been acting weird lately. I chose not to confront her about it, but yeah, of course, I noticed.

I had no great expectations for my internship because I’ve already expected that I’ll probably just fetch coffee or be ordered around by people I couldn’t care less about, which turned out to be true. But while it is true, while I memorized how much sugar they want in their coffee and where stuff is found without them telling me anymore, I also discovered a knack for something I never thought I had.

I was placed under a “scripty” or a script supervisor. She was a total angel, and while I didn’t have much to compare, I know that she’s good. She could see how the movie is playing out in her head just by reading the script and can spot even the tiniest continuity problems so easily.

And when I was assisting her during all the production stages, she tried to get me involved as much as possible. She would ask me if I could see a problem in a certain sequence and she would be pleasantly surprised when I tell her what exactly was on her mind.

One day, she smiled at me so big, and said, “I think great attention to detail can’t be learned. Honed yes, but learned, no. A person is born with it. And you have it.” And because I was having so much fun, I accepted when she offered to train me.

And now, I have the same job as her. And if my skills were still raw then, they are sharpened now. Attention to detail is like an extra limb that grew on my body, an extension of myself, and I just can’t cut it off. There’s no on and off switch. It’s an occupational hazard.

So, when things sort of shifted since the night Jisoo helped Ms. Choi pack, of course, I noticed.

How she’d still be awake even if I come home super late when normally she'd be in bed by then; how she tries to subtly avoid eye contact alarmingly often; how the apartment has been always exceptionally spotless since; how her body would tense up for a split second before she relaxes to my touch.

So, I asked her, but I figured she’s lying. Her reasons just don’t add up. I doubt the apartment is spotless because she just felt like cleaning. I think it’s because she’s in dire need to do something to keep her mind off of things. If she had so much free time to clean, she could’ve just been doing her work, then she won’t have to stay awake late at night, but my guess is she’s just been too distracted.

She’s hiding something and she tries to hide the fact that she is. So, she’s become tense... which I think should explain what just happened and how she reacts to my touch and how she starts doing things just so she won’t have to look me in the eyes when we speak.

But as I said, I chose not to confront her about it because I know she’ll come to me if she wants me to know or when she’s ready to let me know.

I’ll just have to wait.

//

Jisoo has been smacking her head with a book, then pausing for a few seconds to sigh or grunt, then starts hitting herself again. I don’t know how long she’s been at it before I entered our bedroom, but I had been standing by the door for like a whole minute and she still hasn’t stopped.

See? Weird. But whatever’s going on with her, I really, _really_ don’t want to add up to her problems anymore.

“I’m not much into books, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how you read one,” I chuckle softly, making my presence known.

Jisoo sheepishly puts the book down on her tummy and crosses her arms above her chest. “I just wanted to check if it’s a good hardbound,” she pouts, rolling her eyes. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to wonder how the hell your head hasn’t started bleeding yet.” I snort a laugh. Jisoo chucks the book my way and I catch it, genuinely laughing now. “Is throwing things like your love language?”

Jisoo sends me a heatless glare. “I honestly only have hatred for you at this moment.”

“Aw, that stings,” I coo, contrary to the soft smile that curves my lips and though Jisoo tries to fight it, she smiles too. This stupid banter is actually us making peace with each other. “I kinda need someone to help zip me down tho. Can you postpone hating me for like 10 seconds?”

Jisoo nips on her lip and hesitates. Something flashes in her eyes that I can’t figure out what because she shifts her gaze elsewhere. Again, she’s acting very, _very_ weird. All I’m asking from her is to zip me down like—

“Fine, come here,” Jisoo says finally after a moment, beckoning me over, so I go and stand by the side of the bed, turning to my back, as she kneels on the edge.

I feel her fingers grasp the zipper of my dress, but I wait and I wait, then I wait some more, but Jisoo still doesn’t move an inch. I turn my head sideways to check on her and I’m suddenly aware of how close she is to me. She’s too close, way too close.

“We’re _way_ past 10 seconds. In case you forgot how, you have to pull it down,” I breathe out.

“Sorry, you just smell too good,” Jisoo whispers, her voice surprisingly raw and low. Her mouth is barely just an inch away from my sensitive ear that I feel the heat of her breath on my skin. My head snaps forward so fast it’s a surprise it’s still attached to my neck as I suppress the urge to shiver. _What the hell?_

The bend of her finger lightly brushes the path of skin being exposed as she pulls my zipper down achingly slowly, seductively, and I fail to suppress the urge to shiver altogether. I feel like this somehow turned out to be way too intimate than it probably should be, even for _us_. And, my heart starts to hammer absurdly fast.

_No. No, no, no. Get a fucking grip._

My body listens to my brain and I step away, swallowing my saliva to wet my dry throat. I slip out of my dress and regret doing it as soon as I did because I can _feel_ Jisoo watching me with the same burning gaze she had when she watched me dance naked a week ago. Is that what this is all about? Is this her revenge for all the teasing I’ve been doing? Because if it is, the way she’s making me feel is not fucking funny— not when I have alcohol running through my body and it’s harder for me to get a hold of my emotions.

I have to say something, anything.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased you, um, about the dream. That was insensitive of me,” is what comes out of my mouth, but Jisoo just hums dismissively.

And I hate her for it because I _need_ her to talk me to keep my mind off of how her gaze is driving my insides insane right now. I grab the first pajamas I can get my hands on and quickly slip into them. And, it’s only now that I realize how my fingers are shaking _so_ badly because I can’t even button my shirt.

“Shit,” I cuss under my breath when I can’t, for the life of me, get the button through the hole. Somewhere in my plight, Jisoo decides to help me and I don’t even notice that she’s already walked towards me until she grabs my elbow and spins me around gently. Her hands pull mine away and she buttons my shirt herself.

She’s standing so close that I can smell the sweet scent of her lavender shampoo, spurring a whirlwind in my belly. _Step away._ My brain is willing my body to move again; to be _anywhere_ where Jisoo isn’t because how my heart is thundering in my chest in her presence right now isn’t something I want to feel again. Not again.

_Please_. _Please, not again._ My brain tries to reason with every cell of my being, is _begging_ for it to listen, but my body is so disengaged with reason at this point that it deflects every rationale sent its way and it disobediently stays, just because it _wants_ to, and that _want_ topples every reasonable thought.

“I wasn’t really mad because you were teasing me,” Jisoo whispers.

Oh, now she wants to talk about it?

“What?” Honestly, it’s ridiculous how much effort I had to put in my tongue just to get that one word out.

I watch her as she works her way through the buttons from top to bottom. Her finger trails a circle around my navel and I suck in a sharp breath on reflex, drawing my stomach in. She bites the corner of her lip (which is fucking sexy, by the way), closing the last button and raising her gaze to meet mine but I look away, my mind is swirling. _What the fuck does she think she's doing?_

“I was annoyed because you kept saying _he_ ,” – Jisoo whispers through heavy breaths, her hand reaching out for my cheek, caressing it softly – “when it’s a _she_.” She slides her hand to my chin, forcing me to face her, to look her in the eyes. “And, she’s _you_.”

Over the years, I have learned to read Jisoo’s emotions through her eyes— anger, sadness, joy and so many more. Because, for _years and years_ , she’s looked at me with those emotions swimming in her eyes so many times that I’ve become so familiar with all of them.

Pupils dilated with raw and primal desire, hunger, and want, but also glistening with tenderness, affection, and nervous hesitation is a combination I have only seen from other people; have read of in books, screenplays, and scripts, but have never seen on Jisoo.

Well, not until now.

A shuddering breath trembles in my chest, my eyes squeezing shut, as her confession fully sinks in with a confirmation from the emotions burning in her eyes, dancing in both chaos and harmony.

Jisoo was dreaming about _ us._

Her thumb moves to trace the bottom of my lip, her other hand snakes to the back of my neck, then she pulls me in. I feel her hot breath on my lips then she closes the gap. She moans softly at the contact— the sound of it and the slight quivering of her lips on mine lighting the flame I have fought tooth and nail to extinguish.

Jisoo is kissing me. _Jisoo_ is kissing me. Jisoo is _kissing_ me. Jisoo is kissing _me_.

//

_**JISOO’S POV** _

Liking someone, falling in love, and everything else that falls in between those two— those things aren’t foreign to me. I’ve had my crushes, my fair share of boyfriends, and for god’s sake, I had a fiancé. So no, the feeling of developing feelings for a person isn’t a foreign subject to me.

But I’ve recently just discovered that that‘s only patently true if, and only if, the person is a guy.

Which, _obviously_ , Lisa is _not_.

Because if she was a guy and I feel for ‘him’ what I’ve been feeling for her— how she’s been living rent-free in my head, how my body has been reacting to her presence, or lack thereof— I would’ve figured it out a long time ago, that after she confessed or maybe even before, that I had already developed _feelings_. Feelings that I’ve never thought I would ever have for a girl.

And it’s pretty silly to think that my wake-up call was given by practically a nosy, very nosy stranger.

I don’t get jealous easily. There was even a time when an ex asked me if I ever get jealous. Of course I do, it’s a normal human emotion, but I try to be as logical as possible because jealousy is _totally_ _not_ a very nice feeling and it’s something I try my best to avoid.

I don’t like how it feels, because I know _exactly_ how it feels— the prickling in my chest, the swirling spasms in my guts that make me want to hurl. God, I _hate_ it so much. So, the moment that specifically despicable, nasty emotion gradually grew when I was talking to Mrs. Choi, I knew what it was. And, I couldn’t ignore it for long.

I was _never_ the type of best friend who gets jealous of their friend’s partners because I’m confident in my friendship with Lisa, so why I was and _am_ jealous at the thought of her dating someone again is _definitely_ not because of that. I realize it's because _they_ aren’t _me_.

But, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Lisa that. Not after the conversation we’ve had.

I waited for her to come home the next day after I helped Mrs. Choi. She was surprised to see me awake, but I just told her I had to get some work done. I had to think of the most believable lie, because honestly, if there’s one person you shouldn’t lie to, it’s Lisa. She’s become too... perceptive and it’s troublesome, sometimes.

_“Hey, I have a question and I want you to promise to answer me honestly,” I whisper as Lisa lies next to me, spooning herself against me. She quickly finds a comfortable position and I chuckle softly, playing with her hair._

_“Okay, promise,” Lisa purrs like an adorable cat, pressing closer. And I’m telling you the urge to just turn her and kiss her is too strong, but I stop myself, mentally patting myself on the back for being able to do so. “What do you want to know?”_

_“What do you think of starting to date again?”_

_I feel her body jerk slightly, maybe from shock, before she turns around to face me. Okay, definitely from shock, because it‘s painted all over her features._

_“What?” Lisa asks, her brows knitted in the middle._

_“You heard me,” I say quietly, massaging her eyebrows back into place. “And you promised.”_

_Lisa worries her bottom lip, taking a moment to think. This is the first time we’re going to talk about anything relationship related since the night she confessed and I really have no idea what she’s going to say, so every second that passes feels like hours. And it feels like forever has passed before her mouth moves again._

_“You know before when I look at you, my heart rate used to fluctuate like crazy, whether you were cooking, sleeping, or just fucking sitting there,” Lisa chuckles lightly, her hands reaching for my hair, twirling strands with her finger. “It’s nice that I can get to look at you again and do this without worrying that I’d get a heart attack any second. I like this sense of peace a lot. And it’s been a while since my heart has felt it and y’know, I just want to let it have its most deserved rest, for now, so nope, I don’t wanna date yet.”_

_She’s telling me she isn’t in love with me anymore indirectly and the way her lips curve into a beautiful, serene smile full of relief and solace tells me that she’s telling the truth, and yet, I ask her anyway._

_“You’re not in love with me anymore? And you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”_

_I move, squeezing my face in the bend of her neck because I can’t have her looking at my eyes right now. I’m scared she’ll see the complete opposite of better. And I can’t let her see that, not after what she said. Loving me only gave her pain and suffering. I can’t bring that kind of chaos into her life again. I mustn't._

_“No, no, I promise,” Lisa sighs, stroking my back. “I know you still feel guilty even though it wasn’t your fault that I fell in love with you, but I’m not telling you this just to make you feel better. It’s true.” She takes a deep breath and exhales. “I was so in love with you, I thought I’d never get over it, but I’m so relieved I did.”_

I didn’t have the heart to tell Lisa how I feel, because in a way, big or not, I know it’s going to disrupt the peace she’s long longed for and I just... Maybe this is the way the world is restoring its balance. She’s been nothing but selfless, and it’s my turn to pay her back.

But, I’ve been so restless since, and it’s only been a week. I can’t even begin to imagine how Lisa has been able to do this for _so long_. And I know she’s noticed because she asked and I also know she noticed I was lying, but I’m grateful she didn’t push it.

I’m nearly at my wit’s end.

And then, there’s the dream.

Have you all woken up from a dream so vivid it's so hard to believe it wasn't real? Like you know how it was just a dream, but simply knowing it doesn’t help because it felt so real, like you can actually feel it?

I did. My body felt so hot when I woke up that I could’ve caught actual fire and I wouldn’t even have felt that I was burning to crisp. I tried to get myself to calm down, but the vivid images endlessly flashing in my mind over and over made that impossible to happen.

I tried everything to get it off my mind and regain my balance, but when Lisa asked me for help to zip her dress down, I know I’ve become a lost cause and when I saw with my own two eyes the effect that I still have on her— how she shivered at my touch, how the rise and fall of her chest have become irregularly frantic, how her hands shook so badly at my gaze— I’ve lost all sense of control.

And then, I was kissing her.

I _am_ kissing her.

And, it’s like I’m kissing her for the first time in my life and as cliché as it may sound, all I can think of is I wish I could’ve done it sooner because I’ve forgotten how soft her lips are. And God, to be reminded of how they feel on mine draws out a moan from deep inside.

But, Lisa isn’t kissing me back. And the longer she isn’t, the more the fear grows inside me— the fear that I’ve made an irreversible stupid mistake and I’ve just ruined everything.

But when I start to withdraw, Lisa moves to circle her arms around my waist, pulling me back with so much force that my body crashes onto her. She catches me and I surrender completely. My hands clutch hard on her hair as her chilly palm slides under my shirt to the hot skin beneath and tugs me even closer.

A low growl rises to my throat as I eagerly part my lips and meet the tongue that pushes for entrance. Lisa _knows_ what she's doing— the way her mouth moves skillfully with mine, making me go weak on my knees, as intoxicating as the taste of alcohol in her mouth. It's nothing like the dares we’ve had. _Nothing_. It’s hot and passionate and hungry. She's kissing me with _so much_ fervor like she's pouring everything she’s bottled up inside after all these years.

A kiss that tells me that what she told me _that_ night isn’t entirely true. And, how my heart is frantically trying to jump out of my chest obliterates any underlying questions I have about how I truly feel for her— it's the exact, same way I'm certain she _still_ feels for me.

“What did- what was- ” Lisa stumbles for words as soon as the need for air breaks us apart, both of us desperately heaving for breath. She gently pushes me away just enough, so she can look at me, holding my gaze, searching for an answer to the questions she can’t put into words.

I rest my hand on her cheek, caressing her skin. “Mrs. Choi asked me why I haven’t moved out yet.”

If she looked confused before, she looks completely lost now like a child separated from her parents in a mall full of people kind of lost.

“She said that I should move out because you might want to date again and it will be hard for you to bring them home if I'm still here.” I let my gaze drop to her hand as I secure it in mine, squeezing tightly. “And I was jealousat the thought of it. I don’t want you to be with anyone else.”

“Why?” Lisa leans a bit to the side to catch my eye again and I let her seize my gaze.

“Because I love you,” I confess. “In a way I never thought I would.”

The ecstasy I feel when I finally said it out loud doesn’t last long, because Lisa immediately straightens and yanks her hand away from mine as if she has just been splashed with freezing water. And, just like that, I suddenly can't read her. Her walls are back up. Her face is a blank canvass.

“W-what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?” I stutter in utter shock, but she doesn’t answer. I try to close the gap she’s put between us, but she steps back.

How I wish Lisa hasn't gotten so good at hiding her emotions, but that’s something she's had no choice but to learn and master to hide how she felt from me. I find absolutely _nothing_ in her gazeand it's fucking terrifying.

“Lisa, talk to me, _please_ ,” I beg, my voice quivering in my throat, tears starting to sting my eyes.

“You don't just get to say that, Jisoo. Getting over you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” Lisa speaks finally and how cold her voice is sends shivers down my spine.

“I know—“

“No, you _don’t_ know!” Lisa cuts me off sharply, shaking her head aggressively. “You _don’t!_ But, I’m already okay. This is the first time in a long time that I can _genuinely_ say that I’m _okay_ ,” she continues, her voice shaking. “You can’t just kiss me and say you love me! You just can’t... You _don't_ get to do that! That's fucked up, Jisoo!”

The walls she built around herself start to crumble as the rest of her emotions struggle to be free. She tries to hold everything in, to mask it with the anger she's showing now, but I catch a glimpse of it... just for a split second before it’s gone again.

_Fear._

“What are you so afraid of?”

And, I know I found the chink in her armor and asked the right question because her shoulders begin to tremble.

“What if you're just confused? What if it doesn’t work out? What if you realize you aren’t really in love with me in the long run and you leave me?”

Her tears trickle down her cheeks and the fear in her eyes I saw is back and it stays. She looks so terrified and I don’t know what to say, because I can’t see what the future holds for us. We both don’t, and that’s _exactly_ why she’s afraid.

“I can't promise you something I can't see for myself, but what I can promise you is that I'm sure about how I feel _now_ and I'm in love with you,” I say softly, my hand reaching to wipe her tears. She closes her eyes at my touch, not backing away this time. “Love is a leap of faith. Take the leap with me.”

Lisa nestles her cheek on my palm, opening her eyes once again and they’re the saddest and most regretful I’ve ever seen them. The rejection in her eyes is as palpable as words and my tears start to fall as a fierce, enormous pain surges through me.

“Loving you already _destroyed_ me once. I was so, _so_ broken to the point that I thought I’d never be whole again...” Lisa says through her tears, shaking her head and how broken her voice tinkles across the room breaks my heart even more. “I can’t risk it, Jisoo. I’m afraid I will not survive it the second time around. I’m sorry.”


	10. Chapter 10

_** LISA'S POV ** _

It’s been so long since the first thing I feel when I wake up is an onslaught of pain, but here it is again, familiarly unsought. All because of the same girl, but all because of entirely different reasons. 

I hurt her, which only makes it all worse.

It hurts how defeated and crestfallen she looked, but nodded and said she understands when I turned her heart down; how she dejectedly went to sleep on the couch and I couldn’t tell her to stay; how our king-sized bed has never felt so big without her; and how I couldn’t cocoon her in my embrace as I hear her stifled sobs outside, because _I_ am the reason for those. 

I didn’t lie when I said I’m doing okay now— maybe not in every sense of the word for everybody else, but as fine as I can achieve. 

Because I will never _not_ love Jisoo. I know that now. 

Somewhere along the way, I’ve realized that the love I have for her is like a volcano— not extinct, never inactive, but dormant at best. Once I’ve accepted that, it was... not easy, oh God not easy, but manageable to tamp it down from alert number five to zero. 

It was the hardest thing I had to do, but little by little, level by level, I’ve succeeded to tame and conceal the magma that has always been persistent and insistent in rising and spewing all over the place. Until, there was no more volcanic unrest. 

The love is still there like it will always, _always_ be, but just not in the same degree. Now, it’s not as wild as it was before, but calm and collected— calm enough that it doesn’t hurt anymore; collected enough that my heart doesn’t go haywire at the mere sight of her. 

It brought me so much peace. 

That peace, however, is unexpectedly short-lived because Jisoo said she loves me in a way I never thought she ever would. Never in a billion years would I have guessed why she’s been acting strangely lately is because of that reason. I will never have had... come to think that. 

In fact, I don’t think I’ve soaked it all in because I was engulfed with fear upon her confession. Now that I’ve slept on it and sobered up and calmed down, I realize not all of me believes it.

She’s in love with me? _Jisoo_? Just when and how did _that_ happen? 

“When and how what happened?” 

My eyes snap open when I realize I voiced my thoughts out loud. 

I have kept my breathing steady since I was awoken by Jisoo entering the room. I couldn’t even open my eyes to see what she’s doing for the fear of her catching me awake, but from the lavender scent wafting in the room, I figured she just got out of the shower.

Minutes have passed since she came in and I was sure she’s done dressing up, but she stayed. And I could feel her in front of me, just lingering and watching as I continued to pretend I’m asleep. 

I’m obviously not, though. And now, I'm busted.

Jisoo exhales after a while of me just staring at her dumbly like my lips are glued shut. I‘m not ready to have that conversation. Yet. She gets that, I guess, because she eases me into a change of topic. 

“I knew you were awake, by the way.” 

The side of my lips twitches into a slight grimace. “You did?”

“Well, you were snoring,” she begins slowly and half shrugs. “And then, you were not. I figured you‘re up.” 

“I was?” I ask, sporting a full scowl now. 

“Unless there are ten bullfrogs stuck in your throat, I’m pretty sure you were,” Jisoo chuckles weakly, hugging herself. “You snore a lot. Just soft, mostly. It’s worse when you’re tired, though. It was so loud I could hear you outside. You woke me up before my alarm did.” 

_ Lie.  _

It doesn’t take so much as to study her to know she hasn’t slept a blink. One look at the darkened circles under her eyes tell me that she had as much sleep as I would’ve had if I wasn’t so exhausted to fall into slumber— none. 

And, I feel a tug of guilt in my stomach. 

“I’ll make coffee.” Jisoo starts towards the door when I didn’t respond, looking back. “Do you want one?” 

I shake my head. “I wanna go back to sleep. No work today.” 

“Oh, good. You’ve been slaving for months. You deserve some rest,” Jisoo says with a hint of a smile. “But if you, um, wanna talk, I’ll just be outside,” she adds before she steps out of the room. 

Only when I feel my shoulders relax that I become aware of how _tense_ I was. I push myself up, hugging my knees to my chest so I can let my face fall on them. I groan in annoyance. Why am I acting like this? I’m an adult who can handle adult conversations, so why am I running away? 

I ruffle my hair, standing up and marching outside with a purpose. When I close the door with more force than necessary, Jisoo jumps in place, head snapping towards my direction.

“You said you love me. When and how did that happen?” 

“Oh.” Jisoo blinks the shock away, then reaches for another mug instead of answering. She pours coffee and adds two sugar cubes, just like how I like mine, and sets it down on the table.

I sit on the chair opposite her and accept the coffee she prepared for me. I think I see a faint smile on her lips before she nurses into her own, but it‘s brief. Maybe, I‘m just seeing things. 

“I don't know.” With her gaze focused on the drink in her hand, Jisoo breathes in as much air as her lungs can hold. Then, she exhales, her grip tightening around her mug. “Familiarity can be confusing.”

Jisoo has been around me as much as I was for her. Our relationship has always been bordering on what couples do, like it’s a whole big grey area, leaving only a little black to the side-- an area we don’t cross. But, the line that separates friends and more than that is so light and blurred that I wasn’t aware of when I crossed it, too. 

I understand what she means. Familiarity can be so confusing, in more ways than one. 

“Then, what made you so sure?” Why I sound small and insecure, I don’t know, but my throat dries up and the forgotten coffee in my hand suddenly looks more appealing. 

“I wasn’t at first. I’ve never liked girls for as long as I can remember, but I’m sure I like you.” Jisoo throws in easily and though she’s said it last night, hearing her say it again stirs something fierce. “I told you I was jealous at the thought of you being with someone else. That was my wake up call, but of course, I still had lingering doubt so when someone asked me out on a date, I went just to test it out.” 

I regret choosing to take a huge sip of my coffee at the same time as Jisoo says that because the liquid goes down the wrong pipe and I’m choking and breathing and coughing all at once. 

“Oh, god,” Jisoo gasps and she’s beside me in a flash, gently patting my back. “Are you okay?” 

I form an a-okay sign with my fingers, swallowing heavily and catching my breath. “Have you seen my lungs? I think I spat them out,” I say breathlessly, pulling myself upright. 

Jisoo heaves a sigh of relief, then chuckles softly. “You’re so dumb.” 

“You love me anyway,” I respond without missing a beat.

That came as an automatic response like it is muscle memory at this point and only a moment later do I realize that that’s not what I should say right now. 

Jisoo looks both surprised and amused, but her expression smooths out quickly, warmth and affection emitting from her gaze. Nipping on her bottom lip, her nervous tick, she says, “Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you.” 

Jisoo tucks away the hair that escaped my ear and her fingers linger a second longer before they circle back around her mug. My face is probably still red from my near-death experience just a minute ago, so I’m hopeful that masks the blush that appears underneath it. 

It obviously did not because Jisoo stops nipping on her lip, the side of her mouth pulling into a fleeting smirk. What she’s seeing is giving her a surge of confidence and it’s spilling out— so much so that she chooses not to go back to her seat and sits on the table perpendicular to me instead, feet crossed and dangling over the edge. The cloth of her pants touching the bare skin of my thigh. That's how close she is. And, I try not to be bothered. 

“So.” I clear my throat, my eyes darting everywhere and anywhere until they end up focused at the far end of the kitchen. “You didn’t tell me you went out on a date.”

If why Jisoo softly giggles is because of the bite in my tone, I don’t give a damn. It’s not that I’m jealous (which I’m really _not_ , btw), it’s just that we tell each other things, especially big, important things like your first date after you and your fiancé broke up.

“I've been helping Mrs. Choi the whole week and met her grandson one night. He asked me out for a drink.” I nod, ignoring the pang in my chest. "He was pretty and nice and funny and a complete gentleman, and though Mrs. Choi told me he was dumb, he was super smart. He ticked off everything on the list,” Jisoo resumes and I can see her looking at me in my periphery, gauging my reaction probably, so I school my features to remain neutral. 

“I should’ve liked him. He’s the guy I would’ve liked.” 

My brows furrow in confusion. “And you don’t? ‘Cos it sounded like you do.” 

Jisoo scoffs, shaking her head. “He asked me out again. After he walked me back home.” 

“And did you say yes?” I take a sip of coffee and for some reason, it tastes extra bitter in my mouth. 

“No. What part of this don't you understand, Lisa?” Jisoo breathes in shakily and when I look at her, her eyes are shut closed. “You asked me what made me so sure. It was then... cos I kept thinking about you the whole time I was with him. So, why the hell would I say yes when I clearly said I’m into _you_?” 

“I don’t know? Maybe you’re not into me that m-much?” I stutter the last word when my breath hitches as Jisoo’s eyelids flutter open, locking her gaze with mine.

Something familiar boils in the hollows of my chest and I desperately reel it in just like what I did last night, but the way Jisoo’s eyes are coated with ferocity and determination is so hypnotizing that I _can’t_ look away. 

For some reason, it’s not scary, but kind of soothing. 

“I kept thinking about how you would’ve slapped my arm relentlessly while you laughed at my jokes ‘cos he didn’t. About how you would’ve stolen the olives from my martini because you love them, but he didn’t. About how you would’ve said something dumb just so you could get a rise out of me and we engage in a silly fight, but he didn’t. It’s the littlest, dumbest things that shouldn’t have mattered, but I found myself searching for them... searching for _you_.” 

Jisoo pauses with her lips tightly pursed and takes her time to stare, to drink me all in and I’m thankful I’m sitting down because my knees would’ve given out any second. I try to steel my heart because it all sounded way too familiar. It might be like eons ago, but I remember all too clearly how I figured what I truly feel for her... and what she just said is all oddly too similar. 

“I’m not sorry I kissed you, because I’ve been wanting to do that since that night. And, I want to do it again.” 

Jisoo moves closer and for a second, I believed she’s going for my lips, but instead she swerves, her lips stopping beside my ear, grazing it lightly. Every hair on my arms stands on end. 

“I won’t tho, cos you made it clear that I can’t do that anymore. But, I _want_ to, cos I feel for you so strongly that I just want to prove to you how much," Jisoo whispers, sounding so intensely unwavering that it takes all of me not to swoon in place. She pulls back just enough to lock eyes with me again, her irises burning and digging through mine that it makes my heart jump to my throat.

"So please, don’t question my feelings ‘cos that just makes me want to prove it more. I didn’t go through wanting you so much that I lost my self-control and _am_ still barely hanging by a thread to hold myself back, just for you to doubt that I love you.”

I swallow thickly. “Sorry, I believe you.” That's not a lie I had to tell just to placate her because I truly do. I don’t know if my judgment is that reliable right now though because I’m feeling a bit too dizzy.

“Good. Thank you.” Jisoo has toned down the fervor in her voice and though she’s not whispering anymore, it somehow sounds softer now, “I wish I figured it out sooner, though. I know you felt it too... when we kissed. We could’ve been so happy.” 

And, that pushes me further down the rabbit hole as something shifts inside me— something like magma refusing to be trapped inside any longer, squirming from the weakening vice grip that’s desperately still reigning it in— because I know exactly what she means. I _felt_ exactly what she means. 

When I pulled Jisoo to me when I felt her starting to pull back from the kiss I was too shocked to respond to at first, I wasn’t thinking— I was only _feeling_ , acting solely on the so raw and all-consuming emotions that surged within me when her lips were on mine.

In that reckless moment, with my brain shut down, unable to think and give any rational judgment, I’ve lost all my inhibitions and I was the happiest— the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. 

And if that’s any indication of only a _fraction_ of what could've been, then Jisoo would’ve taken me so high into new, uncharted heights. And God, the possibility of that makes me second guess myself and a part of me just wants to say fuck it all because it still _can_ be.

I _can_ love her again and just be happy. 

But, I’ve experienced firsthand how much a person is capable of loving— the incomprehensible intensity and magnitude of how much I can love her. And, to let my emotional wall down, to let all that love I know I have in me erupt and flow again, only for me to contain it once more in the end scares me shitless. 

How I wish it wasn’t fear and panic that manifested in me and swallowed me whole upon her confession; how I wish I could’ve just found it in me to bravely dive headfirst when Jisoo asked me to love her because loving her isn’t hard... It’s the recovering from it that is. 

So, what I told her was true- _is_ true. I am scared. She loves me, now, but she can’t promise me that she still will in the future. And, that’s fucking scary. I can’t just toss my heart into the unknown without thinking of the dire consequences it might bring. 

It will be harder because it’ll be different— different in a way that I’ll get to experience her love too and the utter, indescribable bliss it will introduce to me. And, while a part of me yearns for that, there's also this part where I'd rather not know how that feels at all than for it to be taken away from me for whatever reason in the future. 

There‘s a pair of hopeful wings now that wants to take me to the sky and show me what lies above the clouds, but there’s still this hand of anxiety that pulls me back to the ground where it’s safe and known. And, I don't know to which I should yield to.

Honestly, I’ve just turned into a huge ball of internal conflict and how Jisoo is practically breathing on my face is making it harder and harder for me to breathe and think and breathe and think and when I can’t think, I should know from experience which side wins. 

The memory of how she tastes like strawberry flavored lip balm hits me like a freight train as my gaze flits down to her heart-shaped lips. I watch as Jisoo’s tongue peek out, licking them wet. Whether she did that unconsciously or not to invite me in doesn’t matter because either way, I’m already a goner and all I want to do is to kiss her again. 

But, a series of loud knocks that reverberate around the room startles me out of my skin, and the “Hey!” that follows makes me abruptly stand on my feet out of full-blown panic. 

“Fuck!” Jisoo staggers back, her hand flying to cup her nose. 

_ Her nose? _ Then, the sting on my forehead finally registers and I gasp, loud. _I bumped into her nose!_

“Shit, sorry! Sorry!” I wince, taking one big stride towards her, my fingers gripping on her elbows, not knowing what else to do. “I’m so, _so_ sorry! Does it hurt?” 

“Of course it does, you dumbass!” Jisoo shouts, sending a teary, deathly glare my way for asking such a stupid question when she’s doubled down in pain. I feel all my blood rise to my face and down to my shoulders in utter embarrassment. 

“I can hear you in there!” Mrs. Choi says from behind the door, followed again by a few impatient knocks. Both of our heads turn towards the door and Jisoo is practically shaking in anger in my grip. 

“Ugh, I’m gonna _kill_ her!” Jisoo shakes free from my hands and storms to the door, yanking it open and revealing the ever unapologetically rude old lady neighbor. 

“What is it?!” 

“Is Yogi here?” 

They both ask at the same time and Mrs. Choi blinks in surprise when she registers the anger in Jisoo’s tone and face probably, but I wouldn’t know because she’s facing away from me. Mrs. Choi studies Jisoo and then me from over Jisoo’s shoulder, then my best friend again. 

The old lady at least has some decency to look sheepish. “Sorry, did I interrupt something?”

“Yes!” Jisoo says at the same time I say “No!” 

“No?” Jisoo spins around, brows curled, but my eyes quickly drop to the floor, too much of a coward to meet hers. Now that I’m out of whatever daze I was in a moment ago, I’m freaking out again. My mind starts reeling at the fact that I was going to kiss her. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. That’s the problem. 

“Right, okay,” Jisoo mutters weakly. And, I bite my lip at how defeated she sounded. “I have to go. I’m gonna be late for my meeting,” she continues after a beat. I don’t know if she’s talking to me or Mrs. Choi, but when the latter doesn't answer, I figure it’s me. I still don’t respond to her though, then I hear her sigh and begin to move. 

When the click-clack of Jisoo’s heels is out of earshot, I lift my head again only to find Mrs. Choi still standing by the doorway, looking at me with a frown on her face. 

“W-what?” I ask. 

Mrs. Choi eyes me up and down, disgust written all over her face. 

“I can’t believe she turned down my grandson for a loser like you.” 

My jaw sets as my teeth grit together, but I stop myself, taking in a calming breath and rubbing circles on the temple of my forehead. It won’t do me any good to be mad at Mrs. Choi, even if the old lady keeps sticking her nose into where her nose isn’t wanted. 

“You don’t know anything,” I mumble weakly. “Yogi isn’t here. Please close the door.” 

“Thin walls,” Mrs. Choi says, knocking on the wall beside her as if to prove her point. They aren’t thin in reality, but the sound gets through especially when people are shouting, which I was doing last night. “I know enough from what I heard.” 

“And I’m not asking for your opinion,” I hiss past the barriers of my teeth. I'm not in the mood to take shit from her after the shit show I’ve just literally pulled. I feel like crap and my patience is running thin. 

“No, but I’m giving it to you.” 

“Please, Mrs. Choi. Just get out.” The words fall on deaf ears.

“The woman you love finally says she’s in love with you and what? You’re chickening out? Because what? You’re scared of getting hurt? A _coward_ ,” Mrs. Choi spits out. “That’s what you are.” 

I tip my head back as my hand slides up my hair, pulling onto a fistful of it to keep what’s left of my composure.

“Her ex-fiancé treated her like shit. The man she once believed she was gonna spend her whole life with swept her to the side like she’s disposable trash. She had to deal with that while the worst she’s done to you is be oblivious of your feelings. Jisoo has never done anything to _intentionally_ hurt you. Have you ever thought of that?” 

The sudden shift in Mrs. Choi’s tone makes me open my eyes slowly and my shoulders slump because the disappointment in her voice is also palpable all over her body. And, all the fight and anger leave me all at once.

I sigh in defeat. “What’s your point?” 

“Jisoo didn’t love him any lesser than you loved her, tall girl. She _knows._ ” Mrs. Choi’s gaze pierces through me as if that should be enough to make me understand, but it isn’t. And I guess it shows because the old lady sighs, shaking her head. 

“Jisoo knows how hard it is to get over someone she loved with all her heart,” Mrs. Choi spells it out for me. I guess she truly did hear me last night. “Do you think she isn’t scared? You’re not the only one who was hurt from loving somebody too much."

And, that's when I finally get what Mrs. Choi is trying to convey.

If anyone should be afraid it's _Jisoo_ because she had already experienced what I'm fearing the most. She had already lost someone she genuinely gave all her love to. And, that person hurt her by choice. Jisoo of all people should know that kind of pain and yet, she’s still willing to risk her heart again because of me, _with me,_ but I can’t even find the courage to give her a chance.

Mrs. Choi is right. I _am_ a coward. 

“You want to be left alone? Fine. I’m glad she’s found a place and moving out of here. Maybe you’ll see how you’ve made the wrong choice when she’s not around anymore,” Mrs. Choi scoffs when I just stay stoned in place, quiet as a lamb. 

I blink rapidly. “Wait, what. What did you say?” 

“You heard me,” is the last thing Mrs. Choi says before she finally closes the door.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of homophobic slur

_** JISOO'S POV ** _

When we are lost in the raging storm of emotional seas, we all try to find a steady lighthouse to guide our way, desperately looking for just a tiny flicker of light to show itself in the total darkness that prevails in the stricken, clouded skies.

Mine came in the middle of the night while I was drowning in the undulating waves and salty tears of loss and regret for losing the best thing that I could have had.

The tiny flicker of light showed in the memory of Lisa’s face enveloped with vulnerability and fear. It was the face of someone who had suffered before and didn't know if she could do it again. And, it serves to remind me that she only turned me down because she’s terrified, and not because the love isn’t there anymore.

Lisa loves me, still.

And that love, though walled in by some serious shit of emotional struggle, is my lighthouse.

Lisa loves me, still.

That, I know much because when she kissed me, the shell she’s built over time cracked and I had a glimpse ofwhat is shackled and trapped beneath. When she sealed it back again, I’m left wanting to see the entirety of what’s hidden there. It’s like the first time you watch the trailer for a movie you’ve been waiting for and it’s _everything_ you’ve ever wanted and you just know that the whole movie is going to be beautiful and you’re just _dying_ to see it.

Lisa loves me, still.

So, I haven’t lost all hope yet.

When you find something good, you hold onto it, so I’m holding on to her. As long as I know she loves me, for as long as she still does, I won’t give up on her. I just need her to see that though she’s afraid, I _am_ and _we_ are worth giving a shot. And, thinking of how I’ll do that was what kept me awake for the rest of the night.

So, when Lisa talked to me this morning like I wished she would, I grabbed the chance. And, I think I played my cards right and came _so so so_ closeif not for Mrs. Choi’s terrible, horrible timing.

If I managed to coax Lisa out of her cocoon, it doesn’t matter because she obviously just crawled back into it again, and maybe even _further_. I came on too strong and she freaked out on me.

_ God, what do I do now? _

I bury my face in my palms. I don’t want to overthink things, but she literally couldn’t even _look_ at me that I had no choice, but to leave her alone. (It’s true that I was gonna be late for my meeting. But all of my meetings are done, and I still can’t go back to the apartment, opting to stay in a café instead.)

For the past three hours or so, with gallons of coffee running in my system, I’ve been pondering if I should go to our dinner scheduled for tonight or not. Lisa wanted to hang out with me and Rosie after the film production was over, but now that I fucked things up and left things awkward between us, I don’t know if she still wants me there. And I don’t want to ask her or text her for that matter, because I’ve already done a lot of pushing today.

So, instead, I wait. For her to talk to me, or text me, or whatever. Just an indication that we’re okay. But, there’s nothing. The message I’ve sent her saying “I’m sorry” still sits read and unanswered.

“Jisoo?”

I recognize that voice almost immediately although I haven’t heard it for so long _._ Out of many things to yank me out of my thoughts, I never thought it would be him. When I remove the fingers that curtain my sight, I’m met with a charming smile that I once fell in love with, but just makes me want to vomit now.

_ Suho. Really? Do the gods hate me this much? _

“Oh, it knew it was you!” He exclaims.

I made it a point that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore when I broke off our engagement. He’s literally like a nightmare I left behind and I’ve cut all connections— I changed my number, blocked him in every social media account, and moved into Lisa’s apartment he doesn’t know where.

I’ve been living in a world where he doesn’t exist... and, I’d like to keep it that way.

“Go away.” I may have sounded a little too annoyed and indifferent, but really, I couldn’t care less. I’ve had a pretty shitty day if you noticed, and I’m in no mood to act civil towards someone who doesn’t deserve it.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” he chuckles. “The café is full.”

It is, yes, but how does he have the audacity to sidle on the empty seat in front of me? Scratch that, how does he even have the audacity to show his face to me like he didn’t fuck me over and under?

I can just go. I know that. It’s just a fucking table. But, _Jesus._ It may sound petty to you, but there’s no way I will let this guy get his way again.

“Wow, you are obtuse.”

“Oh, c’mon, you can’t still be mad.”

“I don’t care about you anymore to be even mad at you. I still don’t like seeing your face tho, so can you, like... get out of my sight? Go bother someone else.”

His face falls for a tiny moment, but a smirk quickly finds its place on his smug face. “You’re alone, aren’t you? I can keep you company, while I wait for my girlfriend.”

I roll my eyes. So, that’s what this is. That’s why he’s here. To show off how he’s doing well without me. There’s literally no cell in my body that cares, though.

“What are you doing here alone?” He asks, the animosity in his voice much noticeable that my brows curl up. “You look like you’re going through something. Did you fight with your boyfriend?”

Wow, he’s such an asshole, and damn do I want to wipe the smug out of his face.

“I don’t see why that’s any of your business, but I’ll humor you,” I say. “We did kinda fight, but she isn’t my girlfriend yet. But we’re getting there.” _A lie, but he doesn’t need to know that._

And the way his eyeballs almost pop out of their sockets gives enough entertainment to last me for a week. My job here is done.

“Is it Lisa?” He asks after a moment, taking me by surprise. I flinch a little. “It‘s her, isn’t it? I _knew_ she has the hots for you!”

I frown. _Seriously, am I the only one who didn’t know?!_

_ “ _ Man, all that talk about how stupid I am for losing the best I’ve ever had when she came to my apartment to get your things. Pft, you’re not all that,” he scoffs. “I told her she can have my trash if she wants you so bad. She looked like she was gonna commit murder.”

“She what?” Lisa never told me what happened when came home that day with my stuff. And, I didn’t ask.

We ate Chinese and a tub of ice cream and watched a silly movie, instead. It’s like we both just opted to not talk about where she came from and how it went.

_ “You’re too good for him, Jisoo. It’s him who doesn’t deserve you. I hope you know that much _ .” I remember Lisa whispering those words to me as she held me that night as I cried myself to sleep.

“Oh, you didn’t know? Well, she finally got you. Not that you’re much of a catch,” Suho chuckles. To mock me maybe, but it doesn’t faze me one bit. I’m way over him to care about what he thinks of me. “I didn’t peg you as one of those girls, though.”

_ That _ gets a reaction. I raise a brow in question.

“Y’know, those who cancel all men and turn to girls just cos a guy broke their heart.”

How he says something so stupid so seriously makes me burst out a genuine laugh, shoulders shaking, fingers pinching the space between my brows.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” The last remnants of my laughter fade, wiping tears from my eyes. “Just how big can your ego be to think that this even has anything to do with you? That’s _not_ how it works.”

“So, what is it then? You just settled for a girl? Is that it?” The underlying tone of misogyny in that whole question makes my skin itch. Now, _that_ isn’t funny.

” _Lisa_ is more of a man— (I make it a point to roll my eyes)— than you can only wish you’ll ever be. So, how is it settling when she’s way better than _you_ or any man for that matter?”

He scoffs on his cup of coffee, leaning back on his chair like he’s on top of the world. “That’s pretty hard to believe.”

“Look here, you narcissistic asshole.” He does. Out of shock of being called that, maybe. “Where is this confidence even coming from? Did you forget that _I’m_ the one who _left_ you?”

He breathes in sharply, his face twitches into a very unflattering glower. I sit tall in challenge, far from the woman he knew before. He holds no power over me anymore. And that really makes me feel good about myself.

“In case you‘re getting it twisted, I’ll make it clear. You are the trash at the bottommost of the pit, so you don’t get to look down on her or anyone I choose to be with, cos there’s _no one_ below you.”

And, I know I bruised his fragile male ego a little too much (pft like I care) because he looks like he’s just about to burst right before a “Babe!” comes from someone behind me. My gut tells me that the girlfriend has arrived because Suho schools his expression.

Ah, his mask is back.

My head spins to a beautiful girl, sporting the biggest grin that makes my cheeks hurt just from looking at it. There’s an extra bounce in her steps and I fight the grimace that wants to cloud my face when I think I was once like that too with him.

She notices me and though there’s question in her eyes, her smile doesn’t falter. “Is this your friend?” She beams the moment she reaches our table, but before Suho can answer, the overly excited girl introduces herself, “Hi, I’m Sunyoung!”

“And I’m... leaving.” Ignoring her extended hand, I grab my coat and purse and I kinda feel bad when she frowns cos she seems like a genuinely nice person. I sigh, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not his friend. I was engaged to him once, tho. Worst experience of my life. You can do so much better.”

“Oh, fuck you! You think you’re all that?!” Suho barks and my head, along with the girl’s, jerks to his _seething_ face, red and gnarly. Mask be damned, I guess. “You were a suffocating bitch!”

My ears pulse. He really is way far up his ass if he still thinks that and my leaving didn’t teach him anything.

I once couldn’t stand the thought of losing him that I resolved into letting go and forgetting the person I was, of thinking I deserve better, just so I could be with him, so I could understand him, so I could get out of his hair (his exact words) because I loved him _that_ much. I defended him to myself even when I was too tired of getting pushed to the side, too exhausted from being under him, and too worn out from being this person who’s blinded by love and has forgotten to love herself until I couldn’t anymore. I was the one doing all the adjusting and _I_ was _suffocating_? Bullshit.

My tongue pokes my cheek as I consider my options— one, I put him in his place, or two I can be the bigger person, leave, and live as if he doesn’t exist again. It doesn’t take much thinking to know the better option, so, as much as I‘m burning to stoop down to his level, I decide it’s not worth it.

“If that helps you sleep at night,” I shrug in finality, then turn on my heels.

Suho lets out a contemptuous scoff, “Yeah, cos I’m right! No one else would want you that’s why you’re stuck with that _dyke_! I can’t decide which one of you two is more disgusting!”

His girlfriend gasps and it takes me another second to register what he just said because I was trying not to listen, but when it clicked, I round on him in a flash. Something in me snaps, hard and inexorable.

My clenched fist flies and connects with flesh and bones strong enough to send him reeling back against the back of his seat. His chair falls to the ground, bringing him along.

“Insult me all you want, you asshole, but try and call Lisa that one more time and see if I don’t _kill_ you.” The fury in my voice sounds foreign even to me and by how my vision is bathed with red, I swear it’s not an empty threat. I don’t know how I’ll pull it off, but I _will._

My breaths are labored, my head thumps, my nails dig at the palms of my hands— I’m livid and murderous.

He shouldn’t have crossed that line. He shouldn’t have said the word I fucking _detest_ the most.

I’ve heard that slur so many times from people who tried to belittle and insult Lisa. Defending her from that is literally how she became my best friend and though the first person I punched got what she deserved, it didn’t stop there. There’s always someone else. The world is full of ignorant people and one happens to be in front of me right now. And like the others, I _can’t_ let him be without a scratch, especially now that Lisa isn’t here to serve as a buffer.

But Suho, all wide-eyed and slack-jawed and ass still glued on the floor, cradling the part of his face that was just introduced to my fist, is silent for the first time tonight. And, before he can snap out of his state of shock and say another stupid thing that I’ll make him regret, Sunyoung, if I remember her name correctly, stands between us.

“What he said was uncalled for, but I think that’s enough,” she says, eyes clouded with horror when I fix my gaze on her. She tilts her head, motioning me to look around and that’s only when I remember that we’ve got a café full of audience. Some people look away when my eyes flitter their way, some don’t, including the one who has her phone up, probably taking a video of what’s happening.

“Please, just go,” she pleads. I breathe in raggedly, swiping my tongue on the front of my teeth as I try to steady myself.

My mind drifts to Lisa and how she would be the one calming me down if she was here and that thought pacifies me enough to go. So, without sparing Suho another look, I move away, as painfully hard as it is to do before things escalate and security gets involved.

“Y-you crazy bitch! Come back here!” I hear Suho shout. He snapped out of it, apparently.

“Suho, stop it, please.”

“Why did you let her go?! She _assaulted_ me!”

“Let it go, Suho. I don’t know what went on between you two, but you shouldn’t have said that,” his girl says, disappointment evident in her voice. At least, she has a good head on her shoulders.

“Shut the fuck up! I can say whatever the fuck I wanna say!” He roars, but their conversation, along with the whispers of the other patrons, lulls into nothing when I step out of the place and the door closes behind me.

_ God, why is she even with him?  _

Then, I realize I can answer that question because I was once her. I bet this is the first time she saw him like this. He wears his mask so flawlessly, but a mask is just that— a mask. And somehow, somewhere, sometime, a person will have to take it off and show the ugly within. I hate that I had to live with him for me to see it.

A part of me wants to believe he said what he said just to spite me, but a better part of me knows that his being emotionally manipulative probably isn’t the only rotten thing about him.

How _dare_ he talk about Lisa that way?

Though I’ve walked away, my anger stays and clings to me. My veins are on the verge of popping with how my blood _boils_ and I’m just about to burst from the inside out when my hand digs for my phone. 

Neither the fact that we haven’t talked or that we’re not okay nor the still read and unanswered apology when I opened her message box stops me from texting the only person I want to confide in right now.

[To: Nallalisa] I RAN INTO SUHO I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WERE GONNA LET ME MARRY THAT JERK HE’S THE FUCKING WORST

There’s just one person I want to talk to when I’m upset. I don’t care if she ignores me.

Lisa doesn’t though and if my heart melts a little when my phone shows her name, immediately calling right after I sent the message, I‘m in no state to revel in it, because I’m still beyond _pissed off_.

My thumb slides hard on the screen to answer the call.

_ “What happened? What the fuck did he do? Where are you?”  _ Lisa bombards me before I even get a chance to speak and I’m dying to answer every question she throws my way, to rant and get it all off my chest, until she ends it with, “ _Are you okay?_ _I’m coming to get you_.”

And, what’s left of the probably hundreds of words I was gearing to say is one— _“_ Why?”— because out of all the things she asked, what she said last is what registers the most. It alleviates my anger somehow.

_ “What do you mean 'why'? Don’t answer my questions with another question, Jisoo. Are you alright?”  _ Lisa puffs as I hear hurried rustling on the other line, so I reckon she’s already preparing to go.

“Why are you coming to get me?” When I hear an exasperated sigh on the other line, I realize I answered her with a question again. “You don’t have to. I’m— _fuck_. I’m just so angry and I needed to vent out. He just really pissed me off, but I’m fine. You don’t have to worry.”

_ “Did you read the text you sent me? How am I supposed to believe you’re okay? Of course, I’m fucking worried.”  _ Lisa fires, her _loud_ voice laced with so much concern, urgency, (and anger peaking on the surface) that I stagger. _“Just tell me where you are. I’ll be there with you.”_

Those last five words send an electric jolt to my ear that travels to my chest, an overwhelming, blazing zap, eradicating the anger and ultimately melting my heart into a puddle.

Relief, enormous and profound, washes over me as if a huge weight on my shoulders has been lifted.

I didn’t even know I was _that_ worried in the first place. After everything we’ve been through, I know I’m never going to lose her. No, she has proven that time and time again. But, fear is sometimes irrational.

I guess there’s a nagging part of me (especially after the stunt I pulled) that asks, “What if I do? What if I _did_? What if she’s had enough? What if she crawled too far back into her shell that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore?”

I mean, c’mon, she _was_ ignoring me and I _may_ have been thinking maybe she has reached her limit.

But, Lisa...

Lisa has always been consistent at being the person I can fall back to. And, though her consistency falters sometimes— when we fight or when we’re caught in the webs of feelings— she still comes back around. At the end of the day, when it matters most, she’s... _there_ , always a constant in my life, always ready to fly to my rescue when I need her despite battling through the conflicts _I_ caused.

She has been through a lot (I mean, _a lot_ ) because of me, but even after all those times, she always stayed as my anchor and my lifeline and everything else in between, so this really shouldn’t hit me any differently, but it still does. Because every time she proves to me that nothing I do will ever make her push me away or send her running with her tail between her legs, no words in the dictionary can give justification to the appreciation and gratitude I feel.

And god, I‘m just... _enamored_. I thought I would somehow feel weird when I came to terms with my new founded feelings (cos, duh, I’ve never been attracted to girls ever), but no, this— the frenzied thumping of my heart against my ribs, pumping blood in an abnormal manner— just feels all sorts of right. What actually feels wrong is the fact that it took me so long to get here when it’s glaringly obvious that Lisa is _it_ for me.

_ “Jisoo? Are you still there?” _ Lisa asks, pulling me out of my thoughts, or an epiphany of some sort.

“Oh, uh...” I gulp. “Yeah, erm, sorry,” I stammer, grimacing at myself. I take a quick steadying breath. “Sorry if I made you worry, but I _really_ am fine. I can’t stress this enough.” Funny how I ended up the one doing the reassuring.

But, Lisa remains rigid. “ _Tell me what happened, then I’ll decide whether to believe you or not._ ” 

I sigh tiredly, running a hand through my hair. “He just said some... words that tick me off.And I, um—” I bite the inside of my cheek sheepishly, watching my toes kick on the cement floor. “— kinda punched him.”

“ _YOU PUNCHED HIM?!_ ”

I jerk my phone away from my ear on reflex. “But, I’m fine! I left the café!” I try to placate her.

_ “You—” _ Lisa snorts an airy chuckle _,_ probably in disbelief. _“You know what, never mind, I’ll pick you up. We have that dinner later anyway.”_

“I don’t think I should go.” The words slip my tongue and only when I hear them that I become aware that I’ve already come to a decision. I straighten up, looking ahead, and let out a sigh. “I shouldn’t have texted you. You obviously need your space. I promise I can wait. You don’t need to force yourself just ‘cos of this.”

I’m offering her an out to let her know that it’s okay if her consistency falters; that her feelings matter, and if she needs time to deal with that away from me, it’s okay. I’ll take a step back. I’m just _here_. I’ll wait because I’ve got her as much as she’s got me. 

I said I won’t give up on her, but that doesn’t mean I‘ll shove myself to her every chance I get. I want to be careful this time and do this at a pace I feel she’s comfortable with.

_ “Don’t you want to go?” _

My eyebrows graze my hairline. “What? No. _What?_ Of course, I want to, but this isn’t about me. I—“

_ “Then, I’m not forcing anyone involved in this conversation,”  _ Lisa draws out the words to get her point across, then huffs impatiently. _“Stop fighting me on this and just send me your damn location, Jisoo.”_

The tone of finality in her voice corners me to a point where I know I’ve lost the argument, but it’s an argument I don’t mind losing.

“Okay. Drive safe.” I purse my lips, biting the corner of it to stop my face from breaking into a cheesy grin, but my effort is futile and I’m smiling like an idiot.

When she hangs up, I let out a tiny squeal or I believed it was until this stranger passing by side-eyes me like I’m some crazy person. I’m too happy to care, though, because if that’s Lisa’s way of saying we’re okay, then I got it loud and clear.

And, the adrenaline that was pumping in me because of anger is replaced with a brand new high.

//

I close my eyes, digging my hands in the pockets of my coat, tilting my head back, welcoming the next whoosh of chill, wintry air when it gently hits my face.

A satisfied hum flits out of my closed-lipped smile.

I’m sat on a bench reasonably far away from the café where I just came from, not wanting to risk crossing paths with Suho again. Lisa’s on her way over and I’ve been waiting for quite some time that I notice how the number of people walking around has dwindled when the night grew colder.

It’s relatively quiet and it’s chilly and I love it.

Winter is my favorite season because it reminds me that Christmas is just right around the corner which I _love_ spending with my family. When Lisa doesn’t fly home for whatever reason, she spends it with us, too. And during those times, I kind of love Christmas more.

I wonder if she’s flying home this year. I push the thought at the back burner of my mind, labeled as a question to ask for later so I can let loose of myself, thoughtless, in my own cold little world.

“You’re such a weirdo.” My smile grows into a full-blown beam when I tilt my head down and open my eyes to Lisa peeking through the rolled down window of her car, her lips lilt into a lazy smirk. “Stop sitting there like it’s not freezing. Get in here.”

“You’re just a hater,” I singsong, skipping towards her car. She chuckles, shaking her head, as I occupy the front seat. My smile doesn’t wane. I’m so happy she’s here, but I’m not telling her that. “Hi.”

Lisa suddenly extends her hand towards me, palm up, which I just stare confusedly at. “Uhh, am I supposed to give you something?”

She shakes it impatiently. “Your hand, let me see it.”

“Oh,” I say, stretching it out to her, albeit still confused. She grabs it gently, then proceeds to press on my knuckles. The pain that strikes me makes me jerk back with a tiny hiss. I’ve been too caught up with my exhilaration that I failed to notice how my fist has begun to swell and bruise.

“You said you were fine.” Lisa tuts, voice sharp. “Does this look _fine_ to you?”

“That’s nothing. You should see the other guy. He’s gonna be sporting a black eye for days.” I try to brush it off, but Lisa shoots me a blank glare, unamused. I pout, feeling like a child being scolded by her parent. 

“He deserved it,” I mutter.

Lisa’s stony face slightly softens at that. She sighs as she goes back to examining my hand for broken bones or something. “I know he did, cos you won’t sucker punch someone just for the heck of it, but why did you hit him?”

“Cos he’s an asshole,” I huff and Lisa rolls her eyes.

“That didn’t make you punch him before, so what is _the_ reason?” Lisa insists. I mumble something like “something dumb”, incoherently, wishing she would just drop it. But, she doesn’t.

Lisa’s head snaps up, eyes narrowed into tiny, scathing slits warningly. “What?”

“He called you the “d” word, okay?” I puff. “So, I punched him! I mean he was throwing me insults too, and I was about to go! But then he called you that! So, I don’t care! I’m not sorry I—“

A hand on my mouth shuts me up.

“You know I don’t condone violence,” she says, but her whole demeanor had softened, even her voice. “Stop punching people to defend me.”

My shoulders slump as I back away from her hand. Of course, I know she doesn’t. “I just- it just makes me so angry that I lose control. You were always there to stop me, so...” I wrack my brain for something to say that won’t sound like an excuse, but I come up with nothing, so I just sigh, “Are you mad?”

Lisa doesn’t answer, instead, she stares at me with a reminiscent look on her face. Her chocolate irises bathe me with something akin to adoration that it tugs on my poor heartstrings. I inhale a lungful of air because I find myself struggling to breathe with the way her doe eyes are impossibly gleaming.

“How can I be mad when you punched a dude for me? I can’t believe that the magic word to unleash the beast in you still has something to do with me.”

Lisa strokes her thumb on my knuckles, just a light brush over the purples and yellows of bruised skin like she’s afraid to hurt me if she puts any more pressure on it. And, everything about that simple action is so sweet and gentle and careful that it makes my head spin.

“Yeah, well...” I clear my throat, teeth capturing my bottom lip. “It’s whatever.”

“Is it? You’re like my _dame_ in shining armor,” she says teasingly and I would’ve thought of something witty to throw back at her, but I’m currently not in a state where I can _think_. “How did you even get to that point? _How_ in the world was _I_ the topic?”

“I, uh,”I stammer, blinking myself back from whatever trance she has put me in. _Cos I told him you weren’t my girlfriend yet._ I mentally grimace at the thought. That’s not something I can tell her, not now, not when we’re like _this—_ okay and on speaking terms again. The last thing I want to do is ruin anything.

“Can we not talk about it anymore? It kinda dampens my mood,” I say, which isn’t a lie. I may have calmed down, but thinking about it still gets under my skin.

Lisa nods understandingly as she lets go of my hand. And not to be that hopelessly-in-love kind of gal, but I miss its warmth already. 

“Hold on,” she says, then reaches for something at the back of the car. My gaze curiously follows her. _A cooler? Why the hell is there a cooler in here?_ My question is immediately answered, though, when she opens it and pulls an ice pack and a pint of ice cream out of it.

“You brought those for me?” I ask, my voice might have been an octave higher, as my heart rate increases. _Again_. Ugh, what is it with this woman and doing things that make it _so hard_ for meto get a hold of my emotions?

“Well, this isn’t your first rodeo. You’re lucky you didn’t seem to fracture any bones this time, but we’ll go to the hospital just to be sure,” she states as a matter of factly. And, something tells me it isn’t up for discussion, so I just nip on my lip meekly. “Here.” She ties the ice pack on my hand, then hands me the pint of ice cream.

Okay, hear me out, I understand what the ice pack is for, but the ice cream, not so much. _Not at all._ Lisa giggles at the confusion I’m sure i _s_ settled on my face.

“God, will you stop looking so confused?” She points at the ice pack. “That is for your hand.” Then, moves her finger to the sweet treat. “And, that is for you to eat.”

“I know that! I’m not stupid!” I side-eye her, and Lisa laughs. “But, _why_ are you giving me this?”

Lisa sobers up at the question, her lips pursing into a straight line and her fingers become taut wire on the steering wheel. She tenses and her sudden shift of mood catches me off guard, the atmosphere in the small room that her car has to offer becomes heavy.

“I just think you’ve been upset an awful lot today,” she releases a long exhale. And, I catch her drift enough to know that she isn’t just talking about what happened with Suho. “I can’t get you Chinese food, cos we’re having dinner with Rosie. So, I got that for you instead.”

I hold the frozen treat close to my chest, swallowing the lump in my throat. At this point, I wonder if I’ll just eventually get used to my heart fluttering sporadically in my chest like it’s the new normal, because I swear to God, Lisa just _knows_ how to push all the right buttons.

“I’m sorry I was a dick. You don’t deserve that,” she says. There’s a weary sadness and guilt in her gaze that pierces through and strikes a pang of pain straight to my heart for being the one who put it in there.

Of course, she’s the one apologizing. Of course, she’s the one giving a peace offering. Of course, she is because that’s just who she is. And, it is alluring as much as it is _frustrating_.

I slouch on my seat, peeling my gaze away from her to the bright lighted street ahead, biting the insides of my cheeks hard to stop myself from saying something I might regret. She makes this whole self-control thing harder and harder _every single time._

And, it doesn’t help that I just saw Suho because I’m reminded of how much he can’t even begin to compare to this woman beside me. And, if it’s possible, I think I _want_ her more than I already do.

“What are you thinking?” Lisa muses, not surprisingly catching on to the internal struggle I’m currently in.

I frown, more like a pout. “You don’t wanna know.”

Lisa cocks her head a little to the side to get a better look at me. “Try me,” she dares with the gentlest voice.

My eyes dart back to her and she bobs her head, an encouraging nod, orbs curious and pleading, and the little restraint to hold my tongue is lost to the void. I squeeze my eyes close, subconsciously.

“I— it’s just that— _God_ , if you don’t stop being... _you—_ ” My nose crinkles at the cheesiness of how I just used her as her own adjective for the lack of a word to fully encompass everything she is. “—I won’t ever see myself loving someone else.”

A deafening silence follows along with a nervous thump on my ribcage. And just when I think I’m never going to get a response, Lisa has the audacity to chuckle, softly, but chuckle nonetheless.

“Ahh, I guess this is what it means when they say pot meets kettle.”

There are black spots in my vision when my lids split open from shutting them close so hard. I blink once. Twice. _Thrice_ , and when my sight is back to normal, Lisa has already fixed her position on her seat and drives off.

“What do you mean by that?” I gawk more at the fact that she’s so calm and composed and we’re having a conversation than the thing she just said, actually.

“It means exactly what you think it means,” Lisa simply answers, forehead scrunched in thought, eyes still concentrated on the road. “Haven’t you thought of why I haven’t even at least tried dating again? I mean like, _ever_ after I figured out my feelings for you.”

I nod. That isn’t something I haven’t thought of, no. That’s a part of the puzzle I figured out on my own, not like that was hard to do when it’s staring at me right in the face, but hearing her confirm it still awakens the butterflies in my stomach.

“Cos you couldn’t see yourself loving someone else, either,” I draw out the words carefully out of my mouth, studying her side profile to gauge any sign of reaction but she’s _not_ giving anything away.

“Can’t,” Lisa corrects me so off-handedly, like she‘s just commenting on the weather. “Still can’t.”

And, I practically swoon. My insides are in full-fledged turmoil— my pulse _pounds_ above my ear and winged insects flutter _fiercely_ in my stomach. _What the hell is going on?_

“Keep it that way, cos I’m not planning on giving up on you.” Still nothing. Damn her walls. “I’m putting it out there. Just so you know.”

Lisa simply hums. “Okay.”

Look, I’m not one for giving myself false hope, but that does sound like she isn’t opposed to the idea. I swallow hard, pushing down the anticipation and expectation dangerously brewing inside me.

“Okay? Just okay? I’m gonna find a way to worm into the wall you built around yourself and that’s okay?”

The reaction comes, but it completely blindsides me when her stoic face finally breaks with a laugh. Lisa laughs— _**laughs**_ — so carefree and refreshing to the soul like the kind of music you listen to when the first flower blooms at the arrival of spring.

It _sings_ to me, melodic and mesmerizing.

“I’m not dumb, Jisoo. I understood you the first time,” Lisa says softly once her laugh dwindles. She stops at a red light and takes this chance to spare me a glance. Her eyes are glinting with mischief which surprises me. “Did you expect me to freak out or something? I’m sorry to disappoint.”

I’m far, _far_ from being disappointed.

But how Lisa is so different now from how she was this morning gives me mental whiplash. My jaw comically pops open into a cartoonish O before I can stop it and she’s giggling as she pushes it close.

Lisa stares at me for a moment, the air of playfulness in her gaze wanes as the seconds tick by until it’s all gone. The intense seriousness that replaces it freezes me in place and I hold my breath in.

“Don’t give up on me,” Lisa says with the softest voice that borderlines imploring, leaving tiny caresses on my chin. “You... not giving up on me... I really like the sound of that.”

“Oh,” I exhale, blinking once.

“Yeah, _oh_ ,” she says amusedly. “You deserve nothing less than to be loved with no reservations. But, I just... If you can just give me time... _I’ll get there_.”

Time. She needs time to deal with the things that hold her back. Time to have the courage to love me again just like how she used to. She’s asking for time. And, I have all the time in the world to spare for her.

There’s a lot of questions I want to ask. A lot of things I want to clarify. But when Lisa opens her mouth again and says, “Eat your ice cream before it melts.” I know that _that_ conversation is over. For now, at least.

And, it’s okay, we’re okay, and we _will_ be okay. That's the only thing I'm holding on to.

So, I _will_ wait. I can wait. If that's what she needs of me.


	12. Chapter 12

_**LISA’S POV** _

I drive to the nearest hospital to get Jisoo's hand checked. It's better to be sure that she broke no bones than to wait for a couple of days only for her hand to get worse. That's something we've learned the hard way.

The last time this happened was back in our first year in college (not for the lack of attempt on Jisoo's part. I've already lost count of the times I held her back.) I thought she's already way past this phase, but I'm obviously mistaken since I'm here seated beside her in a doctor's office. _Again_. For the same reason.

“Okay, there are no fractures, no broken bones. That’s good,” the doctor states, sliding the envelope with the x-ray result on the desk. “The ice pack helped with the swelling. It’s a mild injury, so there’s no need for a splint, but you need to rest your hand.”

“Rest? For how long?” Jisoo asks, perturbed. I thought that was already obvious because, again, this isn't her first rodeo. I'm guessing she forgot about that part.

“A week at most. Just until the swelling and bruises get better. It might get worse if you move it a lot, so I suggest you rest it for faster healing,” the doctor answers as she writes something down.

I watch Jisoo worry her lips. I can almost see how her mind is running full of the unfinished designs she has to push aside for later because of what happened and I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel guilty.

The doctor looks up, smiling politely. “Any more questions?”

Jisoo shakes her head. “No, that’s all.”

“Okay then,” the doctor says, proceeding to explain what she’s written on her prescription pad.

//

“This sucks,” Jisoo grumbles, reading the doctor’s instructions as we walk away from the hospital. “I have so many deadlines. I _don’t_ have time to rest.”

“Maybe you should have thought of that first before punching him.” I sigh when she glares at me. “People can call me a dyke all they want. I really couldn't care less about what they think. It isn’t worth a broken hand, Jisoo.”

“We’ve already talked about this. I don’t regret what I did. Work be damned.” Jisoo looks away, murmuring under her breath, as she fastens her pace. And, I can only shake my head.

“Look, I— wait, can you stop walking?” I jog after her, grabbing her elbow and halting her steps.

Jisoo turns to face me, annoyed obviously. “What? I get it. You don’t like what I did, but I’d seriously do it again even if you damn well turn back time,” she says sternly.

It’s the stress making her react this way, I know. She‘s had a pretty shitty day and the delay on her projects has probably finally pushed her over the edge.

“Hey, I’m not trying to pick a fight,” I heave a heavy sigh. The last thing I want to do is make her feel worse. “I think it’s sweet what you did, really. But, of course, I don’t like it,” I say this in the gentlest way possible, swiping my thumb softly on her elbow I didn’t let go of.

Jisoo just raises her perfect brow, folding her arms against her chest. She hasn’t yanked her elbow from my touch tho, so I guess that counts for something.

“I don’t like it when you hurt yourself. I don’t like you getting hurt because of me. And it really bums me out that I can only do so much to make you feel better. So, if you can help it, _please_ , don’t do it again?” I pause to squirm at how whiny I sounded, but I might‘ve chosen the right words to say if how Jisoo’s stance has relaxed is something to go by, so I continue anyway, “You’re stressing out and I _absolutely_ dislike that I can’t be of any help to you. I _can’t_ do what you do for work, unlike when you knocked Haneul out back in high school. Graphic design isn’t as easy as doing your homework or writing your notes or, or—“

My eyebrows shoot up when Jisoo suddenly presses her injured knuckles on my lips. “There, you just helped.”

I see a tiny smirk playing on the corner of her lips before she begins to walk ahead again. And I blink in quick succession, gaping at her back. “What?”

Jisoo turns, stepping backward. She outstretches her bruised hand and carefully flexes her fingers. “See? You kissed it better,” she quips, grinning impishly and looking so delighted at herself like she just said the cleverest thing ever.

“You and your antics!” I grunt exasperatedly, but the truth is I’m reining a laugh at how adorable she looks, so full of mirth, so... ‘Jisoo-like’. “C’mon, I’m serious...”

“And who says I’m not? Maybe if you kiss it again, the bruises will magically disappear. I think we should give it a try.”

“Jisoo...” I drawl, sending her a heatless glare, ignoring the quickening thumps in my chest at her suggestion.

“Fine.” She pouts, rolling her eyes. She’s so adorable. Did I say that already? Well, she _is_. “I promise I won’t do it again. _Only_ because you care about me so much. And, _I_ think that’s sweet.”

“Yeah?” A huge sigh of relief.

“Mhmm,” Jisoo hums, biting her bottom lip to fight another smile. “Also because as much as I enjoyed your rambling, I don’t like upsetting you cos you’re cute and I kinda like you a lot.”

I feel the blood rush to my cheeks. I can only blush so much to blame it on the cold, but this surely doesn’t cut it and Jisoo knows that if how the smile she‘s trying to tamp down finally breaks free, so big and so genuine and so, _so_ breathtaking, is any indication.

And _Jesus_ , she’s so beautiful.

She always has been, but somehow, this time, it’s different and I’m trying to find the hidden variable.

Jisoo looks heavenly, standing there under a tree, the moonlight passing through the tiny spaces between its branches and leaves bathing the lines of her face, the curves of her lips, and the circles of her irises.

_Beautiful._

But it isn’t the gentle light illuminating her that makes her warmly radiant, no, I think... It’s how she is glowing with happiness, unbounded and tranquil as the serene, wintry heavens above.

Then I realize it isn’t hidden. It‘s right there and I can see it, feel it. Jisoo looks _so..._ happy, like earnestly happy that it feeds my soul with warmth— squeezing at the muscles in my belly, in my lungs.

_So beautiful._

I haven’t had the chance to _really_ look at her, to study her, between the driving and the hospital, so I’m only just _seeing_ her now.

Jisoo stops on her tracks, a few feet away. Her smile shrinks, but her glow from within is still as luminescent as all the stars combined and more. “You’re staring,” she points out, curious and amused.

“Yeah, I know. Happiness looks so good on you.”

“Oh.” Her head tilts a little to the side, regarding me with a twinkle in her eyes like I’m the only person that matters; like I’m the only one she sees; like I hold all the secrets of the universe. A gaze that‘s worth a thousand words and shoots straight to the heart. “Well, I _am_ happy.”

_Because of you. Because you’re here._ Jisoo doesn’t say the words out loud, but I hear them, anyway.

And though, it’s like my heart has folded in on itself, I can’t bring myself to look away, because it’s been so long since the last time I’ve seen her like this— so blissful, without a care in the world.

And this time, it doesn’t hurt.

“You know you got that look the night you told me you and Suho got engaged.”

“I- _what_?” Jisoo takes full offense, then balks. “For _what_ reason would you say that now, Lisa?”

“Sorry, I just...“ I hesitate, then sigh, just letting the thundering heart in my ribcage to take over. “You really do love me, don’t you?”

Jisoo softens at that, understanding then why I said what I said. I don’t need an answer because it wasn’t exactly a question, no, but more of a treacly sentiment— a bridge to what should’ve been a simple realization.

Jisoo answers, anyway, with so much certainty in her voice. “As much as I am capable of loving somebody, yes, I do.”

And, something inside me suddenly clicks into place so fiercely that it flips my stomach inside out.

Who was I kidding? I _don’t_ need time.

Because if Jisoo has the courage to love me this much, what’s stopping me from loving her just as much? I was so scared at the thought of getting my heart broken. I _am_ still afraid, but this woman who everyone else can’t even hold a candle to is worth every damn heartbreak.

And, I don’t want to waste any more time being afraid when I can love her _now_ , because Jisoo deserves nothing less and I don’t want to make her wait. I don’t want to make _myself_ wait.

God, I want... I want to love her _now_. To be selfish and selfless both at the time. To consume all the love she can give and let her consume all of mine. To give her the world and watch her steal the stars and the moon for me. To love and be loved in return.

I’ve put myself in a state of mind where I don’t love her as much as I did before, but the thing is it’s just that... a ‘state of mind’, because once I unshackled the chains I had wrapped around my heart, the love I have kept in check flows all at once freely, _freeing._

An overwhelming sense of freedom that makes me feel like I can do anything in the world and in this moment, there’s just one thing, one person I’m yearning for. So, I move forward, both literally and figuratively.

“You okay?” Jisoo asks, mystified.

“Never better.”

And before I knew it, I‘ve already closed the space between us and I am inside Jisoo’s personal bubble. A surprised gasp leaves her as I place my hand on the small of her back and pull her close, but I stifle the rest of it as I capture her cold, soft lips with mine.

Jisoo’s body goes rigid for a second before her breath shakes and she splays her fingers on top of my chest. Her mouth opens slightly, inviting and welcoming, and warmth engulfs every cell in my body as her lips start moving with mine. She tastes of strawberry and cream, so torturously sweet, so addicting and I savor every bit of her lips and her mouth and her tongue. It’s a kiss so achingly slow and soft and comforting in ways that words could never be; a kiss full of promises of all the love in the universe and more.

My hand slides to the space below her ears, tenderly caressing her cheek. My heart feels so full of love for this woman and I can't help but smile against her lips. Jisoo giggles as I press one last tender peck on her lips before I draw away, but I hover close, resting my forehead on hers, the tips of our nose brushing softly against each other, her breath tickling my skin.

I hold her in my arms, gentle yet firm like I never want to ever let go. I just really want to stay inside her bubble for as long as I can and relish in her presence. 

And, she lets me.

“So...” Jisoo slides her arms around my neck, still catching her breath. She's smiling, biting the corner of her lip. “I guess that means you love me too, right? You love me again?”

“Shut it, you know I never stopped,” I laugh softly, wrapping my arms around her hips and pressing her even more into my body. She chuckles along and I love how I can feel the tremors it brings.

“I know, but I like hearing you admit it anyway.”

I hum as I pull away slightly because I want her to be looking into my eyes when I say it; for her to read the truth in them. No barriers, no defenses left.

“I love you, Jisoo,” I say. “I love you.”

Turns out it’s liberating to hear myself say it, too. To just freely declare it out in the open without anything weighing me down, without a wall to hide behind.

Jisoo sighs dreamily. “Good, because I love you too.”

I smile and she smiles and we’re both just smiling like two idiots in love, because well, we _are_ two idiots in love _._ I lean in for just a quick peck on her lips, but it makes my heart jump just the same.

We stay entangled in each other’s arms, sharing the same air, soundless for quite some time. I’m still so high on her that I’m completely dumbfounded when she suddenly slaps my arm _hard_.

I recoil in pain and though I still don’t want to, my reflex made me let go of her to rub my stinging skin.

“What was that for?!” 

“You told me to wait! You got me thinking I was gonna wait for a _long_ time!” Jisoo sounds so whiny and relieved both at the same time. And because I am head over heels for her, of course, I’m bemused and smitten. “I mean I’m willing to wait for you, but I’m so thankful I won’t have to, because _god_ , Lisa, this past week has already almost got me insane.”

I scrunch my nose in thought, reaching for her hand. “You know, now that I think about it, it doesn’t make sense. I mean I knew I love you. And I will always love you. So, what’s the point of us waiting if we’re gonna end up together anyway?”

“Don’t ask me. It was your idea,” Jisoo deadpans and I laugh a little, shaking my head.

“I guess I was just really scared of getting hurt again. And of losing you in the long run.”

“Was?” Jisoo asks, pensive and hesitant. “Are you- are you _not_ anymore?”

“No, not really.” I squeeze her hand reassuringly. She lets me tug her close, falling so easily in my embrace. “I’m more scared of regretting the time wasted just because I’m afraid. I failed to see that, but your courage to love me pushed me to do what I want.” I bury my nose in her hair, breathing her in, then sigh in content. “And, I want to be with you now. I just really want to love you with all of me. And I want to take that leap of faith with you.”

Jisoo sighs as her face sinks into my shoulder, her fingers clench at my clothes as she hugs me tighter. “No take backsies or I really won’t forgive you.”

I laugh softly as my hand finds its way to her head, patting it gently. “No take backsies.”

//

_**JISOO’S POV** _

The streetlights blur in the background as Lisa drives along the highway, eyes focused, lips pursed as she hums along the song playing on the radio. And my heartbeat skips at the memory of the tingling sensation that same pair of lips left on mine just a while ago.

When she kissed me and told me she loves me and said she’s ready to take the leap of faith with me, it felt like the world has fallen apart and fell right back into place all at once. It felt so... _surreal_ because it’s a complete 180 turn from where we were when the day started.

Actually, my brain is still swimming in disbelief.

“Take a picture, it will last longer,” Lisa smirks, sparing me a quick glance. “What are you thinking?”

“Oh.” I blink. “I was just wondering if you bumped your head or something. Or like... do you have a fever?”

“What?” Lisa takes my uninjured hand that swoops to her forehead to check her temperature and intertwines her fingers with mine. “I feel fine, why? Do I look sick?” It’s endearing how her eyebrows dig down in confusion.

“No, dummy,” I giggle softly, drawing circles at the back of her hand. “You look perfectly fine. I’m just... I have one tiny question. And I would like an answer.”

“Oookay?” She drawls warily. “What is it?”

“I mean _not_ that I’m complaining or anything, but I still don’t understand how this happened. You rejected me _twice_ in the past 24 hours.” Lisa winces at that like it physically pains her. I quickly wave off her apology. “No, that’s okay, I just wanna know what changed.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” she muses, relaxing on her seat, and I look at her expectantly. “An old lady gave me a piece of her mind right after you left. She heard us last night and called me a coward. She called me out. Hit me where it hurts, told me what I needed to hear,” she chuckles at the memory probably.

Ah, of course, it’s Mrs. Choi. She knowsbecause she asks about me (for her entertainment, but also because I know she cares. It turns out she really is not that bad.) whenever I come over and help her pack, so I _might_ have told her everything, including my brooding feelings for my roommate.

(And if she heard us last night, I know when Lisa said a ‘piece’, she meant a whole _chunk_. Seriously, that old woman’s mouth has no brake _at all._

But be that as it may, without her help, we wouldn't be here. Maybe, she's a fairy godmother that the gods have sent to lead us to this path or maybe, she's just a bored, old cat lady with nothing else to do better with her time. Either way, I stamp a mental note to invite her to dinner one of these nights as a thank you.)

“I was lost in thought for the rest of the day, staring at your message, not knowing what to say or do, but then you texted me again. And, all I can think of then is how I wanna be with you, not only in that moment but like _always,_ whether you need me or not. I’m your go-to person and I don’t want to share that spot with someone else ever again. And, you know, I wanted to give it a try, at least,” she continues with a dreamy expression, her voice borderline hazy. “Then, you already know what happened next. And now, we’re here.”

_We’re here. Together, in this world and this life._

If parallel worlds do exist, I wonder if the parallel Jisoos have a Lisa in their life too because I can’t even imagine a world without her in it. It’s not even an exaggeration when I say she’s the best person there is. No one else can compare, really. And to be loved by her is already a privilege on its own. And now, it’s _my_ privilege.

I sigh contentedly, head on cloud nine, staring at our hands still interlaced on her lap, basking in the warmth of her palm. “This is really happening, huh. It’s not a dream. I’m not dreaming, right?”

Lisa digs her nails on the back of my hand and I reflexively tug it away, but her strong grip holds it in place and brings it to her lips. “See? Not a dream,” she smiles into my hand, peppering it with feather light smooches.

“That’s not the hand that needs attention, tho,” I quip, amidst my heart doing somersaults in my chest.

“Aw, my love is so needy,” Lisa coos. “Don’t worry, I’ll get into that later.”

My lips crack into a cheesy grin, the kind that feels like my cheeks are about to tear, because Lisa calling me ‘my love’ just sits _so right_ with me. A euphoric and contented sigh flits through my lips as I lean further into my chair, closing my eyes and enjoying the comfortable silence we fell into.

//

A gentle shake on my shoulder stirs me awake. “Jisoo, baby? We’re here.”

I open my eyes, still a little disoriented. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” I have no idea I had fallen asleep, but I guess after the kick of coffee and sugar waned, the fatigue finally caught on.

“No, it’s okay.” Lisa strokes my shoulder softly, then unbuckles my seatbelt for me. “I know you didn’t sleep a blink last night. Nap well?”

“Yeah, thanks,” I smile at her, then look at the time. “Should we go? Is Rosie there already?”

Lisa gingerly takes my hand instead of answering, regarding me with a contemplative eye. “Um, there’s actually something I want to talk about first.”

That clears the remaining fog of sleep in my brain. “What about?” I lift curious eyebrows, angling my body comfortably towards her. She seems hesitant. “C’mon, tell me. I don’t bite.”

“Shut up,” Lisa chuckles, her posture loosens. “It’s just that Mrs. Choi told me you’re moving out?”

It doesn’t get past me when her fingers tighten on my hand as if she’s clamping it there, so I can’t go and my heart swells a bit more somewhere in my chest.

“Oh, did she?” I keep a straight face, cos something tells me the old cat lady ‘forgot’ to tell an important detail. “Yeah, I found a great place.”

“Is that final or...” Lisa clears her throat, shaking her head. “Never mind.” It’s cute how she’s trying to hide how troubled she is by this and failing so miserably. “I just wanted to ask. I know that‘s always been the plan and I guess you want your own space, so—”

“Jesus,” I cut her off, chuckling softly. “Just say you don’t want me to go, Lisa.”

“Well, yeah. I like the thought of coming home to you,” she mumbles, looking like a kicked puppy. “Of course, I don’t want you to go.” Lisa pouts and I‘m glad she brought this up when she isn’t driving because I get to kiss that frown off of her face.

I see her eyes comically widen when I cup her jaws and not-so-gently tug her closer before I close mine, snaring her bottom lip in between my lips. Lisa shakes off the shock surprisingly fast and her hands drift to my hips, kissing me back in that way that makes my whole body tingle. God, the things she can do with her mouth, you have no fucking idea.

She inhales sharply when I bite her bottom lip playfully as I pull back. I giggle. “Sorry, I guess I _do_ bite.”

“Riiight, you don’t look sorry at all.” Lisa rolls her eyes fondly. An amused smile stuck on her face. “Couldn’t keep it in your pants for a minute? We were literally in the middle of a conversation.”

“You _definitely_ weren’t complaining. Stop acting like you didn’t like it,” I singsong.

“I didn’t say I _didn’t_ like it,” she says softly, leaning sideways on her headrest, studying me with unguarded eyes. Her looking at me like I’m the most important person in the world is something I’m more than willing to get used to. “So, does this mean you’re not moving out?”

“Oh, I still am.” The way Lisa’s face falls makes me laugh a little. “Only _if_ you move out too. Did Mrs. Choi deliberately leave out the part where I plan to ask you to move in with me?”

“Oh my god, that _sly_ woman!” Lisa huffs.

“I just haven’t had the chance to broach the subject, y’know, cos I’ve been dealing with some stuff and I don’t know how it’ll affect us so...” I trail off and Lisa nods me to continue. “Okay, so, Mrs. Choi’s grandson is a realtor and he showed me this amazing place. And I can’t afford to buy it on my own, so the only reason why I’m asking you is so we can split, _totally_ _not_ because I want to be with you.”

Lisa shoots me a quick no-bite-glare.

“Kidding, baby,” I chuckle. “It’s okay if you don’t want to, but think about it? We won’t have to pay rent anymore. It’s also close to your work, by the way. It has a bigger kitchen, which I _love._ Walk-in closet.Great neighborhood. Did I say _walk-in closet?_ You’re gonna love—“

“Jisoo, stop selling me the place,” Lisa interjects, amusement flooding her face. “I was already sold when you said you were planning to ask me to move in with you.”

“Yeah?” I ask, surprised. I don’t think she realizes what this means. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, love, I’m in it for the long haul,” Lisa says and suddenly, I feel out of breath. And, the reason isn’t that I was talking animatedly fast a little while ago.

Of course, Lisa knows exactly what it means— buying a place, building a life together. It’s a new beginning if you must call it that. And you might say we’re moving too fast, but I feel like this is a long time coming like _we’re_ the ones catching up. And _none_ of it feels like we’re moving too fast. It feels like how there are night and day; how the planets orbit the sun— normal and right.

I won’t say anything cliché like I won’t change a damn thing, because... well, let’s be honest here, there’s _a lot_ of things I would’ve changed. But, seeing how Lisa’s eyes gleam as if she has found her peace and how her lips curve into a sweet, tooth-rotting smile tells me that we are on the same page and we have the whole future ahead of us.

And, truth be told, that’s all that matters.

_**Fin.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand we've reached the end! :D Tell me what y'all think and leave a kudos if y'all want to. :)


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